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Romeo and Juliet, Helen and Paris, the list goes on, but I won&#8217;t. These are stories of lovers who might have benefited from a class in &#8220;how to stop obsessively thinking about someone&#8221; but that class was overbooked that semester, so go figure. But in all seriousness, we&#8217;ve probably all been there at some point, and to some degree felt out of control with our feelings about someone, vowing to never let it happen again. Because it only feels good when the other person feels the same&#8230;.often it&#8217;s not quite like that. And if you&#8217;re the one feeling distracted and preoccupied, okay, a bit obsessed, then it can feel disempowering. Why? Because it is. And sometimes it&#8217;s not even a romantic prospect but someone who&#8217;s aggrieved us in some way. So how do you take your power back? As the saying goes, they&#8217;re living in your head and they ain&#8217;t paying rent, so it&#8217;s time to evict them. This article will tell you how to serve that section 21 and learn how to get someone off your mind.

Introduction

So how do you stop thinking about someone? Indeed it&#8217;s a complex issue that requires articles and whole books on it. It also lands many people in therapy. But with some effort it is possible. First, let&#8217;s discuss why it&#8217;s so hard. Attraction is one reason and it&#8217;s not necessarily a bad thing because it&#8217;s quite normal during the early stages of a romantic relationship. It only becomes problematic when it starts to take over. For example, if you&#8217;re phone watching to see if they&#8217;ve read or replied to the message you sent just ten minutes ago or, if you can&#8217;t focus on your work because your mind keeps wandering with thoughts about them (good or bad).
Another reason why it happens relates to attachment. If you notice a tendency to become obsessive with partners, and even friends or co-workers, this might relate to your Internal Working Model (IWM), a concept coined by Attachment theorist John Bowlby. Your IWM is a blueprint that is made from your earliest relationships and which will guide how to behave in relationships.
Sometimes mental health problems like anxiety, low self esteem, loneliness, and obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) can also play a role. Similarly, personality disorders like borderline personality disorder (BPD), dependent personality disorder, obsessive compulsive personality disorder (OCPD), or narcissistic personality disorder can predispose someone to these kinds of interpersonal problems

Why Is It Hard to Get Someone Off Your Mind

When you&#8217;re thinking about how to get someone off your mind, you&#8217;re probably wondering how long it takes, especially when you and others around you start to worry it&#8217;s been too long. But there&#8217;s no definitive answer to this. It depends on how close you felt to the person, how attached you were and likely still are, and not necessarily how long you knew them. The deeper the connection, the longer it will take but this does not mean you&#8217;ve been sentenced to a passive limbo state. It&#8217;s important to be proactive. Start by asking yourself some questions, for example: how to get someone off my mind, and how to stop obsessive thinking about someone? These are the starting point of your journey. They will carry you to the next step which is learning the how, and next, doing it. The reason this is so important is because the how long question is directly impacted by your thought process. If you&#8217;re thinking about the person, imagining conversations, reliving memories, you&#8217;re still stuck. This extends your sentence. But, if instead, you&#8217;ve realised what is going on, and rather than let yourself indulge in this state, you ask the right questions, you can move to the next stage and lessen the sentence.

How Long Does It Takes to Get Someone Out of Your Head?

