Introduction
You may be surprised to find an article about how to boost your self-esteem as a woman, and this is understandable because low self-esteem is not a gendered phenomenon. It’s a pervasive human experience that impacts women and men. But, this does not mean that it shouldn’t be thought of through the lens of a woman’s experience, because the experience of women is distinct. So it’s important to consider how a woman’s self-esteem holds implications for her life. Women experience different social pressures than men, these affect agency and create unique personal challenges, as well as negative thoughts, all of which impact self-esteem. This article aims to understand the causes of low self-esteem in women and explore practical ways to improve it. Before we do this, we must understand what we’re talking about, so self-esteem is defined. So, if you’re a woman, or you know and love one, read on…
What is Low Self-Esteem in Women?
So what exactly is self-esteem? Self-esteem is thought to be the way our beliefs in our capabilities intersect with our opinion of ourselves, or how much we value ourselves. This may be called self-love or self-worth. When we think about self-esteem in this way, we can see that the things that might affect capability and self-worth for women will be unique to women. So if we’re talking about low self-esteem, we’re essentially talking about negative self-perceptions that lead to feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy.
But why do people ‘have’ low self-esteem? We’re certainly not born with it – we develop it. This happens for different reasons which cause people to experience self-doubt which makes them lack confidence and avoid challenges. This also detrimentally impacts mental health, and can mean we enter into unhealthy relationships. Low self-esteem can also hinder personal or professional growth. So whether it’s the main mental health problem you face, or a symptom attached to another mental health problem, for example, depression, low self-esteem is a pervasive issue that has far reaching consequences.
For women societal expectations are different. Women are expected to fulfil certain roles and behave in ways that are considered ‘feminine’ and ‘chaste,’ or they are judged negatively. They are bombarded with unrealistic beauty standards, and because of the objectification of women, women can feel uncomfortable, pressured, and even threatened in certain contexts. All of these difficult situations and life events affect personal experiences, and internal thoughts that contribute to a woman’s sense of self and her esteem. So it’s important to learn how to improve your self esteem as a woman. The next section discusses the challenges that women face in more detail, and how they impact self-esteem in women.
What Causes Low Self-Esteem in Women?
Social Pressures
The media has always prioritised women’s beauty over their talent. Moreover, the standard of beauty is unrealistic because of the manipulation that images go through before their publication. This makes ‘real women’ feel starkly different to the perceived beauty standards of their time and culture. The problem is, we are contrasting real women with a fabrication of what a woman ‘should’ look like. The gender stereotypes that emerge from this media machine naturally lead to comparison and feelings of inadequacy. This can create pressure and a need to conform to societal ideals because of the impact on self-worth and confidence, making women competitive, not only with their famous counterparts, but all women.
Overthinking
It must be said that self-esteem is thought to have levels, low, healthy, and high. In women, levels of self-esteem are affected by comparison, as touched on, but also by overanalysing past decisions or worrying about others’ opinions. This can lead to self-criticism and indecisiveness. This constant mental chatter reinforces negative beliefs, which lowers self-esteem. So when considering how to build confidence in yourself as a woman, it’s important to notice if you have this kind of internal critic who makes you feel ‘less than’ or ‘not enough.’ Whose voice have you internalised? Who are you carrying around with you that is eroding your sense of self?
Negative Self-Talk
This one follows on from that last point about the inner critic. A really simple way how to improve your self esteem as a woman is to stop constantly criticising yourself, whether about appearance, abilities, or worth. All of this fuels a cycle of low confidence. Now you may be thinking, if it were that simple, I’d have stopped already. That’s a fair point because this internal dialogue can be deeply ingrained and difficult to overcome without intervention. You may be able to do this through positive affirmations, or if you have some positive relationships and influences in your life. But if this isn’t the case, you may wish to get in touch and work on it in therapy.
Career Challenges
Building self-esteem or protecting it is difficult when women experience setbacks at work that relate to gender biases or unequal opportunities. This can lead women to doubt their skills and feel undervalued, impacting their overall confidence and sense of achievement, as well as actual achievement. Women can feel they are not considered based on merit, expertise, and capability. Instead, all of this is missed because they are judged based on their womanhood. This is incredibly demoralising and can make individuals start to doubt their capability and value. For this reason, many women may feel that they have to work twice as hard to be seen for what they bring, which is understandably frustrating.
Past Trauma
Past traumas are a very deeply affecting way for low self-esteem to develop. If you want to know how to boost your self-esteem as a woman and also know that your less-than-healthy self-esteem stems from sub-optimal past experiences, therapy is likely the go-to solution. Why? Because experiencing trauma, such as abuse or neglect, can create deep emotional wounds that affect self-esteem. This difficult history often leads to feelings of unworthiness and a diminished sense of self-worth because we cannot divorce others’ treatment of us, from how we think of ourselves, especially during the younger, formative years. So, if this is a main cause of your low self-esteem, get in touch because you don’t have to tolerate it anymore.
