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Romeo and Juliet, Helen and Paris, the list goes on, but I won&#8217;t. These are stories of lovers who might have benefited from a class in &#8220;how to stop obsessively thinking about someone&#8221; but that class was overbooked that semester, so go figure. But in all seriousness, we&#8217;ve probably all been there at some point, and to some degree felt out of control with our feelings about someone, vowing to never let it happen again. Because it only feels good when the other person feels the same&#8230;.often it&#8217;s not quite like that. And if you&#8217;re the one feeling distracted and preoccupied, okay, a bit obsessed, then it can feel disempowering. Why? Because it is. And sometimes it&#8217;s not even a romantic prospect but someone who&#8217;s aggrieved us in some way. So how do you take your power back? As the saying goes, they&#8217;re living in your head and they ain&#8217;t paying rent, so it&#8217;s time to evict them. This article will tell you how to serve that section 21 and learn how to get someone off your mind.

Introduction

So how do you stop thinking about someone? Indeed it&#8217;s a complex issue that requires articles and whole books on it. It also lands many people in therapy. But with some effort it is possible. First, let&#8217;s discuss why it&#8217;s so hard. Attraction is one reason and it&#8217;s not necessarily a bad thing because it&#8217;s quite normal during the early stages of a romantic relationship. It only becomes problematic when it starts to take over. For example, if you&#8217;re phone watching to see if they&#8217;ve read or replied to the message you sent just ten minutes ago or, if you can&#8217;t focus on your work because your mind keeps wandering with thoughts about them (good or bad).
Another reason why it happens relates to attachment. If you notice a tendency to become obsessive with partners, and even friends or co-workers, this might relate to your Internal Working Model (IWM), a concept coined by Attachment theorist John Bowlby. Your IWM is a blueprint that is made from your earliest relationships and which will guide how to behave in relationships.
Sometimes mental health problems like anxiety, low self esteem, loneliness, and obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) can also play a role. Similarly, personality disorders like borderline personality disorder (BPD), dependent personality disorder, obsessive compulsive personality disorder (OCPD), or narcissistic personality disorder can predispose someone to these kinds of interpersonal problems.

Why Is It Hard to Get Someone Off Your Mind

When you&#8217;re thinking about how to get someone off your mind, you&#8217;re probably wondering how long it takes, especially when you and others around you start to worry it&#8217;s been too long. But there&#8217;s no definitive answer to this. It depends on how close you felt to the person, how attached you were and likely still are, and not necessarily how long you knew them. The deeper the connection, the longer it will take but this does not mean you&#8217;ve been sentenced to a passive limbo state. It&#8217;s important to be proactive. Start by asking yourself some questions, for example: how to get someone off my mind, and how to stop obsessive thinking about someone? These are the starting point of your journey. They will carry you to the next step which is learning the how, and next, doing it. The reason this is so important is because the how long question is directly impacted by your thought process. If you&#8217;re thinking about the person, imagining conversations, reliving memories, you&#8217;re still stuck. This extends your sentence. But, if instead, you&#8217;ve realised what is going on, and rather than let yourself indulge in this state, you ask the right questions, you can move to the next stage and lessen the sentence.
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<h3>Soulmate Myth Busted! </h3>
<div style="text-align: center;"><iframe loading="lazy" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/L8eNyeblNCA?rel=0" width="560" height="315" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen">﻿﻿</iframe></div>

How Long Does It Takes to Get Someone Out of Your Head?

<h3>Stop Stalking on Social Media</h3>
This is a very modern problem that can keep you stuck with the ghost of someone. So one tip for how to get someone off your mind is to get them off your screen. As the saying goes: out of sight, out of mind. This may sound like a cliché, but clichés exist for a reason &#8211; there&#8217;s truth and wisdom in them. When clients are anxious or depressed and they watch things on social media or the news that make them feel more anxious or low,  I ask them to reduce this, and usually we notice an improvement. If you virtually stalk the object of your ire or affection, you keep them ever-present in your mind and life, so they ain&#8217;t going nowhere. And maybe that&#8217;s why you do it. But it only harms you, as they get on with life, you watch them getting on&#8230;but you&#8217;re just a speck in their rear-view, so it&#8217;s time to move off. This might mean you come off social media for a time if the urge is too strong. Logging each day you&#8217;ve abstained can also make you feel accomplished and motivate you to continue.
<h3>No-Contact Rule</h3>
This one may seem obvious when considering how to take your mind off someone but it&#8217;s astonishing how many people will break this rule. Even when they&#8217;ve broken it before and returned to someone who&#8217;s bad for them, and rinsed and repeated. So when clients ask me: How can I stop thinking about someone? One thing I will always ask them to do is stop contact. This is difficult but it&#8217;s necessary. Think of it like the addiction it is. Our video about addiction explains how we can become addicted to almost anything. Addiction is a chemical and emotional issue and when you get that contact, you feel relieved, safe, and eased to some extent. You also get that hit of dopamine and maybe some oxytocin, the &#8216;love hormone&#8217; as a side. Stop contact and stop feeding your bad habit and over time the withdrawal lessens.
<h3>Get Rid Of Nostalgic Items</h3>
If you want to know how to stop thinking about someone, decline nostalgia. Nostalgia is like an emotional memory that makes us feel warm and wistful. But when you&#8217;re wondering about how to stop fantasising about someone, it&#8217;s important to get rid of any keepsakes, this might even be messages you&#8217;ve exchanged, and while you&#8217;re at it, get rid of those rose-tinted lenses too. If this one feels too difficult, put all the cards, soft toys, and other gifts in a bag and give them to someone to store. Maybe down the line when you&#8217;ve mastered how to take your mind off someone (i.e., the person of interest), you can go through the bag and (responsibly) conduct a therapeutic burning ceremony, or sell or give away any items you deem of monetary value, and recycle the cards. I remember seeing a copy of Final Fantasy XIII in Computer Exchange with the message &#8220;To the best girlfriend ever&#8221; scrawled on the front&#8230;it&#8217;s good to see that said girlfriend decided to make her fantasies final by exchanging the game and maybe one day, a new beau too.
<h3>Stop Trying To Figure Out What’s Going On Inside Their Mind</h3>
Something that is a fruitless task and can feel like a torturous one when you&#8217;re wondering how to get someone off your mind, is when you spend your precious time trying to get in theirs! People can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, and even months and years trying to make sense of the situation by trying to get inside the head of the other person. But all you&#8217;re doing is keeping that person present in your present. That person has likely moved on, and probably thinks of you rarely, if at all, but you&#8217;re not able to let go and are still trying to figure them out so you can understand what happened and why. Therapy might help you here and it&#8217;s understandable, but if you want to learn how to take your mind off someone, you have to realise you can never know another&#8217;s mind, and anything you conclude is your conclusion alone.
<h3>Stop Living In False Hope</h3>
There&#8217;s always a part of us that wants to keep the possibility of reconciliation alive. So when you&#8217;re thinking about ways how to get someone off your mind, there will be a part of you that might resist and fight. This is the internal battle that rages. You want to move on because your rational brain knows the truth &#8211; that it&#8217;s over. But your emotional, relational, attached brain will not so easily want to give up hope, even when you know on some core level, it&#8217;s false. But the falsehood of this wish is like the Siren&#8217;s call, it lulls you as the trap closes in. You aren&#8217;t able to truly let go and move on while you&#8217;re hanging on to this idea. You have one foot in, and the other barely out. You have to walk through the door and close it. Because when one door closes&#8230;
<h3>Respect Yourself</h3>
When clients ask me How to get someone off my mind? One thing that I try to emphasise is the idea of respecting themselves. This is one of those things that is so obvious its obviousness is taken for granted and becomes missed. Family and friends might try to hint at this when they say things like &#8220;you were too good for them&#8221; or &#8220;you deserved better&#8221; but it&#8217;s more than that. It&#8217;s about recounting all the times when you were disrespected, and realising how you allowed that to happen because you weren&#8217;t respecting yourself. Or maybe the person did nothing wrong, maybe you caused the end. If this is true, you have to respect yourself now. You have to bow out with dignity and grace and give them, and yourself space and time to learn, heal, and move forward.
<h3>Learn To Redirect Thoughts </h3>
But what if like Kylie, &#8220;I just can&#8217;t get you out of my head&#8221; is your daily mantra? Well, thoughts are not so easy to control and we can&#8217;t just tell ourselves to stop. So one way you can learn how to stop obsessive thinking about someone is to redirect your thoughts. This can be done in different ways. One way how to stop thinking about someone is with formal mindfulness practice. This means finding a quiet place where you can sit comfortably and focus your mind toward your breath, slowing it down, whilst focusing on different sensations, like the taste in your mouth, the feeling of the chair or ground under you, the sounds you hear, etc. Pick one sense to focus on in turn and spend some time with it as you slow your breath. If you cannot practice formally, you can try informal practice. This is simply noticing the thoughts and consciously moving away from them by first accepting them without judgment and then choosing to let them go.
<h3>Allow Yourself To Feel The Pain</h3>
This one might seem strange because as Freud said, most of us seek pleasure and try to avoid pain. But this isn&#8217;t seeking out pain. This is processing the pain that already exists. A reason why you struggle with how to get someone off your mind is because it&#8217;s painful to lose them. So not thinking about them means you lose them yet again, but by thinking about them, you can hold on &#8211; it&#8217;s a strange logic but logic nonetheless. And in some strange way this appears to minimise the hurt. Why is this? Because you&#8217;re also processing what happened, which helps. Even though some of the other suggestions in this article would seem to contradict this one, they work together. That is, you must give yourself some time to feel the pain&#8230;.this is grief. But grief can become complicated and this is detrimental. Feel, process, but accept and heal.
<h3>Stay Active</h3>
One of the things I emphasise is the mind-body connection. Staying active is important because it helps us release important mood-regulating hormones like endorphins. These offer a natural chemical high and can promote our healing process. Staying active also means the focus is on the body, allowing us to come out of the mind and we can also incorporate mindfulness, especially if running in the outdoors (recommended, on grass not concrete!). Plus, you&#8217;ll feel accomplished because you&#8217;re taking care of your body as well as your mind. Staying active can also help us to feel strong, as we physically get there, we emotionally do as well. So don&#8217;t rule this one out so easily. As with any of the tips, I would also recommend you give each several attempts, because you might not feel the benefits, or motivation, right away.
<h3>Practice Mindfulness</h3>
Mindfulness has already been touched on but it should be emphasised when we&#8217;re asking how do you get someone off your mind. Why? Because the ancient Buddhist teachings of mindfulness teach us to be present. Buddhists use mindfulness meditation to do three important things: to know one&#8217;s mind, to train it, and to free it. When we are worrying about how to stop obsessive thinking about someone, our mind is like a yapping dog in a cage. We have to throw it a bone here and there so it can relax. Eventually, the yapping becomes quieter and less frequent, until we are free of the stress. It&#8217;s no surprise then, that studies report mindfulness helps manage stress, cope with illness, and improve mood and self-esteem. Many also found it increased the ability to relax, and offered a newfound enthusiasm for life. All great when on the road toward how to stop thinking about a person.
<h3>Express Yourself</h3>
This one might seem counter-intuitive when you want to learn how to get someone off your mind but it&#8217;s an important one. Just as it&#8217;s important to feel the pain you may be carrying about the person you want to evict from your mind, it&#8217;s also important to express how you feel, what you think about them, and what&#8217;s happened. But again, with a caveat; this part of the process should be limited to a degree. Indeed, you know what it&#8217;s like when someone you know fixates on, and talks incessantly about someone. At first, this is okay because you understand they need to do this. But, as time went on, so did they, on, and on, and on. It&#8217;s important to be compassionate toward yourself and others when this happens but also focus on moving through the stages of the process, so that the person on your mind, isn&#8217;t squatting there forever.
<h3>Enjoy Life </h3>
So how can enjoying life help you learn how to stop fantasising about someone? Because you live in your lifeworld, rather than in your mind. This means starting to do things you once enjoyed but perhaps let slip away. This might need to be forced at first but I assure you, when taken in tandem with some of the others on this list, you&#8217;ll fake it until you make it so at some point it won&#8217;t feel forced. Something I have seen many clients do is dwell on and indulge their sadness because in a strange way, they take comfort in it, it understands. But this is not the answer, it&#8217;s Stockholm Syndrome, you&#8217;ve become attached to your captor, who is actually you. Instead do something you&#8217;ve always wanted to do. Indeed, when we try or learn something new, we gain a multitude of benefits: we create new experiences and opportunities, pick up new skills, socialise, and facilitate mood-regulating rather than stress hormones.
<h3>Keep A Journal </h3>
This one might not be for everyone but many clients report the benefit of keeping a journal even if it&#8217;s not about how to stop thinking about someone all the time. But when the goal is how to get someone off your mind, there are benefits too. When you write in a journal, you can focus on yourself, and reflect on your experience. This ties in with the idea of feeling your emotions and expressing yourself. It offers you a personal place where you can put pen to paper and offload what you carry, process it a bit, and without judgment. You might even learn things about yourself and you can use journaling to log what you&#8217;ve tried to help yourself when it comes to how to stop constantly thinking about someone, and notice what seems to be working, and what you&#8217;re finding less helpful.
<h3>Imagine A Bright Future</h3>
When it comes to how to stop thinking about someone, imagining a bright future is crucial. I&#8217;m in the business of helping people to be rational and realistic, not fantasists so this is not about fantasy or falsehood, or lying to yourself. There&#8217;s something called a &#8216;self-fulfilling prophecy&#8217;. Pessimistic people view situations through a negative lens and make bad things happen &#8211; how do they do this? Well, if I don&#8217;t believe things will improve, I will likely behave in ways that make it true. For example, I will avoid socialising, I might take to substances for relief, and I&#8217;ll sink deeper. But if I believe things will get better, I will act in ways to make it true. I will do the kinds of things recommended here so I can help myself, and create a positive self-fulfilling prophecy, and a brighter future.
<h3>Avoid Substances </h3>
So if, for example, you want to learn how to stop thinking about someone you can&#8217;t have, what do you think drugs, like alcohol, will do?
A: Help you stop thinking about them and lead a productive and successful life, or 
B:  Cause you to ruminate and become more vulnerable to mood and anxiety problems due to the hormone depletion caused by some substances?
Another thing that substances do is keep people stuck, and withdrawn, and eventually affect functioning in the day-to-day, such that getting out of bed and doing one&#8217;s work might seem really hard to do. They pose a risk to life as well. This is because drugs affect us physically and can lead to numerous health problems, but the mental toll could lead to suicidal ideation as one&#8217;s world becomes darker and smaller due to an inability to function and heal. So, when we&#8217;re especially vulnerable, it&#8217;s important to avoid substances that might appear to feel better in the shorter term, but actually lead to a world of pain in the longer term.
<h3>Try To Forgive </h3>
If the reason you struggle with how to not think about someone relates to being wronged by them in some way, it&#8217;s important to come to forgiveness. Many people will stubbornly react to this suggestion with a &#8220;no, never&#8221; but that&#8217;s because they think they&#8217;re doing it for the other person or because they think it means they accept the transgression. It means neither of these. When I recommend forgiveness it&#8217;s first and foremost for the benefit of the wronged person. Nelson Mandela said something like: &#8220;Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die&#8221;. When we hold onto grievances, we chip away at our own ability to be happy. So forgive and put the poison down. This does not mean you&#8217;ve accepted the wrongdoing. It means you&#8217;ve accepted the reality that it happened and chosen not to burden yourself any longer because they don&#8217;t deserve more than they&#8217;ve taken.
<h3>Talk To Friends and Family </h3>
This one may also seem to contradict the intention of how to stop thinking about a person but it&#8217;s not strictly the case. Often just talking to someone about how we feel in situations that trouble us can feel like a weight off. It comes back to the idea of expressing oneself, and feeling and processing. But it&#8217;s important here to not simply use others as a soundboard for indulging in someone you want to learn to let go of. This means the focus might be better placed if it&#8217;s on your feelings about the situation, rather than on the situation itself. Or you might talk about other things to help you come out of your head. This one is important because it keeps you connected to your social network, and socialising is important when you want to practice how to stop thinking about someone all the time.
<h3>Talk To A Therapist </h3>
So sometimes I&#8217;m working with someone in therapy on one particular problem, and their relationship abruptly ends, or they suffer a bereavement. This becomes the focus of the work and they have that space to validate and process their pain, anger, whatever it is. They express themselves. They learn ways to redirect their thoughts and make sense of the loss. They might learn some mindfulness techniques to ease anxiety and panic. And at some point, they might ask: How do you stop thinking about someone? Depending on the reasons for the loss, the answer can vary. Talking to an impartial, skilled, and empathic therapist who can provide a facilitative space to process and heal can help you learn how to live for you and those who are around.