<h3>Stop Stalking on Social Media</h3>
This is a very modern problem that can keep you stuck with the ghost of someone. So one tip for how to get someone off your mind is to get them off your screen. As the saying goes: out of sight, out of mind. This may sound like a cliché, but clichés exist for a reason &#8211; there&#8217;s truth and wisdom in them. When clients are anxious or depressed and they watch things on social media or the news that make them feel more anxious or low,  I ask them to reduce this, and usually we notice an improvement. If you virtually stalk the object of your ire or affection, you keep them ever-present in your mind and life, so they ain&#8217;t going nowhere. And maybe that&#8217;s why you do it. But it only harms you, as they get on with life, you watch them getting on&#8230;but you&#8217;re just a speck in their rear-view, so it&#8217;s time to move off. This might mean you come off social media for a time if the urge is too strong. Logging each day you&#8217;ve abstained can also make you feel accomplished and motivate you to continue.
<h3>No-Contact Rule</h3>
This one may seem obvious when considering how to take your mind off someone but it&#8217;s astonishing how many people will break this rule. Even when they&#8217;ve broken it before and returned to someone who&#8217;s bad for them, and rinsed and repeated. So when clients ask me: How can I stop thinking about someone? One thing I will always ask them to do is stop contact. This is difficult but it&#8217;s necessary. Think of it like the addiction it is. Our video about addiction explains how we can become addicted to almost anything. Addiction is a chemical and emotional issue and when you get that contact, you feel relieved, safe, and eased to some extent. You also get that hit of dopamine and maybe some oxytocin, the &#8216;love hormone&#8217; as a side. Stop contact and stop feeding your bad habit and over time the withdrawal lessens.
<h3>Get Rid Of Nostalgic Items</h3>
If you want to know how to stop thinking about someone, decline nostalgia. Nostalgia is like an emotional memory that makes us feel warm and wistful. But when you&#8217;re wondering about how to stop fantasising about someone, it&#8217;s important to get rid of any keepsakes, this might even be messages you&#8217;ve exchanged, and while you&#8217;re at it, get rid of those rose-tinted lenses too. If this one feels too difficult, put all the cards, soft toys, and other gifts in a bag and give them to someone to store. Maybe down the line when you&#8217;ve mastered how to take your mind off someone (i.e., the person of interest), you can go through the bag and (responsibly) conduct a therapeutic burning ceremony, or sell or give away any items you deem of monetary value, and recycle the cards. I remember seeing a copy of Final Fantasy XIII in Computer Exchange with the message &#8220;To the best girlfriend ever&#8221; scrawled on the front&#8230;it&#8217;s good to see that said girlfriend decided to make her fantasies final by exchanging the game and maybe one day, a new beau too.
<h3>Stop Trying To Figure Out What’s Going On Inside Their Mind</h3>
Something that is a fruitless task and can feel like a torturous one when you&#8217;re wondering how to get someone off your mind, is when you spend your precious time trying to get in theirs! People can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, and even months and years trying to make sense of the situation by trying to get inside the head of the other person. But all you&#8217;re doing is keeping that person present in your present. That person has likely moved on, and probably thinks of you rarely, if at all, but you&#8217;re not able to let go and are still trying to figure them out so you can understand what happened and why. Therapy might help you here and it&#8217;s understandable, but if you want to learn how to take your mind off someone, you have to realise you can never know another&#8217;s mind, and anything you conclude is your conclusion alone.
<h3>Stop Living In False Hope</h3>
There&#8217;s always a part of us that wants to keep the possibility of reconciliation alive. So when you&#8217;re thinking about ways how to get someone off your mind, there will be a part of you that might resist and fight. This is the internal battle that rages. You want to move on because your rational brain knows the truth &#8211; that it&#8217;s over. But your emotional, relational, attached brain will not so easily want to give up hope, even when you know on some core level, it&#8217;s false. But the falsehood of this wish is like the Siren&#8217;s call, it lulls you as the trap closes in. You aren&#8217;t able to truly let go and move on while you&#8217;re hanging on to this idea. You have one foot in, and the other barely out. You have to walk through the door and close it. Because when one door closes&#8230;
<h3>Respect Yourself</h3>
When clients ask me How to get someone off my mind? One thing that I try to emphasise is the idea of respecting themselves. This is one of those things that is so obvious its obviousness is taken for granted and becomes missed. Family and friends might try to hint at this when they say things like &#8220;you were too good for them&#8221; or &#8220;you deserved better&#8221; but it&#8217;s more than that. It&#8217;s about recounting all the times when you were disrespected, and realising how you allowed that to happen because you weren&#8217;t respecting yourself. Or maybe the person did nothing wrong, maybe you caused the end. If this is true, you have to respect yourself now. You have to bow out with dignity and grace and give them, and yourself space and time to learn, heal, and move forward.
<h3>Learn To Redirect Thoughts </h3>
But what if like Kylie, &#8220;I just can&#8217;t get you out of my head&#8221; is your daily mantra? Well, thoughts are not so easy to control and we can&#8217;t just tell ourselves to stop. So one way you can learn how to stop obsessive thinking about someone is to redirect your thoughts. This can be done in different ways. One way how to stop thinking about someone is with formal mindfulness practice. This means finding a quiet place where you can sit comfortably and focus your mind toward your breath, slowing it down, whilst focusing on different sensations, like the taste in your mouth, the feeling of the chair or ground under you, the sounds you hear, etc. Pick one sense to focus on in turn and spend some time with it as you slow your breath. If you cannot practice formally, you can try informal practice. This is simply noticing the thoughts and consciously moving away from them by first accepting them without judgment and then choosing to let them go.
<h3>Allow Yourself To Feel The Pain</h3>
This one might seem strange because as Freud said, most of us seek pleasure and try to avoid pain. But this isn&#8217;t seeking out pain. This is processing the pain that already exists. A reason why you struggle with how to get someone off your mind is because it&#8217;s painful to lose them. So not thinking about them means you lose them yet again, but by thinking about them, you can hold on &#8211; it&#8217;s a strange logic but logic nonetheless. And in some strange way this appears to minimise the hurt. Why is this? Because you&#8217;re also processing what happened, which helps. Even though some of the other suggestions in this article would seem to contradict this one, they work together. That is, you must give yourself some time to feel the pain&#8230;.this is grief. But grief can become complicated and this is detrimental. Feel, process, but accept and heal.
<h3>Stay Active</h3>
One of the things I emphasise is the mind-body connection. Staying active is important because it helps us release important mood-regulating hormones like endorphins. These offer a natural chemical high and can promote our healing process. Staying active also means the focus is on the body, allowing us to come out of the mind and we can also incorporate mindfulness, especially if running in the outdoors (recommended, on grass not concrete!). Plus, you&#8217;ll feel accomplished because you&#8217;re taking care of your body as well as your mind. Staying active can also help us to feel strong, as we physically get there, we emotionally do as well. So don&#8217;t rule this one out so easily. As with any of the tips, I would also recommend you give each several attempts, because you might not feel the benefits, or motivation, right away.
<h3>Practice Mindfulness</h3>
Mindfulness has already been touched on but it should be emphasised when we&#8217;re asking how do you get someone off your mind. Why? Because the ancient Buddhist teachings of mindfulness teach us to be present. Buddhists use mindfulness meditation to do three important things: to know one&#8217;s mind, to train it, and to free it. When we are worrying about how to stop obsessive thinking about someone, our mind is like a yapping dog in a cage. We have to throw it a bone here and there so it can relax. Eventually, the yapping becomes quieter and less frequent, until we are free of the stress. It&#8217;s no surprise then, that studies report mindfulness helps manage stress, cope with illness, and improve mood and self-esteem. Many also found it increased the ability to relax, and offered a newfound enthusiasm for life. All great when on the road toward how to stop thinking about a person.
<h3>Express Yourself</h3>
This one might seem counter-intuitive when you want to learn how to get someone off your mind but it&#8217;s an important one. Just as it&#8217;s important to feel the pain you may be carrying about the person you want to evict from your mind, it&#8217;s also important to express how you feel, what you think about them, and what&#8217;s happened. But again, with a caveat; this part of the process should be limited to a degree. Indeed, you know what it&#8217;s like when someone you know fixates on, and talks incessantly about someone. At first, this is okay because you understand they need to do this. But, as time went on, so did they, on, and on, and on. It&#8217;s important to be compassionate toward yourself and others when this happens but also focus on moving through the stages of the process, so that the person on your mind, isn&#8217;t squatting there forever.
<h3>Enjoy Life </h3>
So how can enjoying life help you learn how to stop fantasising about someone? Because you live in your lifeworld, rather than in your mind. This means starting to do things you once enjoyed but perhaps let slip away. This might need to be forced at first but I assure you, when taken in tandem with some of the others on this list, you&#8217;ll fake it until you make it so at some point it won&#8217;t feel forced. Something I have seen many clients do is dwell on and indulge their sadness because in a strange way, they take comfort in it, it understands. But this is not the answer, it&#8217;s Stockholm Syndrome, you&#8217;ve become attached to your captor, who is actually you. Instead do something you&#8217;ve always wanted to do. Indeed, when we try or learn something new, we gain a multitude of benefits: we create new experiences and opportunities, pick up new skills, socialise, and facilitate mood-regulating rather than stress hormones.
<h3>Keep A Journal </h3>
This one might not be for everyone but many clients report the benefit of keeping a journal even if it&#8217;s not about how to stop thinking about someone all the time. But when the goal is how to get someone off your mind, there are benefits too. When you write in a journal, you can focus on yourself, and reflect on your experience. This ties in with the idea of feeling your emotions and expressing yourself. It offers you a personal place where you can put pen to paper and offload what you carry, process it a bit, and without judgment. You might even learn things about yourself and you can use journaling to log what you&#8217;ve tried to help yourself when it comes to how to stop constantly thinking about someone, and notice what seems to be working, and what you&#8217;re finding less helpful.
<h3>Imagine A Bright Future</h3>
When it comes to how to stop thinking about someone, imagining a bright future is crucial. I&#8217;m in the business of helping people to be rational and realistic, not fantasists so this is not about fantasy or falsehood, or lying to yourself. There&#8217;s something called a &#8216;self-fulfilling prophecy&#8217;. Pessimistic people view situations through a negative lens and make bad things happen &#8211; how do they do this? Well, if I don&#8217;t believe things will improve, I will likely behave in ways that make it true. For example, I will avoid socialising, I might take to substances for relief, and I&#8217;ll sink deeper. But if I believe things will get better, I will act in ways to make it true. I will do the kinds of things recommended here so I can help myself, and create a positive self-fulfilling prophecy, and a brighter future.
<h3>Avoid Substances </h3>
So if, for example, you want to learn how to stop thinking about someone you can&#8217;t have, what do you think drugs, like alcohol, will do?
A: Help you stop thinking about them and lead a productive and successful life, or 
B:  Cause you to ruminate and become more vulnerable to mood and anxiety problems due to the hormone depletion caused by some substances?
Another thing that substances do is keep people stuck, and withdrawn, and eventually affect functioning in the day-to-day, such that getting out of bed and doing one&#8217;s work might seem really hard to do. They pose a risk to life as well. This is because drugs affect us physically and can lead to numerous health problems, but the mental toll could lead to suicidal ideation as one&#8217;s world becomes darker and smaller due to an inability to function and heal. So, when we&#8217;re especially vulnerable, it&#8217;s important to avoid substances that might appear to feel better in the shorter term, but actually lead to a world of pain in the longer term.
<h3>Try To Forgive </h3>
If the reason you struggle with how to not think about someone relates to being wronged by them in some way, it&#8217;s important to come to forgiveness. Many people will stubbornly react to this suggestion with a &#8220;no, never&#8221; but that&#8217;s because they think they&#8217;re doing it for the other person or because they think it means they accept the transgression. It means neither of these. When I recommend forgiveness it&#8217;s first and foremost for the benefit of the wronged person. Nelson Mandela said something like: &#8220;Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die&#8221;. When we hold onto grievances, we chip away at our own ability to be happy. So forgive and put the poison down. This does not mean you&#8217;ve accepted the wrongdoing. It means you&#8217;ve accepted the reality that it happened and chosen not to burden yourself any longer because they don&#8217;t deserve more than they&#8217;ve taken.
<h3>Talk To Friends and Family </h3>
This one may also seem to contradict the intention of how to stop thinking about a person but it&#8217;s not strictly the case. Often just talking to someone about how we feel in situations that trouble us can feel like a weight off. It comes back to the idea of expressing oneself, and feeling and processing. But it&#8217;s important here to not simply use others as a soundboard for indulging in someone you want to learn to let go of. This means the focus might be better placed if it&#8217;s on your feelings about the situation, rather than on the situation itself. Or you might talk about other things to help you come out of your head. This one is important because it keeps you connected to your social network, and socialising is important when you want to practice how to stop thinking about someone all the time.
<h3>Talk To A Therapist </h3>
So sometimes I&#8217;m working with someone in therapy on one particular problem, and their relationship abruptly ends, or they suffer a bereavement. This becomes the focus of the work and they have that space to validate and process their pain, anger, whatever it is. They express themselves. They learn ways to redirect their thoughts and make sense of the loss. They might learn some mindfulness techniques to ease anxiety and panic. And at some point, they might ask: How do you stop thinking about someone? Depending on the reasons for the loss, the answer can vary. Talking to an impartial, skilled, and empathic therapist who can provide a facilitative space to process and heal can help you learn how to live for you and those who are around.

