How To Improve Intimacy In A Marriage

Introduction

This article discusses how to improve intimacy in a marriage, but it isn’t restricted to married people, if you want to improve intimacy no matter your relationship status, this article aims to help you out. I enjoy my work with couples and even though it’s helpful to have therapy to understand what the issues are specifically, this article will help you understand some things about intimacy that could help. It will first discuss what intimacy is, why it’s important, the various forms of intimacy, and how to increase it. So, whether it’s your sex life, holding hands, emotional connection, or spending time, don’t lose heart. Buckle up, focus, and learn how to increase intimacy in marriage or romantic relationships. And even though “marriage” will often be referenced, as well as how to increase intimacy with wife or husband, this article applies to any romantic relationship.

What Is Marital Intimacy?

Before we consider how to enhance intimacy in marriage, let’s understand what intimacy is because some people will synonymise intimacy with physical intimacy or sex but this is not all there is to it, and this misconception can be one of the reasons people lose it. Intimacy is a multifaced and complex phenomenon. It is like a prism, with many colours and hues. It involves emotional connection, physical closeness, intellectual sharing, experiential bonding, spiritual intimacy, mutual vulnerability, and of course, the crème de la crème; trust and safety. We will talk about some of these elements later, but all can contribute to a meaningful connection, one that is supportive and therefore, fulfilling. However, it is important to understand that you do not have to experience all of these all of the time to enjoy intimacy. You may experience the forms of intimacy that are important for you and your needs, and therefore still be able to enjoy closeness, connection, and safety. Building emotional intimacy helps you grow closer and experience day to day and long term fulfilment with your significant other. So, let’s understand why it’s important before we look at how to enhance intimacy in marriage.

Why Is Marital Intimacy So Important?

Before we consider further, how to improve intimacy in a marriage, we must know why it’s important. Think of your relationship as a garden. Intimacy is the thing that will nurture the garden and help it flourish and thrive. Each aspect that follows is like a different flora or fauna that enriches the garden. For example, intimacy is important because it strengthens emotional bonds so partners feel understood, valued, and loved. This encourages open and honest communication, allowing partners to effectively state needs, desires, and concerns. Intimacy also fosters something we all need, that someone we can feel safe enough with, to be vulnerable. This offers a sense of security within the relationship. Imagine if the garden felt unsafe, we couldn’t enjoy it, right? Interestingly and understandably too, a healthy (that is, intimate) relationship can help physical health too. It has been shown to reduce stress, lower blood pressure, and improve overall wellbeing. It is no wonder then that higher levels of intimacy link to greater relationship satisfaction, as partners feel more content and fulfilled. This also creates a strong foundation for conflict resolution when problems arise. This kind of relationship also allows us to grow as individuals and together, because as we learn more about ourselves and our partner, we change. Finally, physical intimacy is also important because it helps support a strong physical connection and mutual attraction, both of which are important for a closer, and fuller relationship.

Forms Of Marital Intimacy

Emotional intimacy

So how to build emotional intimacy in marriage is important because this form, or aspect of intimacy involves sharing personal feelings, fears, and hopes. This creates a deep sense of emotional closeness and understanding, something that is necessary in our closest attachments. Why is this? Because this kind of closeness and connection builds the foundation that is necessary for giving and taking emotional support. This is especially important during testing times and if you’ve ever experienced these, you will know that it can strengthen the bond between you and your partner. But this kind of intimacy requires trust, so you are willing to be vulnerable and open. This further builds trust and security within the relationship and is a good way on how to enhance intimacy in marriage.

Intellectual intimacy

Another way on how to increase intimacy with your husband or wife is to consider this overlooked element because it may be important to one or both of you. Intellectual intimacy is all about sharing a part of ourselves that requires stimulation too. For example, it involves engaging in meaningful conversations about values, beliefs, and ideas, this means you connect on a cognitive level. And we’ve all seen those couples who are on their phones, rather than talking to each other, but imagine if you could have stimulating conversations that could help you both better understand each other’s perspectives? This would offer you intellectual growth and also encourage respect for differing viewpoints so you could experience support and further intellectual exploration. So don’t miss this when you consider how to improve intimacy with your husband or wife. Imagine what you might achieve if you can think and grow together!

Sexual intimacy

So now we get to how to improve physical intimacy in marriage, something that can fall by the wayside when life and responsibilities get in the way, and as we progress further into the stages of a relationship. Yes, you’re way past the initial stage, when it was all exciting and butterflies in the garden, or your stomach. You see “the Honeymoon Period” way back in the dust. Now you’re in a state of uncomfortable comfort, things are ticking along. Hmmm. It works…but who wants a relationship that just works? Yes, when it’s about how to improve your intimacy in marriage, it’s not just the emotional bond, but the physical one that needs to be nurtured. Sex, or making love offers mutual satisfaction and pleasure, increasing the overall quality of your relationship. This involves open communication about sexual needs and desires but more on that when we look at how to increase intimacy in marriage more specifically.

Financial Intimacy

Now when you googled how to improve intimacy with your wife or husband, you probably didn’t think you’d read this, but you may simply not have considered it. Some partners will keep money matters separate. But when we think about how money links to power, it’s a bit concerning that we can be open in other ways, but not this one, with the person we’re supposed to want to be with. Why is financial intimacy important? Well, imagine you were able to talk about financial goals openly, you could align and create a shared future vision. This would involve transparency about income, expenses, and financial habits, which would mean you trust one another and may reduce financial stress on your relationship. It also encourages couples to make joint decisions about budgeting, saving, and spending, which means you work as a team and strengthen your partnership, which will transfer to other areas.

Spiritual Intimacy

The spiritual self is such a huge part of the human condition. It’s the part of us we connect with when we’re being at one with ourselves, or connecting with nature. It’s so giving and we need it so profoundly that when we neglect it, we suffer, and when we return to it, we feel restored. So when we are thinking about how to improve intimacy in a marriage we must consider spiritual intimacy. This involves sharing and talking about spiritual beliefs or practices, which can help unity and purpose in the relationship. Also, by engaging in spiritual activities together, things like meditation, prayer, or attending services, we can grow together spiritually, and bond. Of course if we have differing spiritual positions, we can learn to respect one another’s spiritual journey, for deeper understanding and acceptance which is a great way for how to improve intimacy in a marriage.

How To Increase Intimacy In Marriage

Communicate Openly

So if you want to know how to increase intimacy in marriage then you’ll know that communication is going to be a part of the plan. Yes, when it comes to any issue of marriage, whatever the problem is, even if it’s to do with differences in child-rearing, the way these differences are communicated will add to the issue. This is why, no matter the problem, communication will need to be addressed. So, what happens when you communicate openly? You show that you trust your partner. You’re attempting sincerity and giving them something to connect with. Consider this; the therapeutic relationship between a client and therapist is one of the most intimate relationships some clients will ever experience. When I’m with a client, I must use my ‘self’ in the relationship. This means, that rather than erecting a professional façade, something that would create an obstacle, I am authentic within my professional remit. This gives clients someone to connect with. This helps build the therapeutic relationship which the research shows is as important, if not more important for therapy, more than the type of therapy used. This reveals the value of communicating openly for connection, and one way how to improve your intimacy in marriage.

Silence the Electronics

So this one is probably one that has featured for you, and maybe you’ve noticed it and mentioned it to your partner, or maybe you’re both just as bad as each other when it comes to electronics, basically your phone. The reason that this is an important one is because it is such a common and subtle issue, that we may have become desensitised to it, not realising that it actually causes us problems in lots of ways. For example, when you’re on your phone, or thinking about it, you are not present with your partner who may be trying to spend time with you. Also, when you’re no longer on your phone, you probably need a break from all that ‘noise’ that takes up space in your head, whether that’s gaming on your phone, watching videos, or social media. And then there’s how social media can affect mental health and the way this will affect your relationship. So it’s not just the fact that you might be ignoring your partner to some extent, it’s also the version of you that they get that matters. Thus, if you want an easy way how to improve intimacy in a marriage, prioritise your person, not your phone.

Seek Out New Experiences

Sometimes we can feel like we’re in a real rut when it come to our relationship. We can become bored and dissatisfied. We may think this is a reflection on the relationship and its potential when really it’s just a sign that we have dropped the ball. Think about it, when you were dating, you probably thought of fun and interesting things to do together right? Why? Because this is what has to happen for people to enjoy time together, to connect in that time, and to want to spend more time and build the connection. So when we stop doing this, we might misjudge the situation and assume there’s a bigger problem. What might need to happen is quite simple. This is why I ask clients to take turns planning dates, maybe trying something new they can share. Normally (when they do it), they find they’ve had a good fun time, and seem enthusiastic, something that they weren’t feeling so much before. So if you want a fun way on how to increase intimacy with your husband or wife, think of an experience you could try together and see what it does.

Prioritize Quality Time Together

Life is so busy that we can easily neglect one another and find that we need a lesson or two on how to improve emotional connection in our marriage. But, don’t fret because now you can do something about it. Prioritise. Why is this going to teach you how to increase intimacy in marriage? Well, firstly, you’ll actually make time for your partner and you’ll get it. But more than this, by prioritising them, you’re communicating something important. You’re saying to them that they matter enough and therefore are being considered. Think about it, typically, you can expect to get out of anything what you put into it. If you want to excel in your studies, you study optimally. If you want to be promoted at work, you work smart and show your value. This is because you’re prioritising your goals. So, if your goal is to improve your relationship, then you must share quality time and make it a priority in your life. It won’t happen unless you do.

Engage in Religious Practices

This may seems strange but it links to spirituality. So whether you’re religious or spiritual, you can use this aspect of life to build intimacy with your partner. How does it work? If you share a religious belief or spiritual one, you can share religious or spiritual practices. This can help strengthen your beliefs and values, creating a stronger bond and mutual understanding between you. Religious or spiritual activities often involve discussions and reflections on moral and ethical issues, these can boost communication and deepen your emotional connection too. Then there are religious or spiritual communities. These support networks offer emotional and social support that can help you learn how to increase emotional intimacy in marriage. Then there is the idea of forgiveness that many religious and spiritual systems prescribe. This encourages resolution of conflicts, reducing resentment. Also, you get regular quality time together when you attend services. You can also create meaningful experiences and memories for a deeper connection. These things can bring you closer as you support each other’s spiritual journeys and personal development and reduce stress through prayer, meditation, and communal support, which benefits the relationship.

Show Affection

So sometimes this one can be tricky for couples. I’ve had couples where one person (often the wife) wants emotional intimacy, and the other wants physical intimacy. I notice that the wife often welcomes affection, but also doesn’t because she believes it’s his way of initiating sex, which she’s just not interested in because she doesn’t feel emotionally connected to him. So, we have an impasse. Who will extend the olive branch first? You may wonder who should. It’s a tricky one because both types of intimacy are important but if we consider what we’re talking about, we’re judging how to improve physical intimacy in marriage and I would say, the emotional bridge has to be crossed first. Why? Because no one should be expected to partake in physical relations without emotional connection, and affection, if this is what they need. So, if you’re the one that prioritises this and you truly want to know how to increase intimacy in marriage, think about what the other person needs from you to be able to want this kind of intimacy. Physical affection will help, but only if it’s not viewed as a threat or way of initiating sex. Then there are those couples who miss physical affection but feel embarrassed about initiating it, proving it’s been too long since. Therapy can help here.

Practice Empathy and Understanding

Another thing to think about when considering how to build emotional intimacy in marriage is empathy and understanding. This is so obvious when it’s highlighted but so easily overlooked. Think about it, if you want to make an emotional connection, empathy is the currency you need to achieve understanding. Let me explain. When you’re listening to your partner, you’re likely already forming ideas in your mind, or waiting to speak, or you think you have an idea or understanding so you’re not as tuned in. But what you lose is the other’s perspective because you’ve covered it with your own. Instead, try and practice listening to understand. This will allow you to take your partner’s perspective from their perspective. By understanding them, you can empathise with too. This will make them feel heard and understood and they will likely feel closer to you. It may encourage them to do the same for you, due to the appreciation they feel. So if you want to learn how to improve intimacy with your wife or husband, listen, understand, and empathise. We all want to feel heard and understood, if you’re able to create this kind of climate in your relationship, it will bring you closer.

Listen to Your Partner

So this was touched on in the last one, but it’s so important it requires emphasis and deeper understanding. Many people will think they’re good listeners, but it’s quite astounding how bad most people are at this seemingly simple thing. Why might this be? We’re always chattering internally, we have our own thoughts, ideas, projections, and motivations, and any or all of these can get in the way of true listening. So how to improve emotional connection in marriage entails a crash course in listening. The next time your partner speaks to you, I want you to give them conscious attention. Look at them, assess them, and listen to what they say, but also how they say it. Try to think of the content of what they say as secondary and prioritise the feelings they seem to be experiencing as they say it. Listen to understand. Once they stop speaking, ask yourself, how do they seem to be feeling about what they’ve just said. Then reflect this back. It will be interesting to learn if you’re on the right track or not because it will tell you how attuned you are to your partner’s feelings. By paying more attention in this way, the two of you can learn to tune into one another in a deeper way that will be beneficial and appreciated.