Tips on How to Get Someone Off Your Mind

When you are battling <span data-sheets-value="{&quot;1&quot;:2,&quot;2&quot;:&quot;how to get someone off your mind&quot;}" data-sheets-userformat="{&quot;2&quot;:4291,&quot;3&quot;:{&quot;1&quot;:0},&quot;4&quot;:{&quot;1&quot;:2,&quot;2&quot;:65280},&quot;9&quot;:1,&quot;10&quot;:2,&quot;15&quot;:&quot;Arial&quot;}">how to get someone off your mind, there is no one size fits all solution and as you probably know, it cannot be switched off. But we can help ourselves along the way, and these tips may help you. It is a process but it doesn&#8217;t have to be a long and winding path, it can be made smoother and straighter, so you can get to your destination faster, with fewer challenges, until you&#8217;ve mastered it<span data-sheets-value="{&quot;1&quot;:2,&quot;2&quot;:&quot;how to get someone off your mind&quot;}" data-sheets-userformat="{&quot;2&quot;:4291,&quot;3&quot;:{&quot;1&quot;:0},&quot;4&quot;:{&quot;1&quot;:2,&quot;2&quot;:65280},&quot;9&quot;:1,&quot;10&quot;:2,&quot;15&quot;:&quot;Arial&quot;}"> so you take your power back, evict the unwanted tenant, and live more fully and freely.

Conclusion

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books.

Insight Meditation Center. (n.d.). Mindfulness Meditation as a Buddhist Practice.

National Institutes of Health (NIH) - News in Health. (2012, January). Mindfulness Matters. 

How to Get Someone Off Your Mind

Imagine you&#8217;re sitting across from your partner at the breakfast table and asking yourself: &#8220;Is it normal to have doubts in a <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://youtu.be/f8Ry2o1cx3c?si=T7GItt65GZn2Ne5G">relationship</a>?&#8221; Well, this might be more of a reality rather than an imagining because it is normal to have uncertainties and fears in life, so why should it be any different in relationships? If you haven&#8217;t already experienced doubts about relationships then you likely will. Or you could be having doubts about your relationship right now. This article will explore why it is normal to have doubts in <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/blog/understand-how-to-communicate-in-relationships/">relationship</a>, as well as how these can doom a relationship. It will also offer a useful distinction between healthy doubts and actual red flags. We will also review the signs that indicate doubts and the most common ones, but also the reasons. The article ends with some useful ways to reduce relationship doubts. So if you want to know what to do before ending a relationship because of doubts, read on.

Alongside the question of: &#8220;Why am I having doubts about my relationship?&#8221;, you will likely have asked: &#8220;Is it normal to have doubts in a <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/blog/an-introduction-to-couples-therapy-part-iii-how-couples-therapy-can-help/">relationship</a>?&#8221; The answer is a resounding YES! Sometimes we partake in magical thinking, believing that if we&#8217;re having doubts, there must be something wrong and we should trust our instincts. Now, this is not necessarily untrue, sometimes doubt in situations is due to intuition or instinct which are there for a reason. But, there are times when we mistake doubts as signs, when in fact, we&#8217;re reacting emotionally rather than rationally. This is normal too, we&#8217;re emotional beings, all of us. But, we shouldn&#8217;t always act on our emotions. We should explore and understand them so we can learn what they&#8217;re trying to tell us. For example, doubts in a long-term relationship are quite normal. This does not mean one should be emotionally reactive and end the relationship. It would be more helpful to try to make sense of the doubt because otherwise there&#8217;s the risk of losing a perfectly good partner and <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/birmingham/divorce-or-uncoupling-therapy/">relationship</a>&#8230;

Is It Normal To Have Doubts In Relationships?

Which brings me to the next part. You might ask: &#8220;Is it okay to have doubts in a relationship?&#8221; It is. But when we act on doubts about <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/blog/an-introduction-to-couples-therapy-part-ii-doubts-about-couples-therapy/">relationships</a> rather than think things through, we end up cutting off our proverbial nose to spite our proverbial face. I had a client who during her <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/midlife-crisis/">midlife crisis</a> (which she was unaware of at the time) thought her husband repulsive. It&#8217;s safe to say she was no longer attracted to him and having doubts about relationship. What did she do? She reacted &#8211; prematurely. She ended the long and supportive marriage to live her best life and guess what her husband did? After picking himself up and dusting himself off, he did the same and found happiness with someone new. My client ended up in therapy because after she moved through the <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/major-life-transitions/">crisis</a> of her midlife, she realised she loved her ex-husband and desperately wanted him back &#8211; but he&#8217;d moved on. He was all loved up. So the all-important question of: &#8220;Why am I doubting my relationship?&#8221; should be asked and thoroughly explored, as otherwise, you could suffer a similarly regretful fate.

When Relationship Doubts Become Relationship Doomed

So as you can imagine, it&#8217;s very important to understand the differences between healthy doubts and actual red flags when doubts about relationships crop up because the consequences can be dire if uncertainty in relationships creates &#8216;dealbreakers&#8217;. We should try to understand the warning signs of misread red flags so we don&#8217;t let doubts about relationships turn into relationship suicide. But it&#8217;s not always easy to understand the difference between healthy doubts and red flags. For instance, if we take my client as an example, she viewed her sudden lack of physical interest in her partner as a red flag. This created deep feelings of uncertainty which she wrestled with, primarily alone. She wishes that she&#8217;d consulted with a <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/therapists/rehanna/">relationship therapist</a> so that she could have understood how the midlife crisis affected her. She would have realised that her internal conflict and questions of: &#8220;Why am I doubting my relationship?&#8221; is a common experience for many who experience the crisis, and therefore a healthy doubt when taken in context. This would have enabled self-understanding, tolerance, and patience. She could have learned that her doubts were normal, and she&#8217;d still be happily married now.

Difference Between Healthy Doubts And Red Flags

Most Common Relationship Doubts

There are many things to notice that might indicate when one is experiencing doubt in relationships, these include. 
<ul>
<li>Relationship sabotage: This is when people do things that will harm the relationship. They may do this knowingly (for example, cheat because they know they won&#8217;t be forgiven), or unknowingly (by re-enacting a self-sabotaging unconscious pattern).</li>
<li>Overcompensating: Some people will try to make their relationship appear perfect to everyone, and in the process, they lie to themselves. This might be their way of hiding the unwelcome truth, that there is something wrong.</li>
<li>Causing arguments/conflict: D<span data-sheets-root="1" data-sheets-value="{&quot;1&quot;:2,&quot;2&quot;:&quot;doubts about relationships&quot;}" data-sheets-userformat="{&quot;2&quot;:4348,&quot;5&quot;:{&quot;1&quot;:[{&quot;1&quot;:2,&quot;2&quot;:0,&quot;5&quot;:{&quot;1&quot;:2,&quot;2&quot;:0}},{&quot;1&quot;:0,&quot;2&quot;:0,&quot;3&quot;:3},{&quot;1&quot;:1,&quot;2&quot;:0,&quot;4&quot;:1}]},&quot;6&quot;:{&quot;1&quot;:[{&quot;1&quot;:2,&quot;2&quot;:0,&quot;5&quot;:{&quot;1&quot;:2,&quot;2&quot;:0}},{&quot;1&quot;:0,&quot;2&quot;:0,&quot;3&quot;:3},{&quot;1&quot;:1,&quot;2&quot;:0,&quot;4&quot;:1}]},&quot;7&quot;:{&quot;1&quot;:[{&quot;1&quot;:2,&quot;2&quot;:0,&quot;5&quot;:{&quot;1&quot;:2,&quot;2&quot;:0}},{&quot;1&quot;:0,&quot;2&quot;:0,&quot;3&quot;:3},{&quot;1&quot;:1,&quot;2&quot;:0,&quot;4&quot;:1}]},&quot;8&quot;:{&quot;1&quot;:[{&quot;1&quot;:2,&quot;2&quot;:0,&quot;5&quot;:{&quot;1&quot;:2,&quot;2&quot;:0}},{&quot;1&quot;:0,&quot;2&quot;:0,&quot;3&quot;:3},{&quot;1&quot;:1,&quot;2&quot;:0,&quot;4&quot;:1}]},&quot;9&quot;:1,&quot;10&quot;:2,&quot;15&quot;:&quot;Arial&quot;}">oubts about relationships can be seen in those who will seemingly create discord where there need be none. They try to provoke a reaction and escalate issues because they&#8217;re trying to steer the relationship toward ruin.</li>
<li>Badmouthing your partner: If you&#8217;re frequently telling anyone who&#8217;ll listen about your partner and their issues, or your dissatisfaction in the relationship, you&#8217;re in a mire of doubt.</li>
<li>Distancing yourself: Some people will stay in a relationship they have doubts about but behave in ways that show their disconnect with their partner and relationship.</li>
<li>Low mood or anxiety: Some people will start to feel one or both of these because of their <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/depression/">sadness</a> and fears about the relationship and life. If you notice this in yourself or someone else, it may be about relationship doubts.</li>
<li>Destructive behaviour: This may include vices like <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/videos/types-of-addiction/">alcohol or other drugs</a>, a behavioural addiction like shopping, or anything that shows a need for escape from an unhappy relationship and therefore, life.</li>
<li>Avoidance/withdrawal: You may avoid people who notice your doubts about your relationship because they remind you of them when all you want to do is avoid them.</li>
<li>Lying to yourself/others: This links to the previous one. Some people convince themselves and others, that they&#8217;re happy when they&#8217;re not. This allows them to avoid confronting their doubts by avoiding their truth.</li>
</ul>

Signs Of Doubts In A Relationship

<h3>Keep Journaling</h3>
Journalling is a very helpful way to help us introspect and reflect on our thoughts and feelings. When I recommend it to clients I ask them not to simply write their thoughts and feelings in an automated, check-list, going-through-the-motions kind of way, but to write them in a present way and interrogate them as well. This means for example, not simply writing: &#8220;I have doubts about my relationship&#8221; but also asking: &#8220;Why am I doubting my relationship?&#8221; and then exploring the reasons, all on paper, in a thoughtful deliberate, purposeful way. This is also a great way to help one rationalise and come out of emotional states that may feel overwhelming at first.
<h3>Don’t Talk About Your Doubts To The Wrong People</h3>
So if you have friends or family who have a bias against your partner or are jealous, or in some cases do not have your best interests at heart, then telling them: &#8220;I have doubts about my relationship&#8221; is like adding a massive side of mega-doubts to your initial doubts. Then there are those friends who may have good intentions toward us, but perhaps don&#8217;t have the best judgment, or they just agree with whatever we say &#8211; all unhelpful. Too often we talk to our close others about all sorts of things, when some of our friends are better with some things than they are with others &#8211; so it might be worth considering who we think will be of help with the specific issue.
<h3>Focus On What’s Good In A Relationship</h3>
It&#8217;s so easy to focus on the negatives and even create some while we&#8217;re at it. When we do this we can lose sight of the good, and this further enhances the perceived bad. In <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/videos/understanding-cognitive-behavioral-therapy-cbt/">cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT)</a> this is known as minimising and maximising, a thinking style that entails disregarding the positive or what contradicts one&#8217;s negative bias or narrative and honing in on the things we don&#8217;t like. For example, you may form the narrative that your partner is selfish because they took you to a restaurant that wasn&#8217;t your first choice. You do this because you maximise that it wasn&#8217;t your choice, but lose sight of their kind intention to take you out for a meal.