Tips on How to Get Someone Off Your Mind

When you are battling <span data-sheets-value="{&quot;1&quot;:2,&quot;2&quot;:&quot;how to get someone off your mind&quot;}" data-sheets-userformat="{&quot;2&quot;:4291,&quot;3&quot;:{&quot;1&quot;:0},&quot;4&quot;:{&quot;1&quot;:2,&quot;2&quot;:65280},&quot;9&quot;:1,&quot;10&quot;:2,&quot;15&quot;:&quot;Arial&quot;}">how to get someone off your mind, there is no one size fits all solution and as you probably know, it cannot be switched off. But we can help ourselves along the way, and these tips may help you. It is a process but it doesn&#8217;t have to be a long and winding path, it can be made smoother and straighter, so you can get to your destination faster, with fewer challenges, until you&#8217;ve mastered it<span data-sheets-value="{&quot;1&quot;:2,&quot;2&quot;:&quot;how to get someone off your mind&quot;}" data-sheets-userformat="{&quot;2&quot;:4291,&quot;3&quot;:{&quot;1&quot;:0},&quot;4&quot;:{&quot;1&quot;:2,&quot;2&quot;:65280},&quot;9&quot;:1,&quot;10&quot;:2,&quot;15&quot;:&quot;Arial&quot;}"> so you take your power back, evict the unwanted tenant, and live more fully and freely.

Conclusion

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books.

Insight Meditation Center. (n.d.). Mindfulness Meditation as a Buddhist Practice.

National Institutes of Health (NIH) - News in Health. (2012, January). Mindfulness Matters. 

How to Get Someone Off Your Mind

South Korea is familiar with suicide. Despite a global decrease in suicide, the rate of suicide in South Korea has almost doubled in the past 20 years. In 2021 it was the fifth leading cause of death, above traffic accidents, with 26 deaths per 100,000 people.
You might think that this only affects the average population, or those who are financially struggling, but actually, many Korean celebrities take their own lives, sparking concerns about the pressures faced by those in the KPOP (Korean Pop Music) industry, and also actors and models.
Suicide is a serious and complex problem, and the reasons for it will vary from one person to the next. But why is it so prevalent in Korean society? Learning some of the reasons might help us to understand and perhaps even save lives.

South Korea's Suicide Rate

Here are some reasons why Korean celebrities may have chosen to take their lives. Keep in mind, these reasons can impact any of us, no matter what job we do:
<ol>
<li>Pressure and stress: There is very intense pressure on Korean celebrities who experience exhaustion and <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/workplace-stress/">stress</a> due to the demands placed on them. The pressure to constantly maintain a particular image or success level, as well as the pressure from the public (i.e., fans), and the industry as a whole can feel too much.</li>
<li>Mental health problems: The pressure and <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/">stress</a>, alongside other factors, can lead to feelings of <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/anxiety/">anxiety</a>, and depression. There might also be other factors like a &#8220;personality disorder&#8221;, all of which might contribute to suicidal feelings, thoughts, and behaviours.</li>
<li>Cyberbullying and hate: There is such harsh and unrelenting criticism and scrutiny placed on Korean celebrities from anti-fans, the media, and also their fans. Such negative comments and bullying can take a serious toll on <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/male-mental-health/">mental health</a>.</li>
<li>Lack of support: Even though mental health awareness is growing within South Korean culture, there is still much stigma so mental health is not as well understood due to the lack of discussion. This is in part due to the culture&#8217;s strong emphasis on conformity and social cohesion. This makes it difficult for individuals to openly seek support. Stoicism and self-reliance are also valued. This makes it hard for individuals to seek support or even acknowledge they may be struggling. So celebrities, who are expected to be perfect &#8220;idols&#8221; and shining exemplars for South Koreans, and now the world, are likely to feel even less able to seek mental health resources and support.</li>
<li>Lack of social capital: <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/videos/how-to-live-a-long-happy-life/">Relationships are necessary for longevity in life</a>, they help to support and sustain us. Sadly, those in the industry often start as child stars which means they may not experience a typical childhood and therefore are precluded from forming meaningful relationships. It has been reported by some in the industry that they experience a very rigorous training regimen from an early age, with very little opportunity to make friends and socialise with close connections, even if they do exist. Most of their friends or confidantes are other children in the same position.</li>
<li>Prevalence: When we exist in a family that experiences depression, alcoholism, or another condition, we are more at risk of developing a similar condition. This may be in part due to genetics, but also to learned behaviour. The Korean entertainment industry has a very high rate of suicide. It might be said that suicidality has become almost normalised and therefore people become desensitised to the notion. Effectively, it becomes an option.</li>
</ol>
<div style="text-align: center;"><iframe loading="lazy" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/F4G8GtbM2_U??rel=0" width="560" height="315" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen"></iframe></div>

What Makes The KPOP Industry Vulnerable?