Harmful Partnerships
Another important way how to boost your self confidence as a woman (which relates to self-esteem) is to do with your relationships. If you’re in a toxic or abusive relationship, your self-esteem is likely going to be eroded. This is because with toxic people, come toxic behaviours. You may be experiencing verbal abuse, manipulation, or control, all of which make it nearly impossible for a woman to feel respected, loved, or valued. If you’re at the recieving end of toxic behaviour, just imagine treating another person the way you’re being treated. If you can’t imagine treating someone this way, you have your answer. Maybe you need to have a difficult conversation with the offender, if you think they can change. But if not, it may be time to hit the road.
Lack of Support
This one also links to the previous point, don’t you love how everything seems to connect to self-esteem? It demonstrates how it can be impacted in so many ways. Another way how to improve your self-esteem as a woman is by building a good support network around you. Why? Because supportive relationships help us feel confident and valued, making them crucial for building a healthy sense of self-worth. Conversely, a lack of emotional support from friends, family, or peers can leave women feeling isolated and unworthy. This happens because you’re not experiencing fulfilling relationships, we need this so we can have a mirror reflecting ourselves to us. If we experience discord, we start to internalise it as a reflection of ourselves, especially in moments of vulnerability.
How to Boost Your Self-Esteem as a Woman?
Know Yourself
So now we’ve looked at the ways self-esteem can be impacted, let’s turn to how to boost a woman’s self-esteem. Following on from the last point, again, let’s understand the importance of knowing oneself. You may be evaluating who you are based on others’ opinions of you, and this is normal, we need feedback. But, it may be skewed negatively in favour of the other, and this is when things become messy. So, take some time to understand your values, strengths, and goals. Knowing who you are allows you to build a foundation for confidence, and this will help you build your sense of self-worth. It also means you can learn to resist the unhelpful ‘noise,’ that is, the external pressures that may be undermining your self-esteem. This is not about ignoring external feedback, as we need some kind of gauge, it’s about assessing if your gauge is defective and detrimental.
Care for Yourself
Another helpful way how to improve your self-esteem as a woman is about how you relate to yourself. Often, women are socialised to care for others over themselves. This is true in many cultures and in certain roles that women take, like mother, or in terms of jobs roles that are often disproportionately inhabited by women. For example, psychotherapists, nurses, social workers – the caring professions essentially! There are also roles predominated by women, which are serving roles. For example, waitresses, air stewards, receptionists, and so on. Again, we see how women are socialised to extend care outward. But, by engaging in self-care practices, you can nurture your physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing. So take time for yourself, exercise, focus on balanced nutrition, and rest. These are essential ways that you will cultivate a relationship with yourself that offers care. This develops a positive sense of self as you begin to learn you deserve care too.
Respect Yourself
If we think of the word ‘esteem’ what do we mean? It’s about respect. So how does one respect oneself? You may think “Of course I respect myself” but you may only be doing this in fleeting thought and not in action. So, what may need to change so that you can enforce the thought? One thing that most people need to attend to is setting healthy boundaries. Many of us are guilty of this in certain situations, or with specific people. If you can see this in some or all of your relationships, you may need to learn to stand up for yourself, when necessary. Is it possible that every time you prioritise another person over yourself, you disrespect yourself? If this is the case, remember, that respecting your needs and limits helps establish self-worth and communicates to others how you deserve to be treated. If they are ‘your people’, they will understand.
Accept Yourself
Self-acceptance may be what lies at the heart of healthy self-esteem. If you truly want to understand how to build confidence in yourself as a woman and embed it enough to affect your self-esteem positively, then it’s not about saying you’re perfect, because no one can be. Yes, this means that even those you compare yourself with aren’t perfect. So, since perfection is a fallacy, we can accept our humanity, which is going to be flawed. This is okay because it’s as it has to be this way, and it’s a great thing. Why? Because striving for perfection, if it existed, would be exhausting and boring. So learn to embrace your flaws, imperfections, and idiosyncratic qualities – it’s what makes you uniquely you. Understand and embrace the reality that no one is perfect and that accepting who you are leads to greater self-compassion, confidence, and self-love – all of which will create healthy self-esteem.
Love Yourself
So if we’re talking about how to boost your self confidence as a woman, then it’s not just about self-acceptance, it’s about self-love. This is because one-half of the self-esteem puzzle relates to self-worth, or what some might call self-love. You may roll your eyes at this one but don’t be too hasty! The reason why so many experience low self-esteem at times in our lives is because we did not perceive love from our earliest caregivers. So, naturally the antidote is…you guessed it – love! So, practising self-love need not be something to recoil or cringe at. It’s about treating yourself with kindness, celebrating your achievements, and forgiving yourself for mistakes. This is not a huge amount to ask of yourself, for yourself. You would likely do these things for people you love, so why not show yourself some of that love? By loving yourself you can reinforce a positive self-perception and show others how it’s done!