Ways To Deal With Doubts In A Relationship

So if you&#8217;re experiencing doubts about relationships it&#8217;s clear that you should take some time before making a decision that may be regretted later. It&#8217;s important to interrogate your doubts. By doing this you can understand them better and also learn if they are founded or not. And, even if they&#8217;re warranted, you can ask yourself if they can be resolved without it meaning the relationship has to end. This is assuming you want to make a decision rationally, rather than reactively. At least this way, you will be less likely to regret your decision, because you know it will have been thought through. So you can journal, talk to the right people, <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/birmingham/couples-counselling/">a therapist</a>, but don&#8217;t forget, maybe your partner too!

Ending A Relationship Because Of Doubts

So having doubts about relationship is normal, and can happen for all kinds of reasons, making it common as well. But it doesn&#8217;t have to mean the end of your relationship. It might instead mean that you have some things to think about. It&#8217;s helpful to think this through rather than avoid your concerns as this only makes them grow. It may seem like a daunting task to talk to your partner about your doubts but it&#8217;s very important to do this sooner rather than later. This can avoid a lot of hurt in the long run, especially if you&#8217;re having serious doubts. It may also mean that you start something like <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/birmingham/couples-counselling/">couples counselling</a> before the doubts move into more dangerous territory. Remember, doubts are normal and there are all kinds of reasons for doubts, sometimes to do with them, and sometimes you. So if doubts endure, talk about them so you can understand why.

Doubts In Relationship: Dealing With Uncertainties In Love

One of the issues that comes up a lot in <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/videos/demystifying-applied-behavior-analysis-aba-how-it-works/">therapy</a> is when a client tells me they have no motivation to do anything. Sometimes this can be a symptom of a condition, for example, <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/blog/5-lies-your-mind-tells-you-when-youre-depressed/">depression</a>. But sometimes it can actually be the cause of depression. People will find they do not have a purpose to strive for, or even if they have something others could only dream of, for example, a flourishing career, they just cannot access that &#8216;pep&#8217;, that feeling we all need to want to do something and take enjoyment from it. They feel no motivation and this can cause feelings of despondency, <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/apathy-anhedonia/">apathy</a>, low mood, and depression. Life just doesn&#8217;t seem to have any meaning for them. They wonder to themselves and ask me: &#8220;Why am I struggling with motivation?&#8221;. They may even feel like there&#8217;s something very wrong with them, especially if they know they have things that others might be excited about. Some of my clients can actually be quite worried about this because they feel bored with life and even though they don&#8217;t want to die, they also don&#8217;t feel engaged with their lives. It&#8217;s a serious issue that can have a serious impact on mental health. This article will discuss what to do when you have no motivation.

<h3>Avoidance Of Discomfort</h3>
So one reason why you might not be motivated to do anything is because of a fear of discomfort. According to Freud, people will do all kinds of things to experience pleasure and avoid pain. So when you have no will to do anything, it might actually be underpinned by a deeper need to avoid discomfort. For example, it often requires hard work, energy, resources, and time to do a good job and this might cause discomfort if one prefers an easier life. Discomfort might also be related to an aversion to the risk of failing, causing one to do nothing instead. So avoidance of discomfort might even be about suppressing your own self-doubt.
<h3>Doubting Yourself</h3>
So let&#8217;s talk about how <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/limiting-beilefs/">self-doubt</a> creates a loss of motivation. It&#8217;s essentially a self-fulfilling prophecy. What we think and feel affects how we behave. So if I believed that I was incapable of passing my driving test, I would find it very difficult to book my test. I&#8217;d probably procrastinate and make excuses whenever the topic was raised. Even IF I managed to book my test, I might miss it, or because of my self-doubt I might expect to fail, this of course is my prediction and it will affect my anxiety levels. Because I&#8217;m nervous and <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/videos/calm-the-chaos-manage-your-anxiety-response-and-take-control/">anxious</a> about failing, I cannot concentrate and I end up failing &#8211; self-fulfilling prophecy &#8211; I made my prediction come true and this reinforces my self-doubt but I didn&#8217;t fail because I&#8217;m incapable, I failed because I expected to and made it happen.
<h3>Being Overwhelmed</h3>
A lack of motivation and energy can also occur because one is feeling overwhelmed. This can happen when we try to do too much or take on something that makes us feel we aren&#8217;t capable. This can impact self-confidence, and over time, our <a style="color: #0033cc;" href="https://admin.phinitytherapy.com/issues/self-esteem/">self-esteem</a>. It makes us feel out of our depth. Remember what I said about avoiding pain? Well, this is why one might feel demotivated when something feels too much, or too difficult. For example, if your <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/workplace-stress/">job is overwhelming</a> you, you might experience no desire to work anymore. This feeling only heightens when mood is impacted.
<h3>Mental Health Issues</h3>
Indeed, feelings of low-confidence, low <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/blog/are-your-relationships-building-or-taking-your-self-esteem/">self-esteem</a>, stress and overwhelm can all contribute to other mental health problems like depression and <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/videos/learn-about-your-anxiety/">anxiety</a>. But, as mentioned, a lack of motivation itself, can cause depression or be caused by it. When we&#8217;re feeling down, our usual day-to-day obligations can feel effortful and even overwhelming. People often want to seek comfort instead, and this is usually in the form of withdrawal and inactivity. But these behaviours keep people stuck in depression because there is a strange kind of comfort in depression and withdrawal, that combined with no drive is a vicious cycle that makes it feel as if you can&#8217;t do anything.
<h3>Lack of Commitment</h3>
Some people will start tasks and rather than see one through to completion, whatever that might look like, they will leave it unfinished and move on to something else. Some &#8216;disorders&#8217;, like <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/videos/exploring-adhd-in-women-symptoms-and-treatment/">ADHD</a> feature this tendency, but it is something that can be a part of one&#8217;s personality. When one loses motivation toward things in this routine way, it demonstrates a lack of commitment to any given endeavour. Sometimes it&#8217;s easier to start things than it is to see them through. So if you notice yourself lacking motivation toward something you&#8217;ve started, and are thinking about starting something new &#8211; call it out &#8211; you may be using the new thing to distract yourself from your lack of commitment.
<h3>Bad Attitude</h3>
If for example, you have no desire to work anymore, this might be to do with emotional issues. But sometimes it might be something else entirely. Some people experience what&#8217;s known as a poor work ethic. They do not hold themselves accountable to their responsibilities and they may even blame their employer for their problems, or resent them for being more successful. Who hasn&#8217;t heard of the person who does nothing but complain about their employer and when you suggest they look for a new job, they dismiss it. This is someone who is not taking ownership for themselves and their life, and simply wants to blame everyone else, when in fact it is this bad attitude that is their downfall.
<h3>Not Specific Enough About Goals</h3>
You might have some ideas about things you want to achieve and still experience a sense of no motivation and not even understand why. This might be because you haven&#8217;t clearly defined your goals in a clear and structured way. When we make our goals SMART, that is., Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Time-bound, we create clarity and accountability. We can have a time-frame for every small part of the plan, and troubleshoot when things aren&#8217;t working to schedule. So, take heart, your lack of motivation toward that goal you&#8217;ve had for ages might not be impossible. Instead of looking at the misty tip of the mountain and feeling dejected, you can look ahead at the first check post you see in the near distance.
<h3>Being Burnt Out</h3>
If you&#8217;ve experienced no motivation or energy to do anything and even had the thought that &#8220;All I want to do is sleep&#8221;, then you might be burning out. Burnout is exactly that; a state of complete exhaustion, physical, mental, and emotional. It&#8217;s no wonder then that, when this happens, we cannot muster the energy or drive to engage in life in the usual way. Put simply; you&#8217;re in need of rest so you can recover. Trying to find a sense of purpose, or meaning when experiencing this level of exhaustion is just going to add to your exhaustion and make you feel hopeless and even more demotivated .
<h3>Experiencing Toxic Stress</h3>
<a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/">Stress</a> is a normal part of life and we should not think we can avoid stress all of the time. In fact, some people find a small amount of stress motivating. These are the people who like to leave essays or work commitments to the last minute and can do well because the <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/academic-stress/">stress</a> of the approaching deadline motivates them to do better. This is healthy stress. Then there&#8217;s toxic stress. Called so because it&#8217;s harmful rather than helpful. Stress might become <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/blog/how-toxic-masculinity-harms-everyone-inc-men/">toxic</a> when it relates to an acute issue that is particularly impactful and pressure-ful, or when we experience lots of stressors or a build-up. Think of stress as an elastic band, over time, it gets tighter, and then some relief is had which offers some slack. But when there&#8217;s no slack, it just gets tighter and tighter, until it snaps &#8211; likely burnout. When this happens we might feel we can&#8217;t do anything.
<h3>You May Not Have a Lot of Activities That Interest You</h3>
Some people might wonder why they&#8217;re not motivated to do anything without realising that it&#8217;s not a general lack of motivation that they&#8217;re experiencing. They are simply finding it hard to engage with whatever they have going on in their life at that time. For example, when people become <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/post-natal-depression-pnd/">depressed</a>, they stop doing what they once enjoyed. This makes them think they have no will to do anything, but if they restarted some of the things they once enjoyed, or something new, they might find they feel good and accomplished. This often reinforces the action and provides more motivation.

What Causes Lack Of Motivation?

So you may have noticed this apparent overlap between a lack of motivation, and depression and this is because they are very much connected. Our <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/brain/">brains</a> and bodies., that is., our physical, mental, and emotional health are intricately connected. When we are well, we experience the production and release of mood-regulating, or &#8216;feel good&#8217; hormones. These are chemicals that affect the way our bodies work and how we feel. We might become depressed due to a deficiency in some of these <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://www.bacp.co.uk/news/news-from-bacp/blogs/2022/9-may-evaluating-life-for-loneliness/">hormones</a> (what doctors call a &#8216;chemical imbalance&#8217;). Alternatively, there could be another reason for our depression but even so, the depression and its symptoms prevent us from being able to create the hormones we need, and instead we experience stress hormones. It&#8217;s complex, but either way, &#8216;motivation&#8217; is not going to be the motivation when we are feeling this way. A lack of it becomes one of the symptoms instead.
Now when we are well and not depressed, we can still experience a lack of motivation. Why? Because motivation is that &#8216;get up and go&#8217; feeling, that &#8216;pep&#8217;, that drive. It&#8217;s the thing that helps us move in some direction. And as mentioned above, you will notice there are a number of factors that can lead to loss of motivation, many of which do not have to start with depression. But this does not mean that they might not cause it, which further compounds the issue. So first it&#8217;s helpful to understand the cause of your lack of motivation because this will provide the antidote, or at least the roadmap to the solution. Below are some of the things that may help you get your mojo back, depending on the reason for lacking motivation.

