How to Increase Self-Esteem

Before we discuss how to build self esteem, we have to know what it is. The research suggests that self-esteem is an important human need. It describes how we value and perceive ourselves and is thought to be made up of how capable we feel and how worthwhile we think we are. So, it’s also about how to increase confidence. This entails feeling that we are sufficiently useful in ways, good at things, and therefore viewed in positive ways by others, and thus, by ourself. This reflection affects whether we can feel good about ourselves, and this is why self-esteem affects every aspect of life, including relationships, career, and mental health. Fortunately for many, self-esteem can fluctuate across life stages, and is not a fixed construct. Read on to learn how important self-esteem is and so you can learn how to raise your self confidence and how to improve self esteem and live a life worth living.

What is Self-Esteem?

So even though we’ve briefly touched on it, let’s answer the question of: What is self esteem? In a deeper way. Self-esteem is your overall sense of personal value and self-worth but it’s more complex than this because there are multiple components of self esteem. For instance, some people think self-confidence and self-esteem are the same things but they aren’t. Self-confidence is the belief in one’s abilities, whilst self-esteem is the belief in one’s worth; like two sides of a valuable coin. We have to have some confidence in ourselves to feel like a worthwhile person and be able to love ourselves. But before we turn to how to increase confidence, let’s understand why some people seem to have what is considered ‘good’ or ‘healthy self-esteem’ while others don’t. Self-esteem starts to develop when we do. Our self-perception is born from the mirror shown to us in our early experiences, upbringing, and relationships. It can be global and therefore generalised across life areas, or it might be domain-specific. For example, we might have low self-esteem because of our appearance.

When we ask what is self esteem, we have to understand that it is not perfection – this does not exist. Healthy self-esteem means accepting yourself, despite imperfections, because we all have these. Whilst low self-esteem involves self-criticism, comparing oneself to others in a negative way, and experiencing self-doubt – high self-esteem is about self-acceptance, resilience, and assertiveness. If you believe that you have low self-esteem then you’re probably wondering about how to build self confidence or esteem, or if it’s even possible. Thankfully, there are ways to build self esteem, this may include self esteem exercises that can boost self esteem or confidence, but these are not deep approaches. This article will go beneath the superficial and help you understand how to truly raise your self confidence and how to improve self esteem.

Why is Self-Esteem Important?

So now you know what is self esteem, let’s understand its importance further. When we consider the components of self esteem, we can see how it influences a lot of things, not least our mental health. Yes, self-esteem has been linked to anxiety, depression, and wellbeing. This is because the way we think of ourselves affects motivation, our relationships, the ability to make decisions, and resilience. Indeed, when we experience healthy self-esteem, we can live more authentically, we allow ourselves to grow in ways, in part by asserting healthier boundaries that are grounded in our need to prioritise ourselves (not in a selfish way). We develop a stronger core self – one that is better able to cope with stress and setbacks. Conversely, low self-esteem can lead to isolation, people-pleasing (meaning we overly prioritise the other), and stagnation because we do not live true to our wants and needs. So if you recognise any of the latter in you, keep reading so you can learn the important ways to build self esteem because it is important – as are you – and maybe today is the day you choose you.

What Are The Components of Self-Esteem?

Your Self-Confidence

We’ve briefly touched on confidence. But why should you know how to increase confidence when you want to boost self esteem? It’s because low confidence can damage self-esteem over time because it makes up part of it. This is because confidence is your ability to trust in your abilities. It is built through experiences, learning, and persistence. So when we consider how to build self confidence, it’s not just self esteem exercises or confidence ones, it’s about having genuine faith in what you can do, in aspects of life that are important to you. So, if for example, you’re passionate about your work, it will be important to build your skills in this area as this can raise both confidence in your abilities, and increase overall self-esteem. We will explore how to raise your self confidence further on.

Your Individuality

From such a young age we are encouraged to be like everyone else, we shouldn’t stand out or we’ll be tapped down for being a ‘rebel’. Some of my clients believe they’re ‘weird’ because this is what their families told them. But, weird just means odd, and odd is just difference, which aren’t bad things at all. Think of it like this: Michael Jackson, Bruce Lee, and Socrates were considered weird in their time and punished for it but this sends the wrong message. Difference should be celebrated, not categorised as weird because of others’ discomfort or envy. So embrace your uniqueness, this is authentically how to increase confidence and how to build self esteem. Stop comparing because this erodes individuality. Accept personal strengths, quirks, and flaws – when you do, you promotes self-respect and inner strength.