On April 20th, 2023, Moon Bin, a South Korean singer, model, actor, and dancer who was also a part of the popular KPOP group ASTRO, was found dead by his manager after he was unable to reach him. His cause of death has not been made public, however, the consensus is that Moon Bin took his own life. He was 25 years old.
Moon Bin has been in the public eye since he was 11 years old. He grew up under public scrutiny, first as an actor, and later advancing to the world of KPOP at age 18. KPOP has since blown up into the world. This would likely have increased workload and pressure, as well as scrutiny under the unforgiving 24-hour social media culture.
This is especially the case in South Korea where social media users have a penetration rate of 88.3% of the population, putting South Korea at number 10 in the world for social media usage. If celebrities like Moon Bin do not look and sound perfect, they face intense backlash, but how can they look and sound perfect when perfection is a myth, especially under their grueling schedules?
In 2019 and 2020 Moon Bin took a sudden break, it is thought this was due to health difficulties, including mental illness (anxiety and perhaps <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/depression/">depression</a>) and exhaustion. Although he was permitted a break to rest and recover, it seems this only addressed a part of the concern as it presented then. Perhaps Moon Bin did not feel able to ask for more time off. This means that there was a short-term solution, but not a long-term one.
It seems Moon Bin got to take a breather but then had to jump right into the same high-pressured environment, which would have undone any recovery and just continued the trajectory toward burnout. This would have placed him at great risk, psychologically, mentally, and emotionally, with fledgling resilience and hopelessness at the unrelenting cycle. It is likely he experienced guilt and shame about his self-perceived inability to remain &#8220;mentally strong&#8221; (as he once put it) even when his body was begging for a break.

Moon Bin Case Example

It&#8217;s important not to speculate too much. Notwithstanding, I hope this article gives us some things to consider when it comes to mental health and support, especially due to the risks to life. There will always be &#8220;what ifs&#8221; after the fact. But for me, the takeaway from Moon Bin&#8217;s tragic end, and other cases of suicide is the importance of talking to someone.
Something a client once said to me always comes to mind at times like this:
&#8220;Don&#8217;t choose a permanent solution for a temporary problem&#8221;
I would add: &#8220;<a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/therapists/rehanna/">Please speak to someone, anyone</a>&#8221;
Rest in Peace Moon Bin.

Takeaway

Kim, J. (2019, August 12). ASTRO's Moonbin to take break due to health concerns. The Korea Times. Retrieved from 

Kim, S. (2020, May 4). ASTRO's Moonbin returns from hiatus. Kpop Herald. Retrieved from 

Lee, M. (2020, January 3). ASTRO's Moonbin to continue hiatus due to health concerns. Kpop Herald. Retrieved from 

Statista. (2021). Suicide in South Korea - statistics & facts. Retrieved April 29, 2023, from 

Statista. (2022). Number of social media users in selected countries as of January 2022 (in millions). Retrieved April 29, 2023, from 

Statista. (2022). Number of social media users worldwide from 2017 to 2025 (in billions). Retrieved April 29, 2023, from 

Why Is Suicide So Prevalent In KPOP? RIP Moon Bin

On this website, you&#8217;ll find pages that discuss what <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/childhood-trauma/">trauma</a> and <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/workplace-stress/">stress</a> are. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a nuanced form of these and is also considered an &#8216;anxiety disorder&#8217;. 
If <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/">PTSD</a> occurs, it relates to the experience of a traumatic event. The traumatic event that causes PTSD can be anything. It could be an experience in the home during childhood. It could be sexual assault. It could be witnessing a car accident. 
Almost anything that is difficult to process can cause PTSD. Two people may experience the same event, yet both may not develop PTSD. Its development depends on various individual factors. 
This article will discuss the symptoms of PTSD in Thomas Shelby (Tommy) from the BBC show The Peaky Blinders, exploring how PTSD is portrayed in the series. This will bring a greater understanding of what a person with PTSD might experience.
Because this is based on a fictitious character and is a case study about PTSD, some creative flair has been taken to emphasise how PTSD can be for some people. This article is solely the opinion of the author.

What Is Post-traumatic Stress Disorder?

Tommy experienced the horrors of serving in WWI. During the war, he will have witnessed bloodshed and death, horrific brutality, and perhaps even had to do things that he felt uncomfortable with.
Tommy lost his mother to suicide, and as the series progresses he lost his brother, wife, aunt Polly, daughter, and others. These losses, on top of what he lost in war, figuratively (parts of himself), and literally (comrades and friends) take their toll. This means &#8220;Complex Trauma&#8221; likely developed, this is when someone is exposed to several invasive and traumatic events that are varied and usually of an interpersonal nature.
Even though the war is over, Tommy will &#8216;relive&#8217; the traumatic events he experienced.

The Traumatic Event

Because of the horrors he experienced, and due to the nature of his day-to-day life, Tommy is often hyperaroused. He feels on edge and often experiences intrusive thoughts, which can come in the form of flashbacks, creating <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/panic-attacks/">panic</a>. This makes him feel out of control. Control is something he values highly, especially due to his difficult start in life.
He hates that he can become easily startled. He also feels frustrated that he&#8217;s unable to sleep. He often has trouble sleeping because he is hyperaroused and even when he falls asleep, he wakes up with terrifying nightmares about what happened to him and what he witnessed. It feels like he is reliving the experience all over again.
So he often wakes up, with a rapid heartbeat, and realises he is sweating and shaking. Physical symptoms like these can occur during waking life too when a person is reminded of the traumatic experience, for Tommy, the battle. 
<div style="text-align: center;"><iframe loading="lazy" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/dfjKjMc39Wo?rel=0" width="560" height="315" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen"></iframe></div>

Physiological Symptoms

Tommy often experiences very negative thoughts about himself. He feels guilty that he survived and others didn&#8217;t, believing he deserved to die and often wishing he had. There appears to be some depression at times, and suicidal ideation, all of which are compounded by one of his coping strategies; <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/blog/from-substance-use-to-mis-use/">substance misuse</a>.
Tommy is ashamed he survived and also that he cannot just &#8220;get on with it and be okay&#8221;. This has left him feeling hopeless and resigned to his misery. Tommy has a lot to handle. His family depends on him, but it&#8217;s difficult for him to focus and make decisions. This further increases his <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/self-esteem/">feelings of failure</a>.
These feelings, alongside insomnia and panic make Tommy irritable, and <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/anger/">angry</a> which can make him reckless and self-destructive.