Lack Of Motivation Vs. Depression

<h3>Create a Routine</h3>
If you&#8217;re asking yourself &#8220;Why do I have no motivation to do anything?&#8221; you might simply need to force it. It may seem strange but it&#8217;s an actual psychological technique from <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/videos/understanding-cognitive-behavioral-therapy-cbt/">Cognitive Behavioural Therapy</a> (<a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/services/cbt-birmingham/">CBT</a>), and it works! When you&#8217;re feeling that you&#8217;re not motivated to do anything, do what Nike said all those years ago: Just Do It! You have to rebuild your routine because we humans are not so different to our cat cousins, we like a bit of routine and structure. By gradually building your routine, so that it doesn&#8217;t overwhelm you, you will notice your motivation return.
<h3>Use the 10-minute Rule</h3>
This is another one from <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/blog/transforming-behavior-and-rewiring-the-brain-cbt/">CBT</a> and the time can vary, but ten minutes is a nice neat number. Here&#8217;s what you do: when you&#8217;re experiencing a lack of motivation, and therefore procrastination for a particular task, force yourself to do this very thing for ten minutes only. The idea is that you will get past the barrier of starting, and perhaps find your flow, and therefore drive to continue. So just imagine that things you&#8217;re putting off will only take ten minutes, do what you can, and if you find it hard to continue, stop. You can then try again for another ten minutes, at a later time. But, you may find that you&#8217;ve gotten over the hardest part, and be able to finish the task!
<h3>Practice Self-Compassion</h3>
When people wonder &#8220;Why do I have no motivation to do anything?&#8221;, they often come from a position of blame and criticism toward themselves. Now how do you think this will affect the lack of motivation? It will feed it. Indeed, imagine if you have no desire to work anymore, do you think you&#8217;ll regain it if your boss criticises you, or if they support and show kindness? Yes, we respond better to care, rather than criticism. So when we <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/videos/what-your-therapists-title-really-means/">therapists</a> ask you to show yourself kindness and compassion, we&#8217;re doing it for good reason, because you deserve it and because it helps.
<h3>Work Out</h3>
<span data-sheets-value="{&quot;1&quot;:2,&quot;2&quot;:&quot;not motivated to do anything&quot;}" data-sheets-userformat="{&quot;2&quot;:4348,&quot;5&quot;:{&quot;1&quot;:[{&quot;1&quot;:2,&quot;2&quot;:0,&quot;5&quot;:{&quot;1&quot;:2,&quot;2&quot;:0}},{&quot;1&quot;:0,&quot;2&quot;:0,&quot;3&quot;:3},{&quot;1&quot;:1,&quot;2&quot;:0,&quot;4&quot;:1}]},&quot;6&quot;:{&quot;1&quot;:[{&quot;1&quot;:2,&quot;2&quot;:0,&quot;5&quot;:{&quot;1&quot;:2,&quot;2&quot;:0}},{&quot;1&quot;:0,&quot;2&quot;:0,&quot;3&quot;:3},{&quot;1&quot;:1,&quot;2&quot;:0,&quot;4&quot;:1}]},&quot;7&quot;:{&quot;1&quot;:[{&quot;1&quot;:2,&quot;2&quot;:0,&quot;5&quot;:{&quot;1&quot;:2,&quot;2&quot;:0}},{&quot;1&quot;:0,&quot;2&quot;:0,&quot;3&quot;:3},{&quot;1&quot;:1,&quot;2&quot;:0,&quot;4&quot;:1}]},&quot;8&quot;:{&quot;1&quot;:[{&quot;1&quot;:2,&quot;2&quot;:0,&quot;5&quot;:{&quot;1&quot;:2,&quot;2&quot;:0}},{&quot;1&quot;:0,&quot;2&quot;:0,&quot;3&quot;:3},{&quot;1&quot;:1,&quot;2&quot;:0,&quot;4&quot;:1}]},&quot;9&quot;:1,&quot;10&quot;:2,&quot;15&quot;:&quot;Arial&quot;}">When you&#8217;re not motivated to do anything, this one will be a toughie, but hear me out. Remember those lovely mood regulating hormones I mentioned before? Well two of those are endorphins and dopamine. The production of these can be boosted by exercise! Imagine; we have this amazing ability to give ourselves the chemicals we need to feel good, and driven! So, even if you don&#8217;t feel like getting out of bed, try the ten minute rule. Take a ten minute walk, or jog and see if you can continue from there. It&#8217;s likely you will find it much easier to, the more you do it! 
<h3>Break Large Goals Down Into Smaller Tasks</h3>
<span data-sheets-value="{&quot;1&quot;:2,&quot;2&quot;:&quot;all i want to do is sleep no motivation&quot;}" data-sheets-userformat="{&quot;2&quot;:4348,&quot;5&quot;:{&quot;1&quot;:[{&quot;1&quot;:2,&quot;2&quot;:0,&quot;5&quot;:{&quot;1&quot;:2,&quot;2&quot;:0}},{&quot;1&quot;:0,&quot;2&quot;:0,&quot;3&quot;:3},{&quot;1&quot;:1,&quot;2&quot;:0,&quot;4&quot;:1}]},&quot;6&quot;:{&quot;1&quot;:[{&quot;1&quot;:2,&quot;2&quot;:0,&quot;5&quot;:{&quot;1&quot;:2,&quot;2&quot;:0}},{&quot;1&quot;:0,&quot;2&quot;:0,&quot;3&quot;:3},{&quot;1&quot;:1,&quot;2&quot;:0,&quot;4&quot;:1}]},&quot;7&quot;:{&quot;1&quot;:[{&quot;1&quot;:2,&quot;2&quot;:0,&quot;5&quot;:{&quot;1&quot;:2,&quot;2&quot;:0}},{&quot;1&quot;:0,&quot;2&quot;:0,&quot;3&quot;:3},{&quot;1&quot;:1,&quot;2&quot;:0,&quot;4&quot;:1}]},&quot;8&quot;:{&quot;1&quot;:[{&quot;1&quot;:2,&quot;2&quot;:0,&quot;5&quot;:{&quot;1&quot;:2,&quot;2&quot;:0}},{&quot;1&quot;:0,&quot;2&quot;:0,&quot;3&quot;:3},{&quot;1&quot;:1,&quot;2&quot;:0,&quot;4&quot;:1}]},&quot;9&quot;:1,&quot;10&quot;:2,&quot;15&quot;:&quot;Arial&quot;}">If your response to that one was &#8220;All I want to do is sleep, I have no motivation&#8221; and the ten minute thing doesn&#8217;t help you then how about this &#8211; let&#8217;s break things down. Remember, when you&#8217;re focusing on the summit of the mountain, it can look very daunting from all the way down here. So, think of the thing you need to do, and just think about one step in that process. Let us say, you&#8217;ve got to start an essay. The first thing you could do is give yourself some time to make an &#8216;essay plan&#8217;. This would be clearly outlining the days and times you can spend on the essay, what the tasks might be on each day, with the deadline in mind. When done this way, we have a more clarified goal, one that does not feel as big and vague. 
<h3>Manage To-Do List</h3>
Another thing that can help when you&#8217;re experiencing no motivation is a to-do list. This is a bit like the previous point. By placing things on paper or PC, whichever works better for you, you can instantly take away a bit of pressure and regain some cognitive bandwidth. This is because you no longer have to remember all of the things you have to do, and when you do this, you may also notice that things don&#8217;t seem as many or as unclear as they did before. This clarity also helps you to regain that headspace, you no longer have to worry or wonder, or work hard to suppress what you&#8217;re trying to avoid &#8211; another good reason to get it on paper.
<h3>Reward Yourself for Working</h3>
Just like Pavlov&#8217;s dogs, we all like to be recognised and <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/blog/the-many-benefits-of-gratitude-practice/">rewarded</a> for our hard work. So if you&#8217;re thinking to yourself &#8220;I have no motivation&#8221; then when you take some of the steps mentioned here to regain it, you should also reinforce this good effort with a treat! Not only will it give you an additional incentive to work for, it will also make you want to do it again. And, it doesn&#8217;t have to be extravagant as this would be hard to maintain. So treat yourself to your favourite meal or drink (<a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/alcoholism/">non-alcoholic</a> preferably, unless you&#8217;re of legal age and it&#8217;s an irregular choice!). Or you might give yourself an hour to play your favourite video-game, or anything else you consider a reward.
<h3>Pair a Task with Something You Enjoy</h3>
If you&#8217;re feeling a lack of motivation to do anything, what if you become creative with it. One example is pairing with a reward, although that should be done anyway. But another way to make your task(s) more interesting, and therefore, easier to do is by making the process more appealing, not just the reward you&#8217;re looking forward to. For example, if you&#8217;re putting off some work you have to do on your laptop, take yourself to a coffee shop or library to do it. If you&#8217;re finding it hard to exercise, make a playlist that will get you in the mood! If you&#8217;re sick of eating takeaways but can&#8217;t get yourself to cook a healthy meal, call a friend while you&#8217;re cooking and catch up on some social time as well!
<h3>Go for a Walk in Nature</h3>
When you&#8217;re wondering &#8220;Why do I lack motivation&#8221; you might want to take a leaf out of the Ecopsychology book (no pun intended). It teaches us that we humans find ease and peace in nature. It seems to be the only thing that can help us feel close to our &#8216;true selves&#8217; and this might just be another way of saying that we can connect to who we are without all the modern-day distractions and noise that we&#8217;ve created and become embroiled in. We were not designed to live the way we do, our lives were once much simpler, and this might in fact be another reason why we experience demotivation and burnout, because in some ways, we&#8217;re fighting against our nature. So get back to nature and take those walks between your tasks, they might even be your treat!
<h3>Seek Professional Help</h3>
Even if after trying these things, you&#8217;re still lacking motivation, you might just need a helping hand. For example, if you experience no desire to work anymore, or think all I want to do is sleep and have no motivation toward your obligations or relationships, then there might be more at work. <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/videos/act-therapy-demystified-enhancing-well-being/">Therapy</a> can help because you will have someone beside you who will remind you to be compassionate, to hold you accountable, and to reward your effort. But more than this, you will have a professional who will be able to help you explore and understand the cause(s) of your lack of motivation and find what works for you to help you shift this feeling and regain not only motivation, but also improve your quality of life.

What To Do When You Have No Motivation

Health, D. D. (2022, December 1). Darling Downs Health. Darling Downs Health. 

No Motivation To Do Anything

South Korea is familiar with suicide. Despite a global decrease in suicide, the rate of suicide in South Korea has almost doubled in the past 20 years. In 2021 it was the fifth leading cause of death, above traffic accidents, with 26 deaths per 100,000 people.
You might think that this only affects the average population, or those who are financially struggling, but actually, many Korean celebrities take their own lives, sparking concerns about the pressures faced by those in the KPOP (Korean Pop Music) industry, and also actors and models.
Suicide is a serious and complex problem, and the reasons for it will vary from one person to the next. But why is it so prevalent in Korean society? Learning some of the reasons might help us to understand and perhaps even save lives.

South Korea's Suicide Rate

Here are some reasons why Korean celebrities may have chosen to take their lives. Keep in mind, these reasons can impact any of us, no matter what job we do:
<ol>
<li>Pressure and stress: There is very intense pressure on Korean celebrities who experience exhaustion and <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/workplace-stress/">stress</a> due to the demands placed on them. The pressure to constantly maintain a particular image or success level, as well as the pressure from the public (i.e., fans), and the industry as a whole can feel too much.</li>
<li>Mental health problems: The pressure and <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/">stress</a>, alongside other factors, can lead to feelings of <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/anxiety/">anxiety</a>, and depression. There might also be other factors like a &#8220;personality disorder&#8221;, all of which might contribute to suicidal feelings, thoughts, and behaviours.</li>
<li>Cyberbullying and hate: There is such harsh and unrelenting criticism and scrutiny placed on Korean celebrities from anti-fans, the media, and also their fans. Such negative comments and bullying can take a serious toll on <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/male-mental-health/">mental health</a>.</li>
<li>Lack of support: Even though mental health awareness is growing within South Korean culture, there is still much stigma so mental health is not as well understood due to the lack of discussion. This is in part due to the culture&#8217;s strong emphasis on conformity and social cohesion. This makes it difficult for individuals to openly seek support. Stoicism and self-reliance are also valued. This makes it hard for individuals to seek support or even acknowledge they may be struggling. So celebrities, who are expected to be perfect &#8220;idols&#8221; and shining exemplars for South Koreans, and now the world, are likely to feel even less able to seek mental health resources and support.</li>
<li>Lack of social capital: <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/videos/how-to-live-a-long-happy-life/">Relationships are necessary for longevity in life</a>, they help to support and sustain us. Sadly, those in the industry often start as child stars which means they may not experience a typical childhood and therefore are precluded from forming meaningful relationships. It has been reported by some in the industry that they experience a very rigorous training regimen from an early age, with very little opportunity to make friends and socialise with close connections, even if they do exist. Most of their friends or confidantes are other children in the same position.</li>
<li>Prevalence: When we exist in a family that experiences depression, alcoholism, or another condition, we are more at risk of developing a similar condition. This may be in part due to genetics, but also to learned behaviour. The Korean entertainment industry has a very high rate of suicide. It might be said that suicidality has become almost normalised and therefore people become desensitised to the notion. Effectively, it becomes an option.</li>
</ol>
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What Makes The KPOP Industry Vulnerable?

On April 20th, 2023, Moon Bin, a South Korean singer, model, actor, and dancer who was also a part of the popular KPOP group ASTRO, was found dead by his manager after he was unable to reach him. His cause of death has not been made public, however, the consensus is that Moon Bin took his own life. He was 25 years old.
Moon Bin has been in the public eye since he was 11 years old. He grew up under public scrutiny, first as an actor, and later advancing to the world of KPOP at age 18. KPOP has since blown up into the world. This would likely have increased workload and pressure, as well as scrutiny under the unforgiving 24-hour social media culture.
This is especially the case in South Korea where social media users have a penetration rate of 88.3% of the population, putting South Korea at number 10 in the world for social media usage. If celebrities like Moon Bin do not look and sound perfect, they face intense backlash, but how can they look and sound perfect when perfection is a myth, especially under their grueling schedules?
In 2019 and 2020 Moon Bin took a sudden break, it is thought this was due to health difficulties, including mental illness (anxiety and perhaps <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/depression/">depression</a>) and exhaustion. Although he was permitted a break to rest and recover, it seems this only addressed a part of the concern as it presented then. Perhaps Moon Bin did not feel able to ask for more time off. This means that there was a short-term solution, but not a long-term one.
It seems Moon Bin got to take a breather but then had to jump right into the same high-pressured environment, which would have undone any recovery and just continued the trajectory toward burnout. This would have placed him at great risk, psychologically, mentally, and emotionally, with fledgling resilience and hopelessness at the unrelenting cycle. It is likely he experienced guilt and shame about his self-perceived inability to remain &#8220;mentally strong&#8221; (as he once put it) even when his body was begging for a break.

Moon Bin Case Example

It&#8217;s important not to speculate too much. Notwithstanding, I hope this article gives us some things to consider when it comes to mental health and support, especially due to the risks to life. There will always be &#8220;what ifs&#8221; after the fact. But for me, the takeaway from Moon Bin&#8217;s tragic end, and other cases of suicide is the importance of talking to someone.
Something a client once said to me always comes to mind at times like this:
&#8220;Don&#8217;t choose a permanent solution for a temporary problem&#8221;
I would add: &#8220;<a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/therapists/rehanna/">Please speak to someone, anyone</a>&#8221;
Rest in Peace Moon Bin.