Feeling Part of Something

When considering components of self esteem, and the question of what is self esteem exactly, we cannot overlook the importance of our need to belong, versus rejection or isolation – the latter of which can harm self-esteem. Belonging is a fundamental in human psychology because it offers community, friendships, and connections which validate self-worth. So, this is why we can sometimes believe those who might dimmish our light, even though they do this because they want it for themselves. They might call you ‘weird’ or something else unkind, just to make you feel insecure but they’re projecting their own insecurities. What to do, when we humans need to belong? Engage with supportive people instead. This will serve to strengthen your sense of belongingness and boost self esteem through acceptance. This is one of the key ways to build self esteem.

Feeling Confident in Your Capabilities

So it’s important to know how to raise your self confidence so you can address this part of self-esteem. We must have what is known as self-efficacy – our belief in our ability to succeed, this is a key aspect of self-esteem. When we achieve or master things and feel accomplished in ways, we boost our sense of capability. So if you want to know how to build self confidence, it’s about setting achievable goals, rather than setting yourself up to fail – which understandably has the opposite affect. This is why perfectionism and low self-esteem are often linked. Aside from setting reasonable goals, it’s also important to celebrate your successes. This means that you consciously acknowledge your abilities, strengthening this component of self-esteem. More on these below.

How to Improve Self-Esteem?

Be Kind to Yourself

If you want to know how to build self esteem then this one is key. I’ve had many clients recoil and make unnatural horror-film level jerky movements due to the level of cringe they feel at this idea. But think about it, if you’re someone who experiences a critical inner monologue, then kindness is the antidote. Self-compassion softens inner criticism. And it’s funny because when I ask clients how they would treat a loved one in the same scenario they chastise themselves, they recoil in shock – they would never say such things to their loved one! And it’s not like I’m saying that when we’re thinking about how to increase confidence and esteem, we become blind to our mistakes – on no. I’m simply saying we take a kinder approach, we recognise that mistakes happen and that they don’t define our worth. And better yet? We can learn and grow from them if we go from blame to wanting to understand.

Accept, Identify and Challenge Negative Thoughts

You really want to know how to how to raise your self confidence? It’s about growth. Your negative thoughts are likely built on a well-developed way of relating to yourself, one based on your social mirror (as I call it), or perceived failings. Whereas, now it’s about noticing and calling out your negative self-talk patterns. For instance, I once had a client (in her 40s, no less) who called herself “arrogant” and felt guilty just because she decided to have a coffee before she started her chores (her mother was a bit of a task-master). In therapy, I got her to question the evidence she had for her harsh beliefs. When she said it out loud, and thought about the question, she realised the absurdity of her negative self-talk, and how it permeated throughout her life. She was able to replace irrational thoughts with realistic affirmations. So, don’t let negativity fly unchecked, stop it in its tracks, call it out, and reject it to boost self esteem!

Identify The Positive About Yourself

So now you can answer, what is self esteem? So you may realise that one of the main components of self esteem is how we think of ourselves. Those with low self-esteem often focus on what they perceive as negative things about themselves. So naturally, to help you along when you’re trying to understand how to build self esteem – and maybe one of the most important self esteem exercises – is to pay deliberate focus on your strengths and achievements. This flips the script quite literally. At first, you may benefit from keeping a daily or weekly list of positives about yourself and the things you’ve accomplished and feel good about. These don’t have to be massive things, they can be simple, like let’s say you’re struggling to leave the house, going for a 5-minute walk around the block is worth recognising. Over time, this reorientation will rewire your perception of yourself. You will start to think better of yourself and won’t need to write things down.

Surround Yourself With Positive People

Having worked with self-esteem issues and focusing on this ever prevalent human problem, I conceived the term ‘social mirror’ in the context of self-esteem because of how important our social world is to our sense of self. The company you keep affects your self-view so if you want to know how to improve self esteem, one important way is to seek relationships that encourage and respect you – and I mean any relationship, not just romantic. So how to improve self esteem? Limit exposure to toxic or critical people. Why? Because we humans need feedback from the world to tell us about ourselves. As babies, we seek this from our primary caregivers. If mother coos at us, we feel attended to and doted on, and this affects sense of self on a fundamental level. If mother is unavailable, we feel rejected and unseen – again affecting self-view. For, if my own mother cannot hold and love me, I must be unworthy of it, right? Social mirror.

Let Go of Perfectionism

A key thing when we want to learn how to build self confidence or ways to build self esteem is to let go of perfectionism! Why? Because perfectionism is a chronic problem that breeds chronic dissatisfaction. How does this work? It’s because there’s no such thing as ‘perfect’. This is a myth that’s sold to you by your inner ego, the part of you that may have been influenced by people in your life that made you feel you weren’t doing as well as you could be or that you weren’t good in some way. These messages are taken in and mis-filtered to an folder called “I must do better to be better” or “If I don’t do this like this, I’m useless” or something similar in that vein. Then we start to strive for an ideal that is just that, idealistic – but not real! You’re chasing a unicorn and it’s painful because now your feet hurt (your self-esteem). So, embrace “good enough” – something that all the esteemed psycologists talk about, and look for progress over perfection, because your self-worth should not be dependent on flawless outcomes – that’s setting you up to fall.

