Dating Older Women: Everything You Need To Know

Introduction

It seems in this day and age older women are becoming ever popular on the dating scene. But why is dating a mature woman so appealing? This article will explore why dating as an older woman has become so interesting for women, as well as the changing societal norms and media representations that have reduced stigma; yes, it seems it’s become acceptable to see an older woman with a younger man. Couples are finding this kind of dynamic can be synergistic, with the balance of energy and stability that occurs. But the dynamic also brings unique challenges. For instance, the power balance can be different because older women’s life experience may influence decision-making in the relationship. Also, differing life stages can make goals relating to starting a family, career changes, or retirement planning, quite opposing. And although societal attitudes are shifting, these relationships can still face judgment or stigma. If you’re in such a relationship, you may benefit from therapy to help address challenges like improving communication, addressing social pressures, navigating life stage differences, and building confidence. This article discusses all of this to help you figure things out.

Why Do People Date Older Women?

Emotional Stability And Maturity

One reason that dating as an older woman has become more prevalent is because of the emotional maturity that an older woman might bring to a relationship. Typically speaking, an older woman has experienced more relationship growth and can therefore offer a deeper level of emotional intelligence. This naturally offers more stability in a relationship, with less drama. But aside from the better understanding that an older woman might bring, there is also the better honed communication skills she uses when dealing with conflict or discord. These are highly important aspects in a relationship and its potential.

Confidence And Independence

Dating older women is also appealing because of the confidence and independence they can have. This is because an older lady is may have become more secure in her identity, career, and life goals. This makes older women feel more confident than younger counter-parts. It also facilitates independence because older women can feel more established in their place in the world. This assuredness can be very attractive to younger or equally independent partners who appreciate a strong and secure partner. Yes, when a mature woman dates, she may not be looking to be completed by a partner. This can be a big positive for a relationship.

Life Experience And Wisdom

Dating an older woman can also offer more substance because she has experienced more of life in her years. This may mean for some, dating an older woman is more interesting. They may like that they can have shared experiences, or find that dating older women offers a kind of wisdom that they do not get in people their own age or younger. Dating mature women can also offer their unique perspectives to conversations, making them more enriching because of the wisdom and life experience. This can be appealing to people who are seeking more depth in partners, or a relationship.

Benefits Of Dating A Mature Woman

Emotional Support And Understanding

Dating a mature woman can be good for some people because they notice the understanding and support they experience is different to when they have dated younger women, with older women being perceived as providing a more nurturing environment. Emotional support and understanding might be considered the bedrock of any relationship because they offer a strong foundation to build from. Often, older women will have had a good amount of experience in past relationship and may have raised children. These can help older women develop patient, tolerance, stronger emotional intelligence, and the understanding of these in relationships.

Clear Communication And Assertiveness

Another part of the appeal of dating a mature woman is how this maturity plays into communication. Dating as an older woman is accompanied, for many, with a sense of clarity. Older women are more likely to be aware of themselves and what they want. This clarity is often communicated more openly and freely because older women may feel more secure in themselves and therefore feel able to speak their minds. This kind of open and clear communication reduces misunderstandings which is a big problem in most relationships. If you date older women, it’s very likely you’re aware of this aspect and how beneficial it can be. Shakira’s ex-partner Gerard Piqué indicated that he valued her strong sense of self – they were together for 11 years.

Shared Interests And Meaningful Connections

Dating a mature woman can also be appealing because of shared values. Just ask the president of France, Emmanuel Macron who controversially met his, now partner and First Lady, Brigitte Macron in the early 1990s when he was a student and she was his drama teacher. They married in 2007, and have been together for over 17 years. Emmanuel has spoken about Brigitte’s wisdom and life experience as inspiring to him. He has credited her as a strong intellectual and emotional partner who helped shape his perspective and ambitions. It seems that for him, their age gap of 24 years has not been a hindrance, rather, their shared values and goals took them both a very long way together.

Challenges In Dating Older Women

Overcoming Stereotypes and Stigma

The Macrons are a good case example for the societal judgments faced when dating older women. Aside from their initial dynamic, the 24-year age gap attracted scrutiny. It was a focal point of discussion, with some portraying their relationship as unusual or inappropriate. Their dynamic defied traditional gender norms so they were scrutinised in way that relationships involving older men and younger women, are not. How did they cope? They focused on their connection, with Emmanuel famously saying, “Love took everything in its path and led me to take everything in its path.” Both have shown support for each other, normalising their relationship. They also remained unapologetic, not letting societal judgments define them. Individually, Emmanuel has defended their love and Brigitte has maintained her composure in the face of criticism. They offer a good example of how individuals can face any hurdle, if they are resilient and remain united and steadfast.