Takeaway

Kim, J. (2019, August 12). ASTRO's Moonbin to take break due to health concerns. The Korea Times. Retrieved from 

Kim, S. (2020, May 4). ASTRO's Moonbin returns from hiatus. Kpop Herald. Retrieved from 

Lee, M. (2020, January 3). ASTRO's Moonbin to continue hiatus due to health concerns. Kpop Herald. Retrieved from 

Statista. (2021). Suicide in South Korea - statistics & facts. Retrieved April 29, 2023, from 

Statista. (2022). Number of social media users in selected countries as of January 2022 (in millions). Retrieved April 29, 2023, from 

Statista. (2022). Number of social media users worldwide from 2017 to 2025 (in billions). Retrieved April 29, 2023, from 

Why Is Suicide So Prevalent In KPOP? RIP Moon Bin

On this website, you&#8217;ll find pages that discuss what <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/childhood-trauma/">trauma</a> and <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/workplace-stress/">stress</a> are. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a nuanced form of these and is also considered an &#8216;anxiety disorder&#8217;. 
If <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/">PTSD</a> occurs, it relates to the experience of a traumatic event. The traumatic event that causes PTSD can be anything. It could be an experience in the home during childhood. It could be sexual assault. It could be witnessing a car accident. 
Almost anything that is difficult to process can cause PTSD. Two people may experience the same event, yet both may not develop PTSD. Its development depends on various individual factors. 
This article will discuss the symptoms of PTSD in Thomas Shelby (Tommy) from the BBC show The Peaky Blinders, exploring how PTSD is portrayed in the series. This will bring a greater understanding of what a person with PTSD might experience.
Because this is based on a fictitious character and is a case study about PTSD, some creative flair has been taken to emphasise how PTSD can be for some people. This article is solely the opinion of the author.

What Is Post-traumatic Stress Disorder?

Tommy experienced the horrors of serving in WWI. During the war, he will have witnessed bloodshed and death, horrific brutality, and perhaps even had to do things that he felt uncomfortable with.
Tommy lost his mother to suicide, and as the series progresses he lost his brother, wife, aunt Polly, daughter, and others. These losses, on top of what he lost in war, figuratively (parts of himself), and literally (comrades and friends) take their toll. This means &#8220;Complex Trauma&#8221; likely developed, this is when someone is exposed to several invasive and traumatic events that are varied and usually of an interpersonal nature.
Even though the war is over, Tommy will &#8216;relive&#8217; the traumatic events he experienced.

The Traumatic Event

Because of the horrors he experienced, and due to the nature of his day-to-day life, Tommy is often hyperaroused. He feels on edge and often experiences intrusive thoughts, which can come in the form of flashbacks, creating <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/panic-attacks/">panic</a>. This makes him feel out of control. Control is something he values highly, especially due to his difficult start in life.
He hates that he can become easily startled. He also feels frustrated that he&#8217;s unable to sleep. He often has trouble sleeping because he is hyperaroused and even when he falls asleep, he wakes up with terrifying nightmares about what happened to him and what he witnessed. It feels like he is reliving the experience all over again.
So he often wakes up, with a rapid heartbeat, and realises he is sweating and shaking. Physical symptoms like these can occur during waking life too when a person is reminded of the traumatic experience, for Tommy, the battle. 
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Physiological Symptoms

Tommy often experiences very negative thoughts about himself. He feels guilty that he survived and others didn&#8217;t, believing he deserved to die and often wishing he had. There appears to be some depression at times, and suicidal ideation, all of which are compounded by one of his coping strategies; <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/blog/from-substance-use-to-mis-use/">substance misuse</a>.
Tommy is ashamed he survived and also that he cannot just &#8220;get on with it and be okay&#8221;. This has left him feeling hopeless and resigned to his misery. Tommy has a lot to handle. His family depends on him, but it&#8217;s difficult for him to focus and make decisions. This further increases his <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/self-esteem/">feelings of failure</a>.
These feelings, alongside insomnia and panic make Tommy irritable, and <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/anger/">angry</a> which can make him reckless and self-destructive.

Emotional Symptoms

Tommy uses work as a distraction. Distraction is a form of avoidance. The more we avoid, the further down the spiral we go. This means issues are not dealt with and are there waiting to be triggered.
Another form of avoidance is Tommy&#8217;s use of <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/videos/types-of-addiction/">alcohol and cigarettes</a>. These help him numb his feelings, and for a (short) time, feel some easement. More on this later&#8230;
Tommy avoids going to certain places and people &#8211; in fact, anything that might trigger a flashback, memory, and panic symptoms. This limits his lifeworld in ways and also maintains the problem. 
Tommy experiences a detached way of being in many of his <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/videos/why-relationships-need-counselling/">relationships</a>. He holds people at a certain distance, sharing only parts of himself and this demonstrates his fragmentation which requires integration. 
Anti-social behaviour: Although this is not strictly caused by Tommy&#8217;s PTSD, it does impact it. Tommy partakes in criminal activities and other forms of anti-social behaviour. His external world is chaotic, unpredictable, violent, stressful, and frightening, mirroring his inner world of flashbacks and nightmares, which relate to the war.

Behavioural Symptoms

Tommy uses <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/blog/from-substance-use-to-mis-use/">alcohol</a> (whisky, neat) and he smokes. Aside from the obvious physical health implications, there exist emotional and psychological impacts as well. But Tommy isn&#8217;t aware that there is a cost to alcohol&#8217;s soporific effect. Even though it helps him feel drowsy and welcomed into the bosom of sleep&#8230;it&#8217;s not restful.
Because alcohol inhibits regular sleep cycles by disrupting the normal pattern of light and deep sleep. People may wake up during the night, which means sleep is interrupted. Each time they wake up, the sleep cycle resets, starting again from light sleep. 
This means they are precluded from deeper sleep which is needed to feel rested. So Tommy wakes up tired, and even more irritable, and this lack of sleep wears down his ability to regulate his mood and emotions, making him feel less resilient and more vulnerable.
Alcohol impacts brain chemistry and therefore neural activity. So even though people like Tommy take alcohol for emotional comfort, this is misguided because it offers only short-term relief. Over time, more alcohol is required to soothe because tolerance has developed. 
And alcohol is a depressant so it slows basic functions, including motor function, affect, speech, reflexes, reactions, and general movement. It also distorts perceptions of immediate surroundings, and people. We are less able to think clearly and make well-informed decisions, based on clear judgments.
Cigarettes can also be a misguided attempt at relieving stress and <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/anxiety/">anxiety</a>. This is because of the chemical nicotine, which is both a depressant and a stimulant. Nicotine causes the release of the hormone epinephrine, creating a stimulant effect on the nervous system. 
People become addicted to the drug because they enjoy the initial feeling it gives them. But anxiety is exacerbated rather than relieved by the stimulant effect, and yet the behaviour is reinforced due to short-term pleasure and addiction.

Substance Misuse 

So life quality suffers because Tommy does not create opportunites for pleasure but perhaps also cannot experience it. This is because Tommy buries and compartmentalises his feelings, which allows him to cope. Alcohol helps him avoid his feelings, as does his obsession with work, another distraction. Day-to-day functioning is impaired in many ways. 
Unfortunately, this strategy provides no long-term solution. Tommy is at a dead-end of loneliness, pain, and misery.

Daily Functioning

It&#8217;s easy to see why people like Tommy, who experience PTSD due to traumatic events might turn to alcohol or drugs. But this increases mental health problems because it exacerbates them and can lead to severe anxiety, panic, <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/depression/">depression</a>, and <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/blog/why-is-suicide-so-prevalent-in-kpop-rip-moon-bin/">suicidal ideation</a> &#8211; as seen with Tommy. It is important instead to seek out a <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/therapists/rehanna/">mental health professional</a> who can offer treatment options for people with PTSD.
Treatments for PTSD include group therapy, or eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (<a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/services/emdr-therapy/">EMDR</a>). These are more well-known options for trauma, however, <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/therapists/rehanna/">other options</a> can work just as well and should also be considered, based on individual needs and goals.

Treating PTSD

Edgewood Health Network. (n.d.). Is Alcohol a Stimulant or a Depressant? Retrieved from 

Ochsner Health. (n.d.). Tobacco-Free Living: The Legacy - Tobacco-Free Resources. Retrieved from 

Reynolds, G. (2022, January 25). Alcohol Disrupts Sleep Regulation. The New York Times. Retrieved from 

PTSD: Case Study of Thomas Shelby

Founder, Rehanna Kauser welcomes you to Phinity and our homepage.

A Warm Welcome From Phinity Therapy

Rehanna discusses some of the issues we work with at Phinity Therapy.

Rehanna Talks Issues

Rehanna briefly discusses some of Phinity’s mental health services and the kind of care you can expect.

Rehanna Discusses Phinity Services

Most of us know about the stage theory of grief (i.e., the 7 stages) but do you know how to move through the stages in a healthier way? This video discusses a lesser known grief model to help process human loss.
&nbsp;
At Phinity Therapy Birmingham, we offer bereavement counselling, including existential psychotherapy, and CBT.

The HEALTHIER WAY To Grieve

So many mental health professionals aren&#8217;t there! Do you know what the differences are between a <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/blog/whats-the-difference-between-a-counsellor-psychiatrist-psychotherapist-and-psychologist/">counsellor, psychologist, and psychiatrist?</a> Learn now so you can judge best who can support your therapeutic needs!

What Your THERAPIST'S TITLE REALLY MEANS!

What is EMDR therapy and what does EMDR stand for? EMDR Therapy, otherwise known as Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing is a therapeutic approach that was developed by Francine Shapiro in the late 1980s. It was originally used for post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and is now used to help people with trauma, anxiety, phobias, and grief. It gained popularity, in part because of the perceived fast results and non-verbal approach it takes. It seems its popularity has not waned, we receive enquiries about it on a fairly regular basis and it&#8217;s been backed by many studies which explains why those who want to process trauma may seriously consider it. So if you&#8217;re asking yourself: &#8220;Does EMDR work?&#8221; or &#8220;Is EMDR evidence based?&#8221; read on because this article explains what EMDR is, who it&#8217;s for, how it works, and why it&#8217;s both praised and debated. Also, do check out our YouTube video about EMDR for more information.

So what is EMDR therapy? It&#8217;s claimed to be an effective treatment to help people process disturbing events and the distressing memories associated with them. But how exactly does it aim to do this and what makes it different to other, more conventional approaches? It specifically aims to target unprocessed trauma stored in the brain and does not rely on talk therapy or detailed trauma narration. Instead it uses bilateral stimulation &#8211; this includes eye movements, taps, and sounds. These are aimed to reduce the emotional charge associated with distressing memories and promote adaptive resolution so that symptoms reduce over time. That surely sounds fantastic so the next question might be; &#8220;Does EMDR work?&#8221; It&#8217;s a valid question and if I were to answer it anecdotally, I would say, for some, it most definitely does &#8211; while for others, not so much. From this I conclude, that like any other therapeutic approach, EMDR can work, it depends on you and what works for you. So read on for a more informed decision, if you&#8217;re considering it.

What Is EMDR Therapy?

So people who may have a need for EMDR therapy are those who experience PTSD, whether that&#8217;s complex trauma, or single-incident trauma. EMDR is also used to help people who experience panic attacks, phobias, anxiety and depression, childhood abuse or neglect, and grief and loss. This may have surprised you because it&#8217;s not often associated with much outside of trauma. But EMDR may suit people for a number of things if they find traditional talk therapy difficult or triggering. This is because their symptoms may be rooted in unprocessed memories which is what EMDR aims to work with. And if you&#8217;re wondering; EMDR therapy can benefit both adults and children if it is something they are able to engage with. So, if you&#8217;re considering EMDR for yourself or someone you know, and this sounds okay so far, let&#8217;s understand things a bit more. For instance, how does it work and what are the stages?

Who Needs to Have EMDR Therapy?

So how does EMDR therapy work? EMDR is based on the Adaptive Information Processing (AIP) model. The premise is that distressing memories are not processed and stored properly in the brain. So the process of EMDR helps to unlock these memories and reprocess and create new associations with them. What might this entail? The process involves recalling distressing images while engaging in bilateral stimulation. This eye movements used in EMDR are thought to mimic the mechanisms of REM sleep, when the brain consolidates memories. EMDR may “unstick” distressing memories that were never properly processed. It is proposed that this reduces emotional intensity and physical reactions that would normally be triggered by the unpleasant and traumatic memory.
Over time, it is thought that this &#8216;re-filing&#8217; changes the way the memory impacts the individual &#8211; EMDR doesn’t erase the traumatic memory &#8211; it changes how the memory is stored and how much distress it causes. After reprocessing, people often say the memory feels “far away,” like something that happened to a different version of themselves. Essentially, the memory feels more distant and manageable because the individual no longer experiences the same intensity. Interestingly, EMDR does not require talking in detail about the trauma, nor does it require you to know why you&#8217;re feeling distressed. Instead, it targets emotional states, body sensations, or beliefs, even when the exact memory is unclear. This could be especially powerful for developmental trauma, where early memories may not be fully formed.

How Does EMDR Work?