Start With Small, Achievable Goals
As mentioned before, low self-esteem isn’t something we’re born with, it takes time and the right (or should that be wrong) conditions to develop. So if we’re thinking about how to improve your self esteem as a woman, be realistic. It may have taken years for you to feel the way you do about yourself now. So, too, will it take time for you to undo the harm and build self-esteem. Try not to run before you can walk, otherwise you’ll create another rod for your back to beat yourself up, further harming your self-perception. Instead, be kind and patient and set realistic short-term goals. It’s also important to celebrate your progress as you achieve your goals. These small successes can boost your confidence and motivate you to tackle bigger challenges that relate to your self-esteem. So you may want to start therapy, the gym, or eat better to feel good. Then you can work on setting boundaries with people if this feels harder to do initially.
Encourage Positive Self-Talk
Positive self-talk may sound a bit naff but that could be because you’re thinking about it all wrong. When you try to replace negative thoughts with empowering affirmations, it may help – for a time. The problem with this way of doing positive self-talk is that it’s not built on much substance, it’s like building a house out of paper. It may stand, it may even look nice but as soon as you get the tiniest gust of wind, it’s likely to fall. So what to do? Develop positive self-talk that is based not on positivity for the sake of it, but on reality. This essentially means balanced thoughts that are fair. So you will be reframing the way you speak to yourself by first reframing your views on situations that involve you. Those with low self-esteem often maximise their fears and doubts and negate anything positive about themselves. Including the good in the picture will help build self-esteem over time.
Challenge Negative Beliefs
So on the point of reframing and developing realistic positive self-talk that we can buy into and believe – it would be remiss of me if I didn’t at least give you a pointer on how it’s done, right? An important aspect of reframing is to challenge long-held beliefs which were built on potential misperceptions. I do this with clients all the time. They form ideas about themselves and their identity based on their experiences – all very natural and normal. But, what they forget is that they’re just too close to themselves to be objective. They cannot stand back and see the bigger picture, and form a more balanced view, one that incorporates other information. Challenging beliefs therefore help develop that positive self-identity, and help you to confront limiting beliefs that hold you back. You can replace these with realistic, empowering thoughts to shift your mindset towards positivity and growth.
Get Out of Your Comfort Zone
So in the “How to Improve Your Self-Esteem as a Woman,” book – if there was one, it would say that we need to get out of our comfort zone to grow. This is because low self-esteem or a lack of confidence in important areas of our lives, or areas that relate to identity, will produce limited self-beliefs. These make us afraid to take what we perceive to be risks. But the irony here is by limiting our actions, based on our limiting beliefs, we confirm our self-doubt by not disconfirming the alternative view – that we are capable. So by taking on new challenges and pushing beyond your comfort zone, you will allow yourself to experience success in unfamiliar situations, or experience setbacks which will offer you a learning opportunity for growth. All of this helps to build resilience and a sense of capability.
Build Healthy Relationships
So another important how to improve your self-esteem as a woman tip is to nurture the kinds of relationships that will serve you. This means surrounding yourself with supportive and uplifting people who appreciate you for who you are. We all know that people gravitate toward these kinds of people, and are often repelled by unsupportive people who seem to have a talent for inflicting their negativity onto us. Why is this? Because positive relationships contribute to making us feel good. When we’re around negative people, we can feel drained, hurt, angry, sad, and resentful, to name just some of the more difficult feelings. But, when instead we find the ones who are the glass-half-full types, we feel inspired, supported, encouraged, and all of that good stuff. This can lead to improved self-esteem and emotional wellbeing. So maybe it’s time to do a relationship inventory, who do you think enhances your support network, and who hurts it?
Find Someone to Talk To
Another important way how to improve your self-esteem as a woman is to seek support from a trusted friend, family member, or therapist. This is because we can only go so far by ourselves – this goes for everyone – even therapists, believe it or not. It’s especially true when we’re talking about something as intrinsic to ourselves as our Self. This is because we all have blind spots due to biases and prejudices (conscious and unconscious), and of course that critical self that keeps us on our toes. So when you’re experiencing low self-esteem, it’s even more important to share your thoughts and feelings with others who can help you. This is because others can provide validation, or a different perspective to yours, which will likely be clouded. This is how having people around you who listen and support you can be a great tool for improving your self-esteem. The adage, a problem shared is a problem halved is not just a nice sounding expression.
Conclusion
So now that you’ve come to the end of the article, you should have a good understanding of how to improve your self-esteem as a woman. There are many aspects that women must consider in respect of how self-esteem is impacted, and so, how it must be addressed. By understanding some of the nuanced ways that women’s self-esteem is impacted, and considering the ways to help yourself, you can be the great force you’re capable of being. Remember to be patient and give yourself some grace by starting with small, achievable goals, and encourage positive self-talk by challenging negative self-talk. It’s also important to nurture positivity by ensuring those around you are good for you. All of this will help you to venture out of your comfort zone and prove your worth to yourself so that you can love who you are and help yourself fulfil your potential. And if you need help along the way, which you very understandably might, find someone to talk to, like a supportive friend or family member. If, however, you wish to work psychologically with the issue of low self-esteem, our therapists would be honoured to work beside you on that most enlightening and wonderful of journeys.
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- Branden, N. (1994). The six pillars of self-esteem. Bantam.
- Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Gotham Books.
- Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. William Morrow.