Emotional Symptoms

Tommy uses work as a distraction. Distraction is a form of avoidance. The more we avoid, the further down the spiral we go. This means issues are not dealt with and are there waiting to be triggered.
Another form of avoidance is Tommy&#8217;s use of <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/videos/types-of-addiction/">alcohol and cigarettes</a>. These help him numb his feelings, and for a (short) time, feel some easement. More on this later&#8230;
Tommy avoids going to certain places and people &#8211; in fact, anything that might trigger a flashback, memory, and panic symptoms. This limits his lifeworld in ways and also maintains the problem. 
Tommy experiences a detached way of being in many of his <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/videos/why-relationships-need-counselling/">relationships</a>. He holds people at a certain distance, sharing only parts of himself and this demonstrates his fragmentation which requires integration. 
Anti-social behaviour: Although this is not strictly caused by Tommy&#8217;s PTSD, it does impact it. Tommy partakes in criminal activities and other forms of anti-social behaviour. His external world is chaotic, unpredictable, violent, stressful, and frightening, mirroring his inner world of flashbacks and nightmares, which relate to the war.

Behavioural Symptoms

Tommy uses <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/blog/from-substance-use-to-mis-use/">alcohol</a> (whisky, neat) and he smokes. Aside from the obvious physical health implications, there exist emotional and psychological impacts as well. But Tommy isn&#8217;t aware that there is a cost to alcohol&#8217;s soporific effect. Even though it helps him feel drowsy and welcomed into the bosom of sleep&#8230;it&#8217;s not restful.
Because alcohol inhibits regular sleep cycles by disrupting the normal pattern of light and deep sleep. People may wake up during the night, which means sleep is interrupted. Each time they wake up, the sleep cycle resets, starting again from light sleep. 
This means they are precluded from deeper sleep which is needed to feel rested. So Tommy wakes up tired, and even more irritable, and this lack of sleep wears down his ability to regulate his mood and emotions, making him feel less resilient and more vulnerable.
Alcohol impacts brain chemistry and therefore neural activity. So even though people like Tommy take alcohol for emotional comfort, this is misguided because it offers only short-term relief. Over time, more alcohol is required to soothe because tolerance has developed. 
And alcohol is a depressant so it slows basic functions, including motor function, affect, speech, reflexes, reactions, and general movement. It also distorts perceptions of immediate surroundings, and people. We are less able to think clearly and make well-informed decisions, based on clear judgments.
Cigarettes can also be a misguided attempt at relieving stress and <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/anxiety/">anxiety</a>. This is because of the chemical nicotine, which is both a depressant and a stimulant. Nicotine causes the release of the hormone epinephrine, creating a stimulant effect on the nervous system. 
People become addicted to the drug because they enjoy the initial feeling it gives them. But anxiety is exacerbated rather than relieved by the stimulant effect, and yet the behaviour is reinforced due to short-term pleasure and addiction.

Substance Misuse 

So life quality suffers because Tommy does not create opportunites for pleasure but perhaps also cannot experience it. This is because Tommy buries and compartmentalises his feelings, which allows him to cope. Alcohol helps him avoid his feelings, as does his obsession with work, another distraction. Day-to-day functioning is impaired in many ways. 
Unfortunately, this strategy provides no long-term solution. Tommy is at a dead-end of loneliness, pain, and misery.

Daily Functioning

It&#8217;s easy to see why people like Tommy, who experience PTSD due to traumatic events might turn to alcohol or drugs. But this increases mental health problems because it exacerbates them and can lead to severe anxiety, panic, <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/depression/">depression</a>, and <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/blog/why-is-suicide-so-prevalent-in-kpop-rip-moon-bin/">suicidal ideation</a> &#8211; as seen with Tommy. It is important instead to seek out a <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/therapists/rehanna/">mental health professional</a> who can offer treatment options for people with PTSD.
Treatments for PTSD include group therapy, or eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (<a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/services/emdr-therapy/">EMDR</a>). These are more well-known options for trauma, however, <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/therapists/rehanna/">other options</a> can work just as well and should also be considered, based on individual needs and goals.

Treating PTSD

Edgewood Health Network. (n.d.). Is Alcohol a Stimulant or a Depressant? Retrieved from 

Ochsner Health. (n.d.). Tobacco-Free Living: The Legacy - Tobacco-Free Resources. Retrieved from 

Reynolds, G. (2022, January 25). Alcohol Disrupts Sleep Regulation. The New York Times. Retrieved from 

PTSD: Case Study of Thomas Shelby

POCD, otherwise known as paedophile-themed <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/obsessive-compulsive-disorders-ocd/">obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)</a> is a relatively recently categorised form of OCD. OCD is a mental health disorder characterised by obsessive unwanted and therefore intrusive thoughts and feelings, and compulsive responses (behaviours), due to those thoughts. Compulsions can take the form of cognitive (thinking) responses, for example, counting or reassuring oneself. Or behavioural ones, which might involve checking, washing, or repeatedly turning a light switch on and off, depending on the fears related to the obsession (for example, safety, contamination, etc). Normally, OCD treatment comprises of <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/services/cbt-birmingham/">cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT)</a>, including exposure and response prevention (ERP). As POCD is a subtype of OCD, CBT and ERP therapy are also treatments for POCD.

What is POCD?

People with OCD and specifically, a person with POCD will often experience an <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/identity-issues/">impact to identity</a> because sufferers do not feel in control and are compelled to act out behaviours in an attempt to feel a sense of control. Ironically however, this very compulsion demonstrates a lack of control, guided by anxiety. When living with POCD, the sufferer experiences an obsessive fear about being a paedophile or becoming one, which is hugely threatening to identity. This is due to the repeated unwanted sexual thoughts about children, which are experienced as incredibly confusing, upsetting, and horrifying.
POCD is possibly the worst type of OCD for sufferers because it is the most horrifying obsession one might imagine.  Paedophiles are detested by society and usually by the sufferer, so the fear of being a paedophile is incredibly intense. Indeed, the worst forms of OCD are combined in POCD, that is, a fear of hurting vulnerable people (Harm-OCD), the fear of being attracted to someone we shouldn’t be (Sexual Orientation-OCD), and a fear of breaking the strictest codes of society (moral scrupulosity).