Aligning Long-Term Goals

The challenges of dating a mature woman is something Aaron Taylor-Johnson is well aware of. His, now wife, Sam Taylor-Johnson, the filmmaker and visual artist, is 23 years older than the actor. The couple met on the set of the film ‘Nowhere Boy’ in 2008 when Sam was 42 and Aaron was 18. They married four years later. Sam already had two daughters from her previous marriage and was an established filmmaker. Aaron was at the start of his acting career, with significant opportunities ahead. Their differing stages in life led to potential challenges regarding family planning and balancing careers. Sam had established her family life and career, whilst Aaron still had these things ahead of him, expressing a desire for children early in their relationship. Balancing family life alongside careers required significant compromise, which they successfully made.

Generational Differences In Lifestyles

Dating older women and the challenge of generational divides most certainly were experienced by Aaron and Sam Taylor-Johnson. Sam was born in 1967 and, as mentioned was already an established filmmaker and visual artist. On the other hand, Aaron was born in 1990 and was an actor who entered the relationship in his early 20s, whilst still exploring his career and personal identity. Sam was already established in ways, whereas Aaron was just starting out. Sam, being older and more settled may have had more stable routines, whereas Aaron, coming from a younger generation, may have been used to a more spontaneous, high-energy social life. Sam already had experience as a mother before meeting Aaron, whereas Aaron became a parent at a younger age so had to adapt to the parenting role earlier than many in his generation typically do. They demonstrate well, the different paths, in a united journey.

How Therapy Can Help Build Confidence In Age-Gap Relationships

Overcoming Societal Judgment

A lot of what people come to therapy for relates to what I deem a ‘face-value judgement.’ This is when we are told thing explicitly or implicitly by parents, friends, authority figures at school, or work, and society as a whole. We start to internalise subtle messages that become insidiously a part of our inner narrative, and affect our outer world. These are what some may call ‘rules for life,’ as we say in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) speak. Therapy provides a place where we can bring these narratives out, put them on the table, and examine them closely. We can understand if our face-value judgements were premature and perhaps required further thought. I often find there are other considerations that can temper our deeply embedded beliefs, for the better. In this way, therapy can help you to shift your mindset so that you can interrogate with criticality and challenge unhelpful beliefs that limit you.

Boosting Self-Esteem

Many of the negative beliefs we can hold relate to ourselves. We form self-perceptions that are shaped by earlier experiences that came from those face-value judgements, I mentioned before. But what we fail to realise is that those judgements formed when we had a lot less information to go on, and less sophisticated hardware. Yes, some studies report that our brains are not fully formed until up to age 30. This means our ability to judge is not as well developed because judgement is one of the brain’s executive functions. And so we misjudge. We also have very little life experience to incorporate into our judgements. So, children take things to heart, rather than rationalise and see a bigger picture. It’s inevitable we would internalising a lot based on this, so therapy can help build esteem up by helping you take that step back and re-evaluate with more life experience and sophisticated hardware.

Reframing Negative Thoughts

Therapy does this by helping us reframe our misjudged conclusions. We take those face-value judgements and set them to the side, whilst we factor in more data, taking a bigger picture approach to situations rather than a tunnel vision one. One approach that does this well is CBT. Its techniques help people shift their self-doubt and evolve their thinking into positive affirmations. But not for the sake of positivity, rather, because we have more information to go on. However, it should be said that CBT is not the only route to this destination. Other approaches can help people reframe their earlier and deeply embedded negative conclusions about themselves and the world. Think of it as a surgeon extracting with a scalpel – the scalpel is doing the work of your changing mindset.

Using Therapy To Strengthen Communication With An Older Partner

Active Listening and Empathy

Therapy is indispensable for helping people learn how to work together as a unit. If you’re struggling to empathise with your partner, it may be because you’re missing the first and much needed step in the equation; active listening. This does not mean listening as most do, it goes beyond hearing words. Think of it like this. You can read the page of a book and not have a clue about what it says. You read the page, but how can you possible empathise or understand what’s been said if you didn’t actively process the content? The same goes for listening. Therapy can help you learn the rare and invaluable skill of active listening, so you can take deeper understanding in conversations with one another.

Conflict Resolution Skills

When you’re able to listen and be heard yourself, you may as well call it a superpower because it’s so unusual! You have something many couples do not, and with this, you have an incredible advantage when it comes to conflict. How? Because you don’t have the blocks you used to have. By first listening to one another, you can learn to respond rather than react to one another. This means your own agenda will not obstruct your view, which means you will absorb what your partner is trying to get across and learn to handle disagreements constructively. