How to Build Self-Esteem in Children

Self-esteem is the bedrock of emotional health, and this is especially true at the stage of childhood development. This is because self-esteem shapes how children view themselves and interact with their worlds. So how can we foster this important aspect? Self-esteem grows when children experience love, validation, and have opportunities to succeed. So if you’re able to nurture confidence, resilience, and happiness in your child, you will be well on your way to understanding how to build self esteem in a child. You can support this in simple ways – for example; through daily activities like play, praise, and positive routines – all of which can  help you to build self-confidence in a child. So whether your child struggles with shyness or self-doubt, small consistent acts can make a lasting difference. Keep reading if you want to know the ways to help your child build self-esteem, because you will learn the tools that will nurture emotional strength in your child, for lifelong wellbeing.

What Is Self-Esteem in a Child?

People can sometimes confuse self-esteem and confidence so let’s understand the difference. Confidence is something we can have about a specific thing. For example, you can be a confident swimmer but not a confident cook. It is the way you feel about a behaviour or activity and is not as generalised as the phenomenon of self-esteem. So now to that. Self-esteem for a child is much like how it is for adults; it’s about how they perceive their worth and capabilities. It is formed through interactions with parents, teachers, and peers. When children feel capable, accepted, and resilient, they experience what is termed “healthy self-esteem”. Conversely, if they behave in ways that may be considered withdrawn, perfectionistic, or experience a fear of failure – they may have low self-esteem. As a parent, if you can understand what causes low self esteem in a child, you will be able to offer the targeted support your child needs. It is important to understand however, that building self-worth will involve patience, encouragement, and trust. To build self esteem in children, you have to practice what you’re trying to instil, this means prioritising effort and progress, rather than perfection. As parents, you can integrate simple routines to build self confidence in a child – this entails celebrating curiosity, effort, and creativity. Remember that every day is an opportunity to build self-esteem in kids – the key building blocks are built via consistency and the nurturance of emotional safety.

Why Does a Child’s Self-Esteem Matter?

We might assume the answer to this question is obvious, but if it were then why do so many adults recount the experience low self-esteem as children? As a researcher who is very interested in this phenomenon, and a therapist who encounters the problem of low self-esteem in her clients, every single day, I can tell you that self-esteem is not prioritised as much as it needs to be. Indeed, consider how a child’s self-esteem shapes emotional wellbeing, academic success, and social confidence. When we think about this, things start to become clearer about the importance of self-esteem. As a parent, it is crucial to understand that children who feel valued are more resilient and curious. Whereas, low self-esteem increases vulnerability to anxiety or peer pressure and increased low self-esteem. So asking yourself: Why is self esteem important for a child? This becomes the first important step toward helping you to prioritise nurturing the emotional health of your child. Simple activities to increase self esteem in a child are things like praise and problem-solving – these can strengthen belief in self. Yes, when it comes to how to build self confidence and self esteem in a child, it isn’t about honing perfectionism, but about nurturing optimism and self-compassion.

How Does Self-Esteem Develop?

Babies and Self-Esteem

Let’s understand this from where it starts; at the beginning. When a baby’s needs are consistently met, they experience a secure attachment relationship. This sends them a very clear message; they learn “I matter”. Some of the things that will help a baby feel this is good eye contact, touch, and responsiveness – all of these form trust and belonging in the baby. So this highlights that even at this early stage, parents can practice how to build self esteem in a child through attention and affection. Gentle care and playful interactions are natural activities to build self-confidence in a child and their effects should not be underestimated – to some they may seem benign, but to a baby, these simple acts make up a huge part of their world, a world in which they helplessly rely on contact from parents and the quality of this is crucial for their development.

Toddlers and Self-Esteem

When babies grow into toddlers, they begin to develop autonomy, saying “no” and exploring are vital stages of this time. This is when it is important to encourage exploration, independence, and praise effort, rather than the outcome of an action. This means offering a safe space where your toddler can make small mistakes and learn from them, without you reacting negatively, or over-correcting. Yes, if you really want to learn how to build self confidence in a child, it’s about letting them try, fail, learn, grow – whilst cheering effort and progress. Toddlers thrive when they can feel that their opinions and attempts matter. They need to be seen and you are their mirror. So when they have care, encouragement, and support reflected back at them – they are given esteem in themselves. This boost in self-confidence and worth is what will help them grow and how you can truly raise them up, rather than tear them down.

Preschoolers and Self-Esteem

Children need to play and use their imaginations, these aspects of childhood are key for the formation of their identity. So it can help if you give your child tasks that they can complete alone. For instance, drawing, tidying, helping – as ways to build self esteem in a child. When you do this, give them positive feedback, this reinforces the message: “I can do it.” So when it comes to building self confidence in a child, it’s about encouraging and promoting creativity in them, without fear of criticism. If your child pre-empts criticism, they are less likely going to want to try to do things because they do not have the self-belief that they can, and because they want to prevent further criticism which only serves to erode their self confidence and esteem. It’s like the old adage says; “You get out what you put in,” so think about what you put in.

Primary School-Age Children and Self-Esteem

As we all likely know, if we can remember or if you have children, school introduces comparison and social dynamics on an unprecedented scale. So what do you do if you want to build resilience to this reality, in your child? It’s about encouraging effort, rather than perfection (which does not exist). So don’t just focus on their grades as important aspects, also acknowledge kindness, perseverance, and teamwork. And if you notice that your child struggles socially, learn how to build self esteem in kids through emotional support and skill-building. Yes, if you really want to know how to build self esteem and confidence in a child, the focus must be on growth, not competition. Shifting the focus in this way can help your child grow into an adult who does not compare themselves to others and instead focuses on their own pain points. This is an increasingly rare gift.

Ways to Boost Your Child’s Self-Esteem

Provide Unconditional Love and Support

When children are praised only when they’ve achieved some kind of metric, they can internalise a subconscious rule for life: “I must deliver X, Y, and Z to be seen, and loved” – this means their self-worth becomes dependent on external validation. So make sure to let your child know they’re loved regardless of achievements. When you do this, you teach them they are accepted for themselves, and this builds inner security and trust. One of the most important ways to build self esteem and confidence in a child is showing affection through all moods and mistakes, rather than making it feel transactional. So when we speak about the unconditional love of a parent and its importance, we must realise just how vital this kind of love is in the nurturance of your child’s esteem. So, if you want to know how to build self esteem in a child, it begins with unconditional love.

Encourage Independence

It’s important to help your child build resilience and self-trust. Many clients I see in therapy, who struggle with issues relating to self-esteem often do not trust their own judgement and cannot make decisions that they feel confident in, and if they do, they’re always in a state of anxiety and self-doubt, second guessing themselves constantly. It needs to start much earlier; offer your child choices that are suitable to their age, like choosing clothes or snacks. Help them to make decisions confidently so they can feel self-assured. Try simple activities to build self-confidence in a child such as letting them help with chores or plan small goals and then praise their effort and the outcome of their decisions. This means that when they have to make decisions about other things, as they get older, they will feel more sure rather than doubtful about this skill.

Foster a Positive Self-Image

As mentioned, children start to make comparisons between themselves and their peers. They can start to feel they’re not as “pretty” or “thin” or “popular” as other kids they know. This means that they may start to perceive flaws in themselves as a result. It’s therefore important to help them reduce negative comparisons by highlighting their individuality instead. You can do this by focusing on their strengths. Yes, really practising how to build good self esteem in a child means helping them speak kindly to themselves – teaching self-compassion – something many of my adult clients seem to find difficult because they were not taught how to do this. It is such an underrated skill and quality. And, in this day and age, when social media use starts at such a young stage of development, it is even more important to prevent unrealistic self-perception by teaching children to focus on, and build their own strengths.

Teach Problem-Solving Skills

When your child comes to you with a problem or dilemma, it can be so natural to want to solve it for them because you want to help them feel safe and supported, rather than worried. But, this can actually stunt them when it comes to problem-solving. So, it may be better to support them in thinking through solutions, instead of rescuing immediately. When you do this, you help to instil persistence and agency in your child. So if you want to encourages how to build self esteem and confidence in a child, then one surefire way is through overcoming challenges. And as mentioned before, don’t criticise their attempts. Instead, praise creativity and effort over the “right answer,” this will mean they learn that they are safe in trial and error, that this is an important part of understanding and that they do not have to be only “perfect” or “flawed”.

Set Realistic Expectations

So how else might we avoid pushing perfection onto children? It’s about celebrating progress. This means that you facilitate a safe space for your child, one in which they are able to experience room to make mistakes and grow from these. Indeed, if you genuinely want to know how to build self-esteem and confidence in a child, it’s about balancing encouragement with realistic goals. So instead of focusing on where they need to be, or who they need to be like – deficits and comparison – you focus on the process of learning itself, and the rewards that can come from this. Time and again, we see that children’s openness and wonder are shut down when they feel criticised or ‘less than’. If however, we can model openness and the wonder of curiosity and learning, we can give them the kind of space that allows these parts of them to breathe.

Promote Positive Relationships

Relationships, as you may have gathered by this point, are integral to the formation of one’s esteem. This is why it is so important to carefully consider the types of relationships we enter into, and whether they are helpful or hindering to esteem. This is no less true for children. Indeed, many of my clients who talk about historic and present esteem issues often mention the people who impacted it, and still do. So, when it comes to children, it’s important to encourage friendships rooted in respect, empathy, and kindness, ones in which there are aspects of teamwork and sharing. Building self esteem in your child includes helping them navigate relationships confidently and compassionately, including self-compassion. So it’s important to help them understand the value of compassion as strength. This means when they feel mistreated or disrespected, they can learn to prioritise themselves, rather than accept poor treatment.

Model Healthy Self-Esteem

Constructive feedback cannot be overstated. For children, we are the mirrors. It’s therefore important to show them what self-acceptance and positive coping behaviours look like by modelling them. Think about it, if you often self-deprecate or chastise, you’ll be modelling a very different way of self-relating. So, notice how building self-esteem in children begins with adults modelling it authentically – and authenticity is key here. Children have to believe what they see. This way, they can learn to apply it to themselves. So now you understand how children imitate emotional responses , so be your child’s role model for calm, self-respect, acceptance, and resilience. By showing them what these look like instead of showing them self-shaming, self-guilt tripping, or self-doubt, you will instil these ways of being instead. Why? Because you show them not only what is possible, but also, what works – and it will do them wonders.

Provide Constructive Feedback

When you’re trying to help your child learn what progress is, try to focus on their behaviour, not their worth. It’s important that you use encouraging language because this helps motivate your child to improve because it’s rewarding. As a result, it will reinforce their behaviour. So, practise how to build self confidence and self-esteem in a child by recognising the effort they put into things, this will guide their growth. It’s also important, however, to balance praise with gentle redirection – this is because if you become overly praising, you may inadvertently thwart growth. Children need something to strive for so they can learn and grow, praise them when it’s helpful to, but also learn to add to this when there are areas that could be helpful to address. It is a gentle and delicate balance, but if you keep feedback constructive and helpful, it can do wonders for your child.

Celebrate Achievements

As adults, we can sometimes forget to recognise our achievements (especially ones we may consider “small”), so it could be good for you and your child to mark milestones and small victories alike. Why is this? When we recognise our accomplishments, it gives us the sense of accomplishment and this reinforces a sense of pride and capability. One of the most joyful activities to build self-confidence in a child is shared celebration – this can be as simple as baking together, drawing, or talking about the wins. When you connect positive behaviour to effortful work, you add to the overall positive feeling, rather than letting it slip because it has been overlooked. When you take this kind of approach to life tasks and achievements, you will reinforce intrinsic motivation in yourself and in your child. The joint celebration also allows you both to experience confelicity – something too many do not feel often enough.

Stay Connected

Connection with your child is important on so many levels, and not least when it comes to their sense of themselves. This is why it’s important to spend quality one-on-one time with them, this means engaging with them by listening actively. This doesn’t have to be anything out of the ordinary, it can be as simple as creating rituals of connection, things like bedtime chats, or shared hobbies. Emotional connection cannot be understated when it comes to the issue of self-esteem, it strengthens self esteem in children and helps them feel secure. When kids feel seen, they develop confidence naturally, as a result of this. So even if your child may seem to want to do things like play on their device and spend time alone, it’s important that you make sure the connection between you is fed and nurtured. You don’t have to let them lead on this – they need you to.

Finding Help and Support For Your Child

Speaking to Their School

It can be really hard to manage when you feel concerned about your child’s view of themselves and how it impacts on them. It’s important to know that there are resources out there that may be able to help you and your child. Some schools may offer mentoring, counselling, and positive reinforcement programs. You can also discuss your concerns with your child’s teachers and ask then to monitor changes in confidence or social behaviour. Indeed, when it come to the issue of how to build self esteem in a child – collaboration with educators should help you to amplify progress. This will be especially pertinent if your child is suffering at school, whether that be academically or socially. If you’re unable to get the right support there, consider other ways to boost your child’s esteem. This may be starting martial arts training, or some other skill that can boost confidence.

Counselling and Therapy

Another option you may have to source yourself, if it’s not offered at school or is for some reason not suited to your child, is private professional support. This may be especially important and beneficial if your child needs to address underlying anxiety, low mood, or trauma. With children, we therapists use play, cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), or other creative techniques to rebuild confidence. So if you’re aiming to build self-esteem in child, consider therapy for yours because it can provide the tools your child may be missing so they can learn to express their emotions in a way that feels safe for them. When they learn to do this in therapy, it can generalise into their other relationships and means they are less likely to suppress and store their emotions until they are unable to regulate them. Ensure you do your research and find a therapist that will be a good fit for your child and their needs.

Key Takeaways

The importance of a child’s self-esteem should not be underestimated. Self-esteem shapes your child’s emotional health, learning, and relationships. Through small, consistent acts, you can help build lasting confidence in your child. As parents, you can learn how to build self esteem in a child by offering love, independence, and guidance. Some of this is done by incorporating activities that build self-confidence in a child daily, things like praise effort, listening, and modelling positivity. If low self-esteem persists, don’t forget, you can seek school or therapeutic support early on. So if you’re concerned about your child, reach out today and let us help you, help them.