The Impact 

<ul>
<li>Typical POCD thoughts, images, or sensations involve harming children, and are sexual and feel intrusive in nature</li>
<li>Innocent childhood memories can surface and take a sinister tone. For one client who had recently become a mother for the second time, a common sexual childhood game was recalled, causing her to fear she was a paedophile</li>
<li>Remembering a childhood crush when one was a child themselves can become distorted and feel to the thinker like a suppressed paedophilic memory</li>
<li>Some sufferers’ intrusive paedophilic-themed thoughts do not necessarily mean they fear they are a paedophile, rather, that these thoughts will prevent them from being happy, or gradually even turn them into a paedophile</li>
<li><a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/childhood-trauma/">Victims of childhood sexual abuse</a> can believe they will do the same to a child</li>
<li>Sufferers can misconstrue thoughts about a child’s appearance, for example a child’s perceived beauty or cuteness as being indicative of sexual intentions</li>
<li>Inadvertent physical contact with a child is believed to be intentional and driven by pleasure</li>
<li>Some sufferers begin to obsessively experience false memories (about having harmed a child) which they believe were repressed, causing worry</li>
<li>Any positive thoughts or feelings towards children are feared to be sexual in nature</li>
<li>Worries that noticing adult characteristics in young and developing children, such as the way they are dressed, or body parts indicates paedophilia</li>
<li>Second guessing behaviours and intentions toward their own children, or around children they know, which they never would have before (for example, why did I give him that toy, I must be trying to groom him)</li>
</ul>

What POCD Sufferers Think

<ul>
<li>Sufferers might start to avoid children</li>
<li>Things that remind of children, and therefore trigger thoughts will be avoided (like children’s TV shows)</li>
<li>Being very conscious of how to interact with children and therefore holding them in very deliberate ways, so that the child cannot brush genitalia</li>
<li><a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/relationships-issues/">Intimacy and sex with one’s partner</a> might be avoided due to a fear of paedophilic thoughts</li>
<li>An individual will start to think about all their behaviour around children as being ill-intended and questionable, when previously, the same behaviour would be perfectly acceptable (such as doing or saying something nice to a child they know)</li>
<li>Telling close friends or <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/services/family-therapy-london/">family</a> about paedophilic thoughts so others can reassure them they have paedophilia OCD, rather than are a paedophile, and that their behaviour is not viewed as inappropriate, which means they are not a paedophile</li>
<li>Reassuring oneself about having confessed their thoughts to others, as this means they are not hiding anything</li>
<li>Another form of reassurance is to repeat a behaviour to prove to themselves that no wrong or sexual act took place. For example, interacting with a child more than they normally might, or picking up and putting down a child repeatedly</li>
<li>Obsessively researching about POCD and actual paedophilia to differentiate between the two</li>
<li>Keeping records of where one has been to confirm and reassure that one has not molested a child</li>
<li>Checking if being around children, or having thoughts of them results in arousal in the groin or anywhere else</li>
<li>Imagining and checking for signs of abuse in children when with them</li>
<li>Taking extra precautions around children, like putting trousers on to go to the bathroom at night, rather than passing a child’s room in boxers shorts</li>
</ul>

How POCD Sufferers Behave

Clearly POCD is a highly distressing condition. Do check out <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/blog/paedophilic-obsessive-compulsive-disorder-pocd-ii/">Part II</a> which explores the <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/therapists/rehanna/">help available to sufferers</a>.

Coming Up Next Time....

Hershfield, J. (2015). POCD: What Is Pedophile-Themed Obsessive-Compulsivesorder?. Sheppard Pratt. Retrieved 27 January 2022, from 

Tallis, F. (1996). Understanding obsessions and compulsions (3rd ed.). Sheldon.

Paedophilic Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (POCD) I

Are you someone who has never fallen in love and wondered why can&#8217;t I love? If so, read on. It&#8217;s crucial to know why an inability to love is important to figure out. This understanding might come from the answer to another question: Why don&#8217;t I feel love? The answer to this question connects with the first one. We need to be open to love so that we, too, can receive and feel love. In this article, we&#8217;re going to look at 11 psychological reasons that could help you understand why you&#8217;re unable to love and in turn, experience love. But it&#8217;s also key to understand if the reason you can&#8217;t experience love is normal and then learn how you can overcome your fear around it. Yes &#8211; we need to know what the options are so that we can not only experience love but also fulfilment because as cliché as it sounds, we are social beings, and not only do we learn about ourselves through our <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/videos/why-relationships-need-counselling/">relationships</a> with <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/family-issues/">family</a> members, and friends, but we also develop and grow through them &#8211; if we&#8217;re lucky.