Explore Each Other’s Needs

If we wanted to over simplify why couples come to therapy, we might say it’s because they’re not having their needs met. Sometimes this is because they have not explored these needs very well and have simply made judgements about them, based on limited information. Sometimes they may not even know what the needs are which shows a striking level of disconnect. So how to improve physical intimacy in marriage, or consider how to build emotional intimacy in marriage? Show interest in what your partner needs in these areas. If your partner is struggling with the physical aspect of your relationship, you need to know why and what they need to help them feel comfortable. If it’s an emotional disconnect that need repair, again, what is needed by you for them to get closer to connection? You may (rightfully) ask; “Well, what about my needs?!” This is a valid question but it stops you from meeting theirs because you’re prioritising yourself. What if you focus on meeting theirs, and they focus on meeting yours? Then it may become a question of who does so first, but this also tells us there are deeper issues going on. If this stops either of you from acting on this, seek therapy or prepare to remain dissatisfied.

Change up Your Routine

So you’re in your individual therapy session and your asking how to improve intimacy with your wife or husband, and your therapist asks: “well what does your life look like?” As you speak on it, you start to realise that your married life has become…well, stale and it’s started to affect your relationship. Both of you are on the hamster wheel of life, going through the usual motions but going nowhere fast, and frankly, you’re probably feeling a bit bored. This is a key ingredient for disconnect because apathy can start to set in for both people individually and then you’re merely existing together, but not. Or maybe it’s not quite as bad as this – yet – but you are a bit bored and need to inject something. Changing your routine might be just the thing you need, this doesn’t mean re-jigging some things, it means adding something in that offers variation, interest, and excitement even. By finding something to break the usual routine, you will break the cycle of monotony. You may even find it leads to other things, or gives you more to talk about and connect with.

Keep Romance Alive

As we deal with life and its usual monotony, that is, routines, we also become accustomed to our partner. This creates a level of comfort over time and may naturally translate to taking each other for granted. This is not because we do not value one another, rather, it is a natural result of being accustomed to someone over an extended period. Think of your favourite latte, you really enjoyed it as a treat once upon a time, and this lasted a while. But then you noticed that you ordered it out of habit, rather than a desire for it. The novelty in this latte has worn off for your tastebuds, it’s no longer fresh, in fact it’s kind’ve stale. Does this mean you need a different drink altogether, or just a twist? Well, If you want to know how to improve emotional intimacy in marriage, then you have to keep romance alive. So, what does that mean? It’s about whatever you consider romantic. What will make you feel appreciative of your partner? What things did you enjoy about the earlier days? What things do you wish you could do together? What are your love languages? Whatever it is, make it fun and enliven your connection.

Work as a Team

Something I notice when couples lose intimacy is their lack of unity. And they describe this as a part of their experience. Not only might they feel unsupported and isolated, they can even feel as though the other is working against them. So how to increase emotional intimacy in marriage? Well you have to bring back togetherness. This is the first step toward connecting. You can even make mundane things fun again. So, for example, I had a couple who described a difficult interaction when they were building flat-packed furniture together. Something as frustrating as this can be, might be made fun and playful if you refocus your attitude to the task and to each other. So, you want to know how to increase intimacy with your husband or wife? Help them and make them feel good when doing this chore-like activity. You can even make it a game and assign rewards and penalties. The one who loses has to make dinner and you can reward yourselves with a nice drink together afterwards. This sort of thing might be applied to any activity you have to share, just create a joint goal and help each other get there.

Seek Professional Help if Needed

So even though you’re now aware of some ways how to improve intimacy with your husband or wife, you may still need help to get there. This is naturally going to be the case because something like intimacy is complex, and its absence may go deeper, requiring deeper excavation. For example, if you specifically want to know how to improve physical intimacy in marriage, you may not feel comfortable doing this until you can understand and address the issues that have created physical disconnect. Professional help can help you understand the kinds of intimacy you each need, the reasons for the lack, and ways to address the core issues. Week by week, as you work together with your therapist, you can explore things, take understanding, and set intentions and plans. Sometimes, what you try may not work and with a therapist, you can understand and troubleshoot, rather than feel resigned to a self-administered ‘fate’.

Summary

We’ve looked at how to improve emotional intimacy in a marriage, as well as other forms of intimacy. We’ve reviewed the importance of intimacy and ways to increase it. You may have noticed that your relationship is lacking intimacy and wondered how to increase intimacy with your wife or your husband. Or maybe you noticed problems but did not realise until now that they related to intimacy. It’s necessary to understand that intimacy is an important aspect of intimate relationships, and that there are various forms it takes. You shouldn’t feel bad if you seek physical or emotional intimacy, for example. Both are valid.  So, if you know there’s a problem, now you know how to improve intimacy in a marriage. But it’s not easy, so if you’re struggling in your relationship, and recognise you need help, get in touch.