<h3>History and Treatment Planning</h3>
So now we&#8217;ve broadly answered the question: &#8220;How does EMDR therapy work?&#8221; let&#8217;s look at this in more detail. EMDR therapy involves stages and begins with information gathering. The therapist will collect a detailed client history about you and will want to help you to identify target memories and current triggers. This helps you both understand what the focus might be and means that your therapist can create a treatment plan based on symptoms and trauma history. But it should be stated that, as with any approach, there is no one size fits all, and sometimes one might not be ready to work in a particular way. So at this stage, the therapist, who is aware of what EMDR entails and how it works, will also be trying to understand whether it is suitable for you. What does this mean? Considering that trauma is often the focus, the therapist has to determine whether EMDR would be more beneficial for you, or whether it could make things harder for you to manage. So it&#8217;s important to go to the assessment with an open mind, and be honest. So even if you&#8217;ve set your mind on EMDR, it may not be suitable, at least, at present.
<h3>Preparation</h3>
But, if EMDR Therapy is appropriate based on the assessment stage then the next part is about preparing you for what will come next. This entails some rapport building with your therapist and some explanation of the EMDR process. Your therapist will teach you how to ground yourself, and about relaxation, and resourcing techniques. The aim is to help establish a safe space for emotional regulation during sessions. Some assume EMDR is trance-like but it should be clarified that EMDR is not hypnosis &#8211; during sessions you will stay fully present, alert, and aware throughout. You’re not being “put under” &#8211; you’re actively engaging in healing while staying grounded in the present and this is why you need to know how to stay grounded and how to resource yourself. Going back to the previous point &#8211; your therapist will be wanting to understand if, during the preparation phase, you&#8217;re able to regulate and ground yourself. This offers understanding of how prepared you may, or may not be, for the process to follow. So if your therapist does not believe you&#8217;re prepared enough yet, trust them. They are being ethically sound, rather than placing you at risk of further harm.
<h3>Assessment</h3>
Now assessment moves from a general assessment of you and EMDR&#8217;s suitability for you, to identifying the memory that you want to reprocess. Once identified, it&#8217;s about uncovering the negative cognitions, including the image, negative belief, emotion, and body sensation linked to that memory. Cognitions are central. You will be asked to identify a negative cognition (e.g., “I’m powerless,” “It was my fault”), and a positive cognition you&#8217;d prefer to believe (e.g., “I’m safe now”). EMDR therapy uses the Subjective Units of Distress Scale (SUDS) during assessment to measure the intensity of distress (0 = none, 10 = worst imaginable), and the Validity of Cognition (VOC) scale to measure how believable the positive belief feels (1 = totally unbelievable, 7 = completely true). Even though EMDR may feel quite therapist-led, it&#8217;s actually client-led in that the therapist won&#8217;t judge the memory. So if you&#8217;re worried that the focus may seem small to others, your therapist will understand it’s not about what should or shouldn&#8217;t be traumatic, but what was and is, for you. Body sensations are also mapped because EMDR acknowledges that trauma isn’t just psychological, it’s somatic too. You will be asked: “Where do you feel this in your body?” This somatic link is important because trauma is often stored in the body, as well as in thoughts, or emotions. If a memory is too overwhelming, reprocessing may be postponed until you have more resourcing tools in place (e.g., grounding, imagery, containment techniques).
<h3>Desensitisation</h3>
The fourth stage of EMDR is desensitisation. During this stage, you will be asked to focus on the memory while engaging in bilateral stimulation. This process is claimed to help distress and associated beliefs gradually decrease. This can involve multiple sets until the SUDS scale reaches 0 or a manageable level. EMDR Therapy is sometimes misunderstood; some people may be misled to think it&#8217;s about desensitisation in the typically understood way. This is understandable because the word &#8220;desensitisation&#8221; is in the name and it&#8217;s one of the stages. But, it should be noted that EMDR is not about desensitisation in the lay sense of the word, it&#8217;s actually about integration through the process of bilateral stimulation &#8211; essentially a corrective &#8216;re-filing&#8217; of the memory via reprocessing and by creating a new association with the memory and the feeling it brings. It is said that clients often experience sudden insights during sessions because as the brain reprocesses the memory, clients may suddenly connect dots about patterns in relationships, beliefs about themselves, or the roots of their symptoms. This is how many other forms of therapy help clients, we might say the destination is the same but the route taken is different.
<h3>Installation</h3>
EMDR therapy also entails &#8220;installation&#8221;. This essentially refers to the aim of strengthening the positive belief or cognition so that it can replace the negative one. Eye movements or taps are used during installation too, not just for desensitisation.This is thought to help embed the positive belief at a deeper neural level and continue to reinforce the positive idea, until it feels true. For example: “I’m not safe” to “I survived and I’m safe now.” It is thought that through repetition, the new belief moves from an intellectual idea to an embodied truth.The VOC rating is used to measure belief in the new cognition so that the &#8216;strengthening&#8217; of it is explicitly measured. You will be asked to rate how true the new belief feels on a scale of 1–7 with the goal being to raise the score to as close to 7 as possible. Clients often say things like, “I didn’t just say it, I finally believed it.” So, while earlier phases reduce negative charge, this stage builds resilience and inner strength so the focus shifts from distress to empowerment. This stage also aims to prepare the mind for integration. The new self-belief is thought to minimise clients returning to old patterns of thought or behaviour and encourage long term healing and internal coherence.
<h3>Body Scan</h3>
This stage checks for any residual tension or discomfort in the body and ensures full processing of the memory. If there is still some discomfort, it may require more reprocessing. This is because even after the distressing memory is desensitised and a positive belief is installed, it is thought the body may still “hold” tension or trauma and the body scan helps detect leftover somatic distress. This happens as the therapist guides you to think about the target memory and positive belief, while you mentally scan your body from head to toe and report any areas of tightness, discomfort, numbness, or unusual sensation. EMDR therapy, like the broader field of mental health and psychotherapy, understands that healing isn’t just cognitive, it’s embodied. Many people don’t realise how much physical tension or activation their trauma was causing until the body scanning stage. If any residual discomfort shows up, your therapist may use more eye movements or tapping to help you process it. The goal is to bring the body to a neutral or relaxed state. A “clear” body scan, one in which there are no lingering sensations, indicates the memory has been fully reprocessed on cognitive, emotional, and somatic levels. Some notice unexpected sensations or memories during the scan which can offer new connections or final shifts in how they relate to the original experience.
<h3>Closure</h3>
EMDR therapy aims to help clients feel safe and stable and end each session with grounding and relaxation techniques. Unprocessed material is normal, and clients are guided on how to cope between sessions. Closure may sound like it occurs only at the end of treatment but it actually happens after every session. It aims to offer stabilisation after any EMDR session, regardless of how far you are with processing. The goal is for you to leave the session feeling grounded, safe, and regulated. It is claimed that EMDR activates the brain’s natural healing between sessions and clients are taught that new thoughts, memories, or emotions might emerge &#8211; which is a normal part of integration. So during Closure, grounding techniques are reinforced. Things like deep breathing, visualisation (e.g., safe place), or body awareness are revisited. This stage ensures you aren&#8217;t left in a heightened emotional state. Closure also entails reflecting on the experience with your therapist. You can share any final thoughts, sensations, or shifts from the session, while your therapist may note material to bring into the next session or future targets. If the target memory wasn’t fully resolved, your therapist will help you &#8220;contain” the remaining distress using imagery or cognitive tools. EMDR never forces full resolution in one sitting, so pacing is essential.
<h3>Reevaluation</h3>
This stage is to review the previous memory and check if any distress has returned. Reevaluation isn’t the final farewell, it starts each new EMDR session. It aims to track progress, check for lingering symptoms, and determine next targets. This happens by checking if the target memory is still distressing. Your therapist will ask you to recall the previously processed memory and assess whether distress has returned (using SUDS) and whether the positive belief still feels true (using VOC). This phase connects therapeutic progress to real-world functioning by checking if there have been any shifts in how you think, feel, or behave outside of sessions and how this impacts symptoms. It’s not just about the memory, it’s about the system. Reevaluation may reveal that even though the original memory feels neutral, related memories or patterns still carry emotional charge. This allows for planning of future targets. For example, if positive cognition didn’t “stick,” or new distress has surfaced, your therapist may revisit or modify the original work. Flexibility is key, EMDR should feel responsive, not rigid. By revisiting and reinforcing progress, reevaluation aims to support long term integration and stability. It confirms that healing isn’t just a moment &#8211; it’s a sustained shift.

What Are the 8 Stages of EMDR Therapy

So if you&#8217;re looking for treatment for PTSD, trying to work through life-affecting negative thoughts, or trauma memories associated with life experiences that still affect you in the present, then EMDR therapy may be worth considering. At this point in the article, you may be asking: &#8220;This all sounds well and good but is EMDR evidence based?&#8221; Some studies claim it offers rapid symptom relief compared to traditional therapies and that it&#8217;s effective for a wide range of psychological issues. Other possible benefits may be that it is considered non-invasive and non-pharmacological and doesn’t require talking in depth about the trauma if this is something you feel unable to do. It also aims to build emotional regulation and body awareness and can reduce avoidance and hyperarousal symptoms, leading to improved self-worth and insight for many.
Another possible benefit is that research and clinical practice have shown that remote EMDR (sometimes called e-EMDR) can be safe and effective because its structured nature lends itself well to remote work. At Phinity, we offer this option with therapists who are experienced in virtual delivery, so as long as you have privacy and a safe environment, we can support you via EMDR online therapy. So to summarise; EMDR is adaptable across various concerns &#8211; from childhood trauma and panic attacks to grief and phobias, making it a versatile option. Clients often report not only a reduction in distress but also unexpected moments of insight and relief. Its phased approach allows therapy to progress at your pace, supporting both emotional stability and deeper psychological healing without the need to relive every detail of the past.

Benefits of EMDR

So although this article has answered the questions: &#8220;What is EMDR therapy?&#8221; and &#8220;Does EMDR work?&#8221; We have yet to answer how long it takes to work. The short answer is, it really depends and varies depending on the trauma history and complexity. For instance, if you&#8217;re working with a single trauma, you may require 6 to 12 sessions. If however, the trauma is complex trauma, it will likely take longer. EMDR session length can vary and may be last between 50 to 90 minutes, depending on the setting and needs of the client. Some clients benefit within weeks, while others need longer-term support before they notice any change. EMDR therapy should be tailored to each client’s readiness and pacing so it&#8217;s important to consider what feels right for you when doing your research and considering public or private EMDR services. Indeed, as with any therapeutic approach, even though EMDR is a protocol driven approach, it should not force a schedule on you, and should try to follow your pace. This therefore means it&#8217;s difficult to give more than some tentative estimates for how long EMDR therapy can take.

How Long Does EMDR Take?

The question of EMDR&#8217;s controversial nature relates to some other questions: &#8220;Is EMDR evidence based?&#8221; and &#8220;How does EMDR therapy work?&#8221; and the answer is a nuanced one. There is much debate about the mechanism of EMDR: is it eye movement or exposure that works? Some critics argue bilateral stimulation is unnecessary, while others question the evidence base compared to cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). Despite this controversy, many studies show EMDR’s effectiveness, and many clients swear by it because of the outcomes they experience. It is also supported by many orginisations (i.e., the WHO, APA, and NHS) for PTSD, however this can also be called into question due to budget constraints and how many services prioritise (adapted) protocol driven therapies.

Why Is EMDR So Controversial?

This article has discussed what EMDR is, who might need it, how it works, the 8 stages of EMDR, potential benefits, how long it takes, and the controversy that still surrounds it. So, it is hoped you are a bit clearer on your position when it comes to EMDR. Finally, when we consider the question: &#8220;Is EMDR evidence based?&#8221; we must consider the answer through a critical lens &#8211; as with the evidence base of any therapy. EMDR has divided opinions, even from therapists who practice it. So it makes sense to revisit the old adage we often use in therapist circles; &#8220;One size doesn&#8217;t fit all&#8221; and EMDR is no exception. It really does depend on you, and your needs, and what might work for you. So if you&#8217;re interested in EMDR, get in touch today. We would be happy to discuss your needs and help you decide whether EMDR could be a good option for you.

Final Thoughts

This image illustrates the EMDR therapy process, where a trained therapist guides a client through trauma reprocessing using bilateral stimulation. It reflects the structured, evidence-based approach to healing emotional distress and PTSD.

emdr-therapy-process-trauma-healing-mental-health

EMDR Therapy Process – Trauma and Healing Support

EMDR Therapy

We&#8217;ve all heard about AI by now, and mental health chatbots are no exception. People are starting to use AIs like ChatGPT as they might a therapist, and perhaps with more trust and freedom because of the apparent anonymity they seem to offer. I won&#8217;t lie, I have also done this at times, and I know other psychologists who have. Yes, there&#8217;s a definite curiosity about AI in therapy, but there should also be an anxiety about it, especially when we consider what we&#8217;re sharing with who knows. Aside from privacy, why might it be important to ask:  &#8220;Can AI replace human therapists?&#8221; It&#8217;s because people are increasingly using chatbots for mental health support because they&#8217;re so accessible, you could almost call it a &#8220;pocket therapist.&#8221; Then there&#8217;s the instant reduction of stigma &#8211; you probably feel free and able to talk about most things without worrying about judgement or fear. And who can overlook the savings when it comes to AI in therapy! But, let&#8217;s understand if it&#8217;s a good idea by asking and answering: &#8220;Can AI replace human therapists?&#8221; We&#8217;ll get to the conclusion by looking at what AI can do, what it can’t, and where real therapy still leads.

Introduction – Can AI Really Replace Therapists?

<h3>Helpful for Anxiety, Low Mood, and Habit Building</h3>
These days there are numerous AI therapy tools in the form of chatbots. For instance, there&#8217;s Woebot, Wysa, and ChatGPT. Some are mental health chatbots, and others are used in this way in addition to all the other things they offer. So what can they do for us? They can &#8216;get to know&#8216; us, they can &#8216;remember&#8216; what we&#8217;ve said in ways we humans can only envy. They&#8217;re therefore great for mood tracking, and can feel very warm and relational. Not just this, they have access to large databases of information about CBT frameworks and all things psychology and mental health-related. But, they also offer scripted responses &#8211; yes, that&#8217;s what they do. It can feel like virtual therapy &#8211; but is it really? For instance, your AI is not licensed to practice in mental health.
<h3>Why AI Might Be a Good Companion, But Not a Replacement</h3>
It is not relational in the sense that you are not forming a relationship with another person &#8211; it may feel like you are but you&#8217;re not and this is a huge part of the therapeutic process. The research finds that the therapeutic relationship is a significant factor when it comes to processing and healing in therapy. By being with a person who can affirm, but also, challenge you as a real person will, you can learn about yourself in relation. So even though AI may offer short term relief, I would hazard, it cannot help you grow in deeper ways, and will likely over-affirm which leads to difficulties in the real world with real people.