<h3>Fear of Commitment</h3>
This is a commonly known reason for why some <a style="color: #0000ff; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/blog/understand-how-to-communicate-in-relationships/">relationships</a> break down &#8211; &#8220;he had a fear of commitment&#8221; but do we ever ask what this is about? Well, there are various reasons why someone might fear committing to someone but one of the deeper reasons for this is a fear of vulnerability. Some people may have never experienced loving relationships or healthy love and when they meet someone who seems to be offering these, they get scared, they simply do not know what to do with this kind of romantic love. They cannot give it what it demands of them; a deeper level of authenticity and connection. So these people do not experience long-term love, and when the <a style="color: #0000ff; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/blog/an-introduction-to-couples-therapy-part-i/">relationship</a> ends (because of relationship-destructive behaviours and mixed signals), they wonder &#8220;Why am I so hard to love&#8221; and end up reinforcing their belief that they were right not to trust the relationship &#8211; creating an unhelpful relational pattern that keeps them stuck and unhappy.
<h3>Past Relationship Trauma</h3>
Another reason that you might wonder: &#8220;Why am I so hard to love&#8221; is because you&#8217;re simply not ready for a <a style="color: #0000ff; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/services/couples-counselling-birmingham/">relationship</a>. You&#8217;ve been in love or have experienced many failed <a style="color: #0000ff; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/services/divorce-or-uncoupling-therapy/">romantic</a><a style="color: #0000ff; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/services/divorce-or-uncoupling-therapy/"> relationships</a> that have made you set up a fortress around your heart. Your heart is not trusting and open to potential partners because you&#8217;ve had it broken one too many times. This guardedness serves a very valid function for you, it keeps you safe, but it also means like Rapunzel in her tower, you remain alone and isolated. Even when you do venture out and allow yourself to meet new people you might see red flags where there are pink ones, or none at all. This makes you retreat into your safe world, your tower and remain isolated and alone. So if you&#8217;re wondering why don&#8217;t I feel love, think instead about whether you&#8217;re allowing love in, rather than assuming it&#8217;s because there&#8217;s something wrong with you.
<h3>Childhood Trauma</h3>
Many people have experienced problems in their childhood, and for some children, this can be traumatic. It can help explain why they find it hard to experience healthy relationships because they never really had any or something happened that affected their ability to trust. As children, we need to feel safe to experience healthy connections with our caregivers. As adults this need for safety and sanctuary does not disappear. We might experience some of this with our friends and <a style="color: #0000ff; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/services/family-therapy-london/">family</a>, but we try to create it with our significant other because usually, this is the person we want to be closest to. But, if you experienced <a style="color: #0000ff; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/childhood-trauma/">childhood trauma</a> or (subconsciously) thought: &#8220;I don&#8217;t feel love&#8221; you might also find that as an adult you are unable to find trusting relationships. This may be because you seek the wrong partners and recreate unhelpful dynamics, or it might be because you do not even allow yourself to enter into meaningful relationships. Your childhood trauma has a far-reaching impact for your life.
<h3>Low Self-Worth</h3>
If you&#8217;ve ever had the thought: &#8220;Why am I so hard to love&#8221; you are also revealing something about how you view yourself. This statement assumes that there is a fault in you that makes you unlovable &#8211; it is a blaming question and needs to be questioned. When we believe we&#8217;re unlovable it&#8217;s because we&#8217;ve internalised messages from those around us, whether those were explicit or implicit. For example, if you were often criticised or shamed, your <a style="color: #0000ff; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/self-esteem/">self-esteem</a> would be diminished. Or maybe you weren&#8217;t criticised but you felt ignored and invisible, or unimportant. This is what I meant when I said earlier that we develop through our relationships with others. If those around you, whether they were family, friends, colleagues, or partners, said or did things that made you feel bad about yourself in some way, they may have contributed to this core (subconscious) belief of &#8220;I am unlovable because I don&#8217;t feel love&#8221;. This lack of self-worth will affect you not only in love, but in all interpersonal relationships.
<h3>You Identify as Aromantic</h3>
Now if you have never fallen in love, it could be something else entirely. You may be what is known as aromantic, or &#8220;aro&#8221; as it&#8217;s also known. This describes a person who has little to no romantic attraction to others. This should not be confused with asexual, as some aromantic people can still experience sexual attraction, whereas some do not. Some people feel okay about identifying as and being aromantic as they are not bothered by a lack of romantic relationships because they do not experience a desire for them. However, for some, it can be a cause for concern, but one that they ultimately accept about themselves. But this does not mean that aromantic people do not get married or experience relationships &#8211; they do because companionship may still be important to them. But, if you have wondered: &#8220;Why can&#8217;t I love&#8221; then maybe consider that you may have a different <a style="color: #0000ff; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/services/lgbtq-support/">relationship orientation</a>, especially if you notice something about yourself that seems to be atypical when it comes to traditional relationship norms.
<h3>Mental or Physical Illness Interfering</h3>
Sometimes not being able to fall in love might have to do with opportunity. If you&#8217;re experiencing enduring difficulties with health, whether that&#8217;s <a style="color: #0000ff; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/chronic-physical-health-problems/">physical</a> or mental health problems, you may not be in the best position to find love. This does not mean that you need it any less you may feel the desire for a special someone even more keenly than you did when you were well. But when we are physically unwell, this also impacts our mental wellbeing. We might experience <a style="color: #0000ff; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/blog/5-lies-your-mind-tells-you-when-youre-depressed/">low mood</a>, <a style="color: #0000ff; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/videos/calm-the-chaos-manage-your-anxiety-response-and-take-control/">anxiety</a>, <a style="color: #0000ff; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/stress-worry/">stress</a>, or all of these, and these can compound <a style="color: #0000ff; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/isolation-loneliness/">loneliness</a>. Of course, if you&#8217;re feeling sad and lonely, or <a style="color: #0000ff; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/videos/learn-about-your-anxiety/">anxious</a>, rather than experiencing a <a style="color: #0000ff; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/chronic-fatigue-syndrome/">physical health problem</a>, you&#8217;re likely going to experience these more strongly by the lack of love in your life. This further highlights the importance of social contact and connection and the need for safety in our relationships.
<h3>Fear of Losing Yourself</h3>
You may have made a decision and told yourself: &#8220;I can&#8217;t love&#8221; and you may or may not be okay with this deep down. But, let&#8217;s look at why this might be the case in the first place. Some people have had relationships, or come out of a long-term one that has made them learn about not only what they might want in a <a style="color: #0000ff; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/blog/an-introduction-to-couples-therapy-part-ii-doubts-about-couples-therapy/">relationship</a> if they decide to enter into one again, but also realise what they don&#8217;t want. Indeed, when we&#8217;re with a partner, we can become enmeshed with one another; forming similar routines, eating together, sharing friends and interests, and sometimes feeling restricted in ways, but compromising anyway. Then we sample life without the person, this may bring some very real difficulties but another thing it brings is more freedom and choice. At first, this can make one feel a bit lost and ungrounded. But when this passes, we feel the benefits and this is hard to give up, but can there be a happy medium?
<h3>Fear of Abandonment</h3>
If you&#8217;ve ever experienced abandonment, whether that&#8217;s been in childhood and/or since, you&#8217;ve experienced rejection. Abandonment and rejection form the root fear that most of us have when it comes to relationships. Indeed, we seek safety in our deeper connections, this offers a sense of security and trust and validates our existence in those relationships and at a deeper core level. When, however, we experience being left, hurt, rejected in ways, or <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/issues/abandonment-anxiety/">abandoned</a>, we develop a fear because of how damaging this can be to us. This fear serves to develop a function in future relationships, it creates an internal working model for us, or a blueprint that we can use in future relationships. We learn that to be and stay safe, we must guard against abandonment, and how does one guard against being abandoned? One either does not enter into romantic <a style="color: #0000ff; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/blog/an-introduction-to-couples-therapy-part-ii-doubts-about-couples-therapy/">relationship</a>s, does but does not commit, or self-sabotages and leaves before being left. But all this does is falsely reinforce the deeper question that went unanswered the first time we were hurt: &#8220;Why am I so hard to love?&#8221;
<h3>Expectations Too High</h3>
If you&#8217;ve never fallen in love or have but never managed to sustain a <a style="color: #0000ff; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/blog/an-introduction-to-couples-therapy-part-iii-how-couples-therapy-can-help/">relationship</a> and find yourself asking: &#8220;Why can&#8217;t I love?&#8221; it might be because your expectations are too high. Now this might sound like you&#8217;re being asked to settle, but assuredly, you&#8217;re not. Let me explain; when we grow up on a cocktail of Disney films, Hollywood, Bollywood, and all that jazz, we believe in a perfect partner that will sweep us off our feet and make the kind of grand gestures we see in all of that trite. You might say &#8220;Well, no actually, I don&#8217;t expect all that, just someone to understand/accept me/*insert other requirement here*. You may be right, but your expectations may still be a bit skewed. Indeed, no person in the world will be perfect for you, or exactly what you want or need. It&#8217;s because we&#8217;re all so unique and affected by so much in our worlds, that we simply cannot fit one another. We have to be malleable, and flexible, and this means making compromises, in our requirements first, and then, with our potential partners, as long as the important things like values, can align. Otherwise, we end up with no one.
<h3>You Love Being Single</h3>
This one may follow from not wanting to lose yourself, or perhaps it&#8217;s about wanting to explore yourself. You may enjoy your freedom too much and love your independence. This may be why it&#8217;s not a matter of can&#8217;t fall in love, but rather, why you don&#8217;t allow yourself to. You stop yourself from getting uncomfortably close to potential partners because you enjoy the early phases of a relationship, or you simply avoid them altogether and just date, or do situationships, or the friends with benefits thing. So if you&#8217;re ever asking yourself &#8220;Why can&#8217;t I fall in love?&#8221; you may want to think about how you feel about committed relationships and whether you value your singledom too much. If you do, that&#8217;s of course fine, as long as it is truly the case and not a cover for avoidance of commitment due to a fear of being <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/blog/how-to-respond-to-hurt-in-a-helpful-way/">hurt</a>. If it&#8217;s the latter, you may find the shininess of single life begins to dull over time, but by then it will feel even harder to change.
<h3>Waiting For The Perfect Moment</h3>
Now you may not be asking why you can&#8217;t fall in love, rather, you may wonder &#8220;Why don&#8217;t I feel love&#8221;. This could be for many reasons so you would have to think about this for yourself, but one sure reason might be because you&#8217;re waiting for some perfect moment when the stars align and Jupiter is in Saturn&#8217;s orbit, and the cow flies over the moon. What I mean here is, that you may be focusing on your career, finding the &#8216;one&#8217;, feeling perfectly ready, or some other condition that you&#8217;ve placed on finding love. It is okay to do this if you&#8217;re simply unable to give time to a relationship, but, if it&#8217;s been this way for too long, or if the condition you&#8217;re placing is unrealistic, you&#8217;ve created an obstacle that allows you to avoid finding love, and being loved in the way we all need at some point. There is no perfect moment so you&#8217;re waiting for a time that doesn&#8217;t exist &#8211; what might this do?