Remember That Everyone Makes Mistakes

Knowing how to improve self esteem is also knowing this one. Mistakes are part of learning and growth but when we have a strict internal monologue that is harsh and intolerant of mistakes we can feel that we are “useless” or “worthless” as I’ve heard many clients say. But, here’s the thing; mistakes don’t diminish your value, they increase it – but only if you think of them as opportunities for learning. If you can reframe mistakes as stepping stones that help you grow, rather than as failures you won’t have to ask yourself: “What is self esteem?” because you’ll start to feel it as it, too, grows and increases. So, try this: the next time you make a mistake and don’t have the time to reflect, write it down and then park it but plan some time to think about it. Then at that time, ask yourself what went ‘wrong’ and how, and what can you do to minimise the mistake and how will you prevent it in the future. This will give you confidence and help you feel in control.

Improve Your Physical Health

This is a great way how to build self confidence, and physical exercise is, in a way, one of the ‘better’ self esteem exercises. Think about times when you’ve let this aspect of care slide, how have you felt? Probably lethargic, tired, bloated, heavy, and just plain bad about yourself. But, when you’ve taken care, it’s likely that just this has helped your mood and how you feel about yourself, right? This is because our minds, emotional health, and physical health, are all connected. This is why physical wellbeing directly affects mood and self-esteem. So, prioritise sleep, exercise, and nutrition and you will teach yourself that you’re important enough to care for, that you deserve this. In addition, the benefits of enough sleep, physical exercise, and good nutrition will feel good on so many levels, and reinforce the message that you are worth looking after and that it feels good to do it.

Celebrate the Wins

Another great way you can learn how to increase confidence and self-esteem is to acknowledge all achievements, whether they’re big or small. Why is this? Because the negative voice is pretty well honed and probably quite loud. It also stops you from seeing the good you do. So by looking out for the wins, you’ll start to notice that they actually exist. This recognition will fuel motivation and help you to start to believe in yourself more. So make celebration a consistent and deliberate practice. Don’t just dwell on the life events that bother you, think about the ones that might be positive. For example, taking the kind of self-care described above, this is something we can be grateful for. Being able to exercise, eat well, and feel safe are glorious things that many can’t enjoy – celebrate what you do for yourself when you do some of these important things.

Act as if You Feel Confident

When it comes to the art of how to raise your self confidence, you’ve likely heard of the adage; “Fake it till you make it”. This one can build real confidence if applied correctly. What do I mean? Body language and action influence internal states so if you act confident, you can create a feedback loop that reinforces self-esteem. But there’s a caveat. This one should not be applied in isolation, if it is, it will only take you so far and will not help you to learn how to improve self esteem in a deeper, more fundamental way. So, if I ever agree with clients about faking it until they make it, it’s only as a complement to the deeper, more substantial work. This is because, I know that fakery only takes one so far, especially when it comes to how one truly feels about oneself. So, I’m not saying don’t do this, I’m saying, do it, but also do the real work to help you, more on that below…

Talk to a Therapist

Therapy is often misunderstood as a ‘chat’ or just ‘talking to a friend’ but when it goes well, therapy is so much more than this. A therapist, especially one who is psychologically trained, will be able to help you by using the psychological frameworks that guide their work. We have a unique insight into how human beings think and behave and when speaking with you, the one who has unique insight into you and your life, we can work together as a team to understand you better. So how to build self esteem in a more significant way, or learn how to build self confidence in therapy? If ever I worked therapeutically with you, we would attempt to uncover the root causes of your low self-esteem by understanding your relationships and earlier experiences. This would teach us about the fires that shaped your relationship with yourself and together we could question the etchings and reshape that relationship as you rise like a phoenix from the ashes. Essentially, you would learn how to rebuild and strengthen your sense of self-worth.

Summary

So I hope after reading this you have learned the different ways how to build self confidence and how to build self esteem as well as what makes these two aspect distinct, and yet connected. Self-esteem shapes every aspect of your life, from relationships to resilience. It can be nurtured with kindness and compassion, awareness, and practice. It won’t change over night, just as it was wrought and developed over years, it will take some time for you to process and reframe things. But, small, consistent changes can build a lasting foundation of healthy self-esteem. Remember, you are already enough – it’s about you recognising this, but more importantly, believing it.