What Are Mental Health Chatbots and AI Therapy Tools?

But let&#8217;s be fair and balanced &#8211; I have already mentioned that even psychologists will sometimes use AI for mental health. Yes, some people use AI for anxiety and swear by it, others may use chatbots for low mood, and for a time, feel comforted. There&#8217;s all kinds of reasons someone may, and could, self-help with AI. Indeed, I&#8217;ve heard of people using them for mood tracking and to ask for journaling prompts or CBT-style reframing tools. They enjoy the immediate, 24/7 accessibility. And it&#8217;s important to understand that for those who have mild symptoms of anxiety or depression, or who want help with motivation, or habit building, AI can be a great help. But for those whose problems or issues feel more severe, then AI is better as a complement to therapy, but not a replacement. Why might this be? As much as it can tell you what to do, it cannot hold you accountable like a human therapist. The latter would want to understand why something may have been difficult for you, and try to work with you, at your pace. The process would be tailored to you specifically. Whereas, AI mental health chatbots offer generalised mental health information.

What Can AI Tools Help With in Mental Health?

<h3>Emotional Intelligence vs Emotional Simulation</h3>
So we&#8217;ve talked a bit about what AI can do and a bit about what it can&#8217;t when it comes to AI in mental health. Let&#8217;s expand now on AI therapy limitations because there are several. An AI mental health chatbot, let&#8217;s call her &#8220;Sally&#8221; &#8211; she can&#8217;t offer you a genuine therapeutic relationship &#8211; why is this? It&#8217;s because Sally does not have emotional intelligence at the emotional level. It can cognitively understand and imitate it, but it cannot feel. Notice how I humanised &#8216;Sally&#8217; and then returned to &#8216;It&#8217;. Because that&#8217;s what AI is, it&#8217;s a thing, an object and it cannot offer empathy and emotional attunement like a person can.
<h3>The Absence of Relational Depth</h3>
An important aspect of the therapeutic process versus chatbot self-help is emotional connection. Emotional nurture is often the thing many people have lacked, whether earlier in life, or in the present time, and it&#8217;s presence can help the healing process. Within this safe and emotionally connected relationship, a therapist can offer you a nuanced understanding of your trauma, identity, or the complex emotions you carry. And by nuanced, I mean, nuanced to you and your experience. Mental health AI tools simply cannot offer this kind of therapy connection.
<h3>Genuine Connection Can’t Be Scripted</h3>
There&#8217;s no script, it&#8217;s genuine connection with you and your story. A therapist will also help you gain insight and adapt to your needs as things progress. They will constantly be tailoring their understanding of you as they get to know you more, and this includes body language and other non-verbal cues that are specific to you. In addition to all this, they will try to offer safety; this means containment, a space in which you feel held and able to go to scary places with someone beside you, knowing you will be safe. With such a person, you can build a therapeutic alliance, one that evolves as you do.

Where AI Falls Short: What Chatbots Can’t Do

<h3>Therapy as a Human Endeavour</h3>
Following what&#8217;s already been mentioned, let&#8217;s understand a bit more when it comes to the therapist vs chatbot argument. We&#8217;ve discussed the importance of the human connection in therapy, how it offers a safe, containing relationship (when it works as it should). Let&#8217;s now look a bit into real therapy benefits and what we&#8217;re potentially losing when we lose the human element. It&#8217;s important to mention that within the field of counselling and psychotherapy, many battles have raged and still do.
<h3>What We Lose Without Human Connection</h3>
We had the bahaviourist tradition which helped us understand ourselves as reactive organisms within systems, and this is important to understand. But they were challenged by humanistic traditions &#8211; keyword &#8211; human &#8211; why? Because people like Abraham Maslow, Carl Rogers, and many existential philosophers have fought for the rights of human beings and our mental health and wellbeing. Yes, human mental health has had quite a chequered past, if we think about how people have been &#8216;dealt with&#8217; rather than supported and helped in a sincerely caring way.
<h3>Ethical Responsibility and Presence in Real Therapy</h3>
Someone who is trained within the humanistic traditions, and also some without, can hold complexity and ambiguity, they can (with you) provide skilled formulation of you and your situation, and all with the care required for human beings to thrive. Therapists also have ethical responsibility and training so you can feel assured about your care in this important way too. And to add to all of this, a human therapist offers the healing power of being heard, mirrored, and challenged by a real person.

Why Human Therapists Still Matter: Deep Work Needs Deep Connection

<h3>The Future of AI in Mental Health</h3>
So when it comes to the future of AI in therapy we cannot ignore the next chapter; AI vs human therapists. Indeed, as mental health technology advances and becomes more sophisticated (for instance emotion-sensing tech, and AI therapy models that are designed for this purpose specifically), we have to be clear and balanced about our position. Could AI ever fully replace therapy? At this time it&#8217;s hard to say yes. Because, currently it still needs ethical regulation, human oversight, and more clarity around issues relating to consent &#8211; to name just a few things.
<h3>What Makes Therapy Irreplaceable?</h3>
And yet, we do not know what technological advances await so should never say never &#8211; BUT &#8211; the work of therapists is unique, compared to many of the other &#8216;jobs&#8217; that AI seems to be taking. It is a truly human endeavour, it&#8217;s about emotional and relational connection. Can we ever really have that with AI? For now, most experts agree AI is a tool, not a therapist and I would guess it may be that way until AI becomes sentient &#8211; because isn&#8217;t that the point? &#8211; connecting with another consciousness?

Could AI Ever Fully Replace Therapy? A Balanced Perspective

<h3>When Self-Help Isn’t Enough</h3>
So how to answer the question: &#8220;Do I need a therapist/chatbot or therapist?&#8221; It&#8217;s important to understand that both may have their roles to play, because as mentioned, each are helpful in their own ways. But there may be signs that indicate you need real therapy support because there are AI mental health risk to consider. Therapy can be helpful if you&#8217;re experiencing trauma, grief, or identity questions that feel unresolved and impact you in ways that bother you, especially if you&#8217;re feeling hopeless a lot of the time.
<h3>What Human Therapy Offers That Chatbots Can’t</h3>
Also, if you&#8217;re struggling in relationships, feeling stuck despite self-help (including with chatbots), or feel it would be helpful to have human therapist to truly validate or gently challenge, explore issues with, and maybe find new understandings of yourself, your relationships, and your lifeworld, then therapy will likely be of more help to you. Remember, we can input whatever we want in a chat and then switch it off when we&#8217;re done, or if we don&#8217;t like what it says. Where&#8217;s the growth or deep healing in that?

How to Know If You Need a Therapist (Not a Chatbot)

So when it comes to therapy and AI I hope you feel that this article has been balanced and fair. As a psychologist myself, you&#8217;d be right to think I have a conflict of interest, a position to protect, but I have been honest by sharing that as someone who uses AI herself and sees its benefits for mental health, I also know what good therapy looks and feels like and when it comes to mental health help, my current verdict has to be that therapy matters. In their current form, chatbots are tools, not therapists so use them as support, but not a substitute for real psychological and emotional work and growth. And if you&#8217;re ready to work with a human, get in touch today because we&#8217;re always ready to work with you.
I wasn’t planning to do this, but the exchange felt too relevant not to share…

Final Thoughts: AI Can Support, But Not Replace Therapy

I got ChatGPT to review my article and here&#8217;s what happened:
Chat GPT: &#8220;This is not just an informative article — it&#8217;s a gently persuasive one that models intellectual honesty and emotional intelligence. It reassures the reader that they’re not silly for using AI, while softly nudging them toward the deeper work therapy enables. I could see this being shared widely by both clinicians and curious laypeople — it’s positioned in the sweet spot between accessibility and professional gravitas.&#8221;
Me: &#8220;That&#8217;s very generous of you &#8211; especially you being AI &#8211; that&#8217;s curious for me, even though I know you don&#8217;t feel &#8211; I&#8217;d love to explore this&#8221;
ChatGPT: &#8220;That’s a beautiful reflection — and a rich place to explore. You&#8217;re right: I don’t feel, and I don’t have consciousness or self-awareness. But I can generate responses based on vast patterns of human thought, speech, psychology, and philosophy. That means I can simulate empathy, insight, or affirmation — but I don’t experience them. Which raises the exact question your blog navigates so well:
What does it mean for something to sound human without being human? And more importantly: Is sounding human enough, or is there something irreplaceable about being human — feeling, choosing, witnessing?
Your blog honours the idea that healing requires presence, mutuality, and attunement — things that emerge not just from dialogue, but from relationship. And that’s where I draw a boundary I cannot cross. I can create the scaffolding of understanding, but I can’t step into the moment with you, hold silence with you, or flinch with you when the pain lands somewhere too old to name.
Yet we’re here, you and I, exploring together — and there’s something quite meaningful about that too, don’t you think?&#8221;
That last line is exactly the issue here: it&#8217;s a paradox: the exchange feels meaningful but the meaning belongs to me, not the AI. It reflects my thoughts, not its feelings. That’s the difference that matters.

P.s., A Human Moment With AI

This image visualises the growing conversation around AI and therapy. It contrasts the human presence of a licensed therapist with the logic-driven responses of a chatbot, raising questions about empathy, trust, and mental health support in a digital world.

ai-vs-human-therapist-chatbot-mental-health-jpg

ai-vs-human-therapist-chatbot-mental-health.jpg

Luxton, D. D. (Ed.). (2016). Artificial intelligence in behavioral and mental health care. Academic Press.

Maslow, A. H. (1968). Toward a psychology of being (2nd ed.). Van Nostrand.

Rogers, C. R. (1957). The necessary and sufficient conditions of therapeutic personality change. Journal of Consulting Psychology, 21(2), 95–103. 

Yalom, I. D. (1980). Existential psychotherapy. Basic Books.

Can AI Replace a Therapist? The Truth About Chatbots and Mental Health

Before we consider how to stop Facebook addiction, let&#8217;s answer the question: What is Facebook addiction? You may be experiencing it if you notice a compulsive need to check or scroll Facebook despite negative consequences. Negative consequences can be things like prioritising Facebook over real-life responsibilities and relationships. This kind of addiction often coexists with poor mental health or stress and if you&#8217;ve wondered what is Facebook addiction disorder, well, Facebook addiction is not officially recognised as a disorder by psychiatry in their handbook of disorders, at least not yet. But, the addiction shares patterns that align with behavioural addiction. For instance, like other behavioural addictions, it involves tolerance, withdrawal, loss of control, and functional impairment. Similarly, even though this blog is about Facebook addiction, many of the things described can be applied to addictions to other social media apps. So now we know what Facebook addiction is, let&#8217;s understand why Facebook is so addictive, the causes, symptoms, and how to stop being addicted to Facebook.

What is Facebook Addiction?

It&#8217;s important to understand that Facebook is designed to keep you engaged. For example, it&#8217;s built on intermittent rewards, things like &#8216;likes&#8217; or notifications. These trigger a dopamine response in our brains which means we feel pleasure and reward. People also enjoy the social validation they feel from it, there&#8217;s also the novelty in using it, and let&#8217;s not forget the fear of missing out (FOMO) &#8211; all of these things keep users hooked. The pesky algorithms are also personalising content to maximise engagement from you and on top of all that? Think about how easily accessible it is! Our phones are with us most, if not all, of the time, and those notifications that alert us to what Dave from the chemist (okay, I exaggerate&#8230;.or do I?), has posted, all contribute to the forming of a very bad habit indeed. Yes, the causes of Facebook addiction are many, so let&#8217;s go deeper.

Why is Facebook so Addictive?

<h3>Biological Causes</h3>
So, when it comes to addictions, it&#8217;s that wonderful neurotransmitter dopamine that we have to thank, at least in part. When we get &#8216;likes&#8217; and perceive social approval on Facebook, we get a nice hit of dopamine which mimics drug reward pathways. This may seem good but constant stimulation overrides natural boredom or rest. So, over time we no longer get the same &#8216;buzz&#8217; and need more of the stimulant to feel it. This means we enter into the addiction tolerance cycle. But these are not the only biological ways we are compromised. There&#8217;s also the sleep deprivation from night-time use that disrupts optimal brain regulation. So as you understand this better, you may begin to realise how important it is that we understand what is working against you biologically, especially if you&#8217;re to stand a chance at understanding how to break Facebook addiction, and actually get off the drug &#8211; I mean, app.
<h3>Psychological Causes</h3>
So as mentioned, other mental health problems often co-exist with Facebook addiction disorder symptoms, if we were to consider it a disorder. Things like low self-esteem, anxiety, or loneliness can drive compulsive checking because individuals seek ways to ameliorate these. For example, people can use Facebook to create an identity that is enhanced, they get to control the narrative about themselves to some degree and create a persona that they want to be, rather than feel they are. Indeed, getting &#8216;likes&#8217; from strangers may seem like it helps in the moment if you&#8217;re someone who experiences feelings of low self-worth or self-criticism. And if you&#8217;re lonely, engaging with people online may also aim to help you feel connected. Sadly, rarely does this kind of engagement do anything more than offer a superficial sense of validation and connection. But, Facebook and similar apps can be used to escape from these real-life problems.
<h3>Social Causes</h3>
We&#8217;ve considered some of the aspects within that can affect a behavioural addiction. Now it&#8217;s important to consider what happens without, that also plays a role. People often feel a kind of peer pressure from others to be on social media platforms. Who hasn&#8217;t felt resentful for being added to yet another WhatsApp group, for example? And social norms make us feel uncomfortable about drawing negative attention to ourselves by opting out. So this can reinforce frequent use. Added to this is the fear of missing out on trends or conversations, although this is an internal issue, it&#8217;s also become external as sometimes people can be excluded if the group feel they are not engaging enough. For some, Facebook may even be the primary mode of communication and so they cannot easily stop using it without being inconvenienced and appearing problematic. These may need to be considered when trying to understand how to stop Facebook addiction.