Can’t Fall In Love: Psychologic Reasons

If you believe that: &#8220;I don&#8217;t feel love&#8221; you may also wonder if this is normal. The answer is as complex as the question. Indeed, if you&#8217;re not feeling love, this does not mean you&#8217;re not loved, it may be a problem of perception. You are unable to feel love but it is there. For some people, it may be true that no one around them makes them feel loved, in which case, it is normal that they do not feel love. But we have to wonder why there&#8217;s no one to show love. It might be because you&#8217;re very guarded and keep everyone at a safe distance. Indeed, there are many reasons why it might be happening, and why when context is accounted for, we can see the logic in a lack of love &#8211; but this does not mean you&#8217;re unlovable.

Is It Normal To Not Feel Love?

<h3>Talk To A Therapist</h3>
Many of the reasons you may wonder &#8220;Why can&#8217;t I feel love&#8221; are likely to relate to fear, and this is even if on the surface that doesn&#8217;t seem to be the reason. Talking to a <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/therapists/rehanna/">therapist</a> will allow you to explore things more deeply, without judgement, and with safety. If for instance, after reading this, or even before, you know the reason you&#8217;re unable to fall in love, you still have much to learn. For example, what are the deeper reasons for your inability to love or be loved, how did they emerge, what do they teach you about yourself, how do they impact you, and what might change? These are just some of the things you can be helped to explore in <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/videos/understanding-cognitive-behavioral-therapy-cbt/">therapy</a>.
<h3>Practice Opening Up to Others</h3>
If therapy isn&#8217;t an option for you for whatever reason, but you know you&#8217;re guarded when it comes to matters of the heart, you might want to practice opening up. This does not mean that you open up about your deepest and darkest fears to just anybody, it means think about the least threatening thing that you don&#8217;t share, for whatever reason, and start with that, with someone you trust and see what happens. If you feel encouraged, go further, but only if you feel comfortable doing so. The more you do this, the easier it will become, and the more you will do it.
<h3>Build Supportive Friendships</h3>
Another thing that can help us stop feeling and asking things like: &#8220;Why am I so hard to love&#8221; are our friendships. People can often get so preoccupied with finding love that they forget that they can get it in other ways, not just romantically. If you have few friends, or lots but still don&#8217;t feel supported, you may need to consider taking a &#8216;friendship inventory&#8217;. If after this, you notice that your friends bring you down instead of building you up in ways (and this can be subtle), then you have to think of what this is doing for your ability to love yourself. This is important because it impacts what you will accept in a potential partner too.
<h3>Think About What You Might Want in a Relationship</h3>
Now if you&#8217;re worrying because you often think: &#8220;I can&#8217;t love&#8221; you might need to think about the kinds of partners you go for. You might be picking the wrong kinds of people, or finding potential in places where there are a lot of the wrong kinds of people (online dating, anyone?). This is where you have to stop and take a break from the search and ask yourself, either by yourself or with a <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/blog/the-value-of-confronting-self-doubt-as-a-psychotherapist/">therapist</a>, about what you want in a relationship. This may show you that what you seek, and the types you seek it from do not marry up very well (pun intended). Or, it may show you that you&#8217;re being unrealistic in some other ways, and you can reorient yourself before you resume the search. Maybe then, you&#8217;ll be, not luckier in love, but have increased your chances because you&#8217;ve reflected on things and made real adjustments.

I Can’t Feel Love: How To Overcome The Fear

<h3>Take it Slowly</h3>
Ever heard the expression &#8220;fools rush in&#8221;? Well, this is why you want to take it slowly. This is especially true if you notice a tendency to dive head-first into <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/videos/why-relationships-need-counselling/">relationships</a>. This can feel intense for you and your partner, and add pressure. So, ease up on the gas and enjoy the ride.
<h3>Communicate Openly</h3>
If &#8220;I don&#8217;t feel love&#8221; is your mantra then another thing to consider when you do is how you communicate. When you&#8217;re feeling any kind of fear or <a style="color: #0033cc; text-decoration: underline;" href="https://phinitytherapy.com/blog/anxiety-disorders-what-they-are-types-treatment/">anxiety</a> about your partner or their words, or behaviour, be open but be constructive. It might help to sound things out with friends or a therapist first if you find you often feel this way, as communicating fears too often to a new partner can also add pressure and stress.
<h3>Try to Live in the Moment</h3>
This relates to the other tips. When we live in the moment, we&#8217;re present. We aren&#8217;t in the past, and we aren&#8217;t overthinking about the future. We live and love in the now, and this naturally influences the future, usually for the better. Try to treat this relationship like it&#8217;s a new experience, and don&#8217;t mire it with the old, or lose it before it&#8217;s begun.
<h3>Set Boundaries</h3>
Boundaries are important for all of our relationships, so they&#8217;re especially important when it comes to our partners. There will certainly be fewer boundaries but there should always be some. For example, just because you&#8217;re in love, you should not forsake your friends, family, hobbies, or your own needs. Your boundaries are there for a reason, so don&#8217;t lose them and yourself, in the process.

What To Do If You Fall In Love

Bretherton, I. (1999). Updating the “internal working model” construct: Some reflections. Attachment & Human Development, 1(3), 343–357. 

Carvalho, A. C., & Rodrigues, D. L. (2022). Sexuality, Sexual Behavior, and Relationships of Asexual Individuals: Differences Between Aromantic and Romantic Orientation. Archives of Sexual Behavior. 

Can’t Fall in Love? 11 Reasons Why

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The HEALTHIER WAY To Grieve

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