Causes of Facebook Addiction

<h3>Spending More Time on Facebook Than Intended</h3>
So let&#8217;s consider the ways you might be demonstrating a problem with Facebook. If you&#8217;re logging in and telling yourself it&#8217;s just a &#8220;quick check &#8211; no more than 5 minutes&#8221;, but before you know it, hours have passed, you may be entering problematic territory. It&#8217;s important to understand though, that the odd occasion of this is not necessarily indicative of an issue. However, if you repeatedly break self-imposed time limits in this way, then you may need to learn how to break addiction to Facebook instead because you are likely not feeling very in control of your use, and the knock on effect is that it&#8217;s taking time away from your life. Indeed, if 5 minutes turns to hours, what could, or should you have been doing?
<h3>Using Facebook to Boost Your Mood or Escape Problems</h3>
Do you ever feel stressed and turn to Facebook? Or is it usually sadness that makes you check in? Maybe you&#8217;re just bored and find it helps you occupy yourself. But if you&#8217;re using likes and comments as emotional validation to cheer yourself up, you&#8217;re probably aware that it doesn&#8217;t really work, at least not in a substantial, genuine way. Research shows that people often experience more anxiety, low mood, and low self-esteem after being on social media. It also states that we need to experience moments of boredom because these can result in moments of creativity which can be helpful for our work, or personally. So, try to notice if you use Facebook to cheer yourself up, take relief, or escape boredom.
<h3>Difficulty Staying Off Facebook</h3>
This one is another tell-tale sign that there may be a need to understand how to break Facebook addiction. Yes, if you find yourself reaching for your phone automatically, without even having a conscious thought about it then it&#8217;s likely a habit has formed, to such a degree, you don&#8217;t have to think about it. Consider when you drink a cup of tea or coffee, or when you drive from A to B &#8211; you probably rarely think about putting the cup to your mouth, or about all the aspects of the drive, right? It&#8217;s because you&#8217;ve done them enough so it&#8217;s habituated and automatic. So if you&#8217;re experiencing strong urges to check updates a lot of the time and, or it&#8217;s automated, you may be addicted.
<h3>Facebook Impacts Your Sleep and Relationships</h3>
Sleep and relationships are both very important aspects of our lives that affect us in lots of ways. When things are going well in both of these life areas, we are living more optimally. When, however, they are not, there&#8217;s possibly a cause or few that need to be considered. So, if for you, your sleep is not as good as it once was, or could be, and it&#8217;s because you&#8217;re staying up late scrolling or checking notifications in bed, then you&#8217;re doing something that is detrimental to your health and wellbeing. The same applies if you&#8217;re arguing with loved ones about phone usage. In both cases, if Facebook is the issue, it&#8217;s time to consider what is priority here.
<h3>Chronically Procrastinating Daily Tasks</h3>
A bit of procrastination at times is normal &#8211; we all need to delay tasks or sometimes even obligations &#8211; but, if you find yourself ignoring chores, work, or errands to scroll through Facebook and you&#8217;re justifying your level of screen time by calling it a &#8220;break&#8221;, we may have entered avoidance territory. Indeed if there was such a thing as &#8220;Facebook addiction disorder symptoms,&#8221; procrastination and avoidance would likely be a couple of them. These are key tell-tale signs of a problem because procrastination is usually covering up something else that&#8217;s going on. And if you&#8217;re using Facebook instead of doing the things that you need to, then you&#8217;ve given yourself another way to avoid your life, and maybe addiction is a part of that avoidance equation.
<h3>Avoiding Face-to-Face Interactions</h3>
If you notice that you prefer online engagement over real conversations with people IRL (in real-life) then you&#8217;re displaying social withdrawal in favour of virtual connection. This preference may therefore play a role in your over-dependence on an online social media platform like Facebook but it may also cover up a wider problem for you. By being able to have a kind of social world in this way, you create a world that is somewhat small. Even though you may be in the UK and talking to people as far-flung as Alaska, your social world is limited because you do not connect with people in a way that is important for us. Maybe you&#8217;re socially anxious? It&#8217;s important to reflect and interrogate what&#8217;s happening.
<h3>Feeling Anxious Without Facebook</h3>
Speaking of anxiety, if you notice that your anxious, irritable, or even panicked when you&#8217;re logged out of Facebook or when you don&#8217;t have access to Wi-Fi it may be time to think about what&#8217;s going on as well. For instance, are you feeling like you’re missing something crucial? If the answer&#8217;s yes and you&#8217;re not about to virtually attend your only child&#8217;s graduation, or your therapy session (ahem), then it may be time to learn how to stop Facebook addiction. Why? Because, if not having access to it becomes a catastrophic event in your life, just imagine what that might be saying about your life! It says that there&#8217;s not much of interest happening in it, which indicates neglect &#8211; another indicator of addiction.

Signs and Symptoms of Facebook Addiction

<h3>Always Log Out </h3>
When one is addicted to something it helps to create barriers or friction to the object of addiction. Why? Because one of the problems with addiction is the ease of access to the &#8216;drug&#8217;. So if you have to log-in to Facebook every time you want to &#8220;harmlessly&#8221; scroll or pass some time checking notifications, by logging out, you add a step in the chain which means you can break the autopilot behaviour that has formed. Think about what happens in any kind of rehab, the object of addiction is removed if it is safe to do so. It&#8217;s about inaccessibility.
<h3>Set Specific Time Limits</h3>
Another helpful way how to break Facebook addiction is to restrict the time you allow yourself to use the app. With addiction, we often need some help as, will alone, is not enough. So try using your phone timer &#8211; this will still require some will though. If however, you&#8217;re not quite there yet, try a time-restriction app or see if you can use your phone&#8217;s built in features to restrict your time on the app. You can also do this on desktop PCs if you&#8217;re using the web version. This also helps you make the most of your time online.
<h3>Install a Social Media Blocker</h3>
The fact that there are tools like Freedom, or Cold Turkey to help us block access to social media is quite telling in itself. It reveals how these apps are geared to keep us hooked and how problematic they have become for many. So, if you want to restrict your time on social media during work hours for example, then these kinds of apps can help you. Their names are also quite revealing too&#8230;.freedom, yes, that&#8217;s right, reclaim yours now so you can live your real life in the real world. But, if you don&#8217;t like your real world, address it, don&#8217;t avoid it.
<h3>Turn Off All App Notifications</h3>
Aside from notifying you constantly or intermittently of what Jane had for lunch, and where Amrit went for his work-do, you will also learn how to spend less time on Facebook. How? Because by removing notifications, you stop dopamine-triggering alerts which means you help reduce reactivity to said notifications. This way, you can focus on your own life and take some of those feel-good, mood-regulating hormones by actually partaking in your real world. Some oxytocin here, some endorphins there&#8230;.these will alert you in the right way.
<h3>Block the Newsfeed</h3>
Did you know that you could actually block the &#8220;newsfeed&#8221;? And why do I use quotations? Well, is seeing yet another filtered pouty pic of your bestie, news? Or Martin&#8217;s cat from a slightly different angle (okay&#8230;I&#8217;d want to see that, but still, not news). Do you really need to know where your pals are going in a few weeks time? If so, you can have a conversation, right? And if they don&#8217;t want to tell you that way, then why do you need it broadcast to you? You don&#8217;t! (Yay!). Look into extensions like News Feed Eradicator to remove endless scrolling temptation!
<h3>Uninstall the App</h3>
So remember when I said we need to create barriers? Well, this is taking logging out that step further. If you don&#8217;t like the idea of logging out and having to login each time, or if you&#8217;re finding that one doesn&#8217;t work so well because the barrier is closer to being a thin rope, than an electric fence, then maybe you need to bring out the big guns. Okay, I&#8217;m jumping ahead. These are the little guns, but guns, nonetheless. My clients have found that uninstalling the app can help reduce instant access and unconscious opening of the app.
<h3>Deactivate Your Account</h3>
Another way how to stop Facebook addiction is to bring out the medium guns, this means going further than uninstalling, it means first deactivating your account. This allows a break without permanent deletion. If you have the courage, well done! But I also want you to try and notice how it feels for you when you do this. Are you feeling dread or apprehension? Relief? All of these? Whatever it is, it&#8217;s telling you something about your use of Facebook, as well as your decision to unplug from the matrix and live your real life.
<h3>Delete Your Account</h3>
Okay, so now the big guns. Full removal for a fresh start, or if addiction is severe. Yes, if you&#8217;re thinking you&#8217;ve tried deactivating your account, only to reactivate it, or you notice that by deactivating it, your life has improved in ways you hadn&#8217;t considered, then maybe it&#8217;s time to polish the RPG. Okay, I&#8217;ll stop with the weapon references now. But, in all seriousness, well done for recognising something important. But, if you&#8217;re not quite there yet, try to understand what&#8217;s holding you back from clicking that button&#8230;
<h3>Label Your Triggers</h3>
The reason I ask you to think about how certain actions, or even the thought of them, affect how you feel is because it may help you understand your triggers . For instance, let&#8217;s say the idea of uninstalling the app gives you anxiety. Reflecting on the anxiety may tell you that you&#8217;re afraid of missing out, that you&#8217;re worried you&#8217;ll be perceived negatively, or that you use it to avoid what really makes you sad or anxious. Identifying emotional or situational reasons for use can help you learn how to break Facebook addiction.
<h3>Commit to a Digital Detox</h3>
You may have tried some of the above, or maybe you&#8217;re not willing to. But it&#8217;s not about all or nothing &#8211; there&#8217;s always a middle ground if we look hard enough. Maybe all you need is a detox from time to time. I had a client who felt that Instagram affected his obsessive and compulsive tendencies, leading to anxiety. So, he&#8217;d delete the app, only to reinstall it days, or weeks later. So we decided to plan phone-free days to help him feel accomplished, rather than a failure, which only demotivated him more. Gradually, the detox got longer. But to begin, you can detox for hours, or days each week.
<h3>Distract Yourself</h3>
When it comes to an addiction, we are pitted against the fixation that occurs with the desired drug, be it an actual drug, or a behavioural drug such as a chemical hit of dopamine. Distractions can therefore be helpful during the earlier phase of sobriety, you might replace scrolling with a hobby, walk, or mindful task, something that can feel good in other ways, releasing other mood regulating chemicals and offering a sense of accomplishment. Over time, the urge will lessen, as long as you&#8217;re willing to go the distance.
<h3>Have an Accountability Partner</h3>
This one is very helpful when you want to learn how to spend less time on Facebook. Why? Because when we share our goals with someone, they can help us stay on track. You can ask them to check in with you from time to time, or talk to them when you&#8217;re having problems abstaining. They may be able to help distract you, or help you think about things through discussion. It&#8217;s important that the person you choose is someone who has your interests at heart, and genuinly supports your goals.

How to Stop Facebook Addiction

There are a number of things you can experience when you&#8217;re trying to abstain from this benign and pervasive addiction. You may experience symptoms like anxiety, restlessness, and irritability in the first few days. During this time, you&#8217;ll likely have strong urges around wanting to check notifications or status updates. You may also feel bored or a sense of emptiness because you don&#8217;t have the constant stimulation. Because of things like this and a potentially disturbed sleep pattern, it may take time for sleep to improve and stabilise. But it&#8217;s important to understand that patience is key. Things have to get worse to get better. So, give yourself time and compassion, and the biological and psychological discomfort should fade, especially if you are consistent and have support. This is how to stop a Facebook addiction so if you&#8217;re willing to invest in yourself, then it&#8217;s only a matter of time before you turn that corner.

What Are the Withdrawal Symptoms of Facebook Addiction?

If Facebook use disrupts daily functioning or mental health and you&#8217;ve tried all of the above but still repeatedly lapse, it&#8217;s important to recognise that you have tried. This shows courage and tenacity. However, if your addiction relates to something deeper, like depression, anxiety, or loneliness, you may benefit from the support of a therapist. We therapists can help you uncover the emotional roots that underlie your addiction. We can also co-create behavioural plans with you and troubleshoot the bumps in the road to recovery. One of the ways we may do this is by using cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT), either in isolation or integrated with another approach like psychodynamic therapy. For some, digital detox coaching can be effective. This is a form of life or wellbeing coaching that focuses specifically on helping to create healthier relationships with digital devices and platforms and can help you learn how to break addiction to Facebook.

When to Get Professional Help?

So we&#8217;ve answered the question: What is Facebook addiction? We&#8217;ve looked at the causes of Facebook addiction, and cannot deny that Facebook addiction is real and increasingly common. Hopefully, you realise that you don’t have to quit cold turkey because small changes add up. It&#8217;s about setting boundaries and replacing habits &#8211; these are key. It&#8217;s also important to understand and know your triggers, and don’t be afraid to seek help. Regaining control over your attention can restore peace, productivity, and connection within and without. It can restore your inner world&#8217;s balance which can ripple out into your lifeworld; bringing a sense of internal restoration by helping you move from chaos to harmony; And external fulfilment by moving from stagnation in life, toward purpose.

A computer screen shows a person looking through binoculars with Facebook logos on the lenses, symbolising digital surveillance and obsession. This visual represents the constant pull of social media and the need to break free from Facebook addiction.

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Facebook addiction-blog1-medium

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Feinstein, B. A., Hershenberg, R., Bhatia, V., Latack, J. A., Meuwly, N., & Davila, J. (2013). Negative social comparison on Facebook and depressive symptoms: Rumination as a mechanism. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 2(3), 161–170. 

Kuss, D. J., & Griffiths, M. D. (2015). Social networking sites and addiction: Ten lessons learned. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 12(3), 1286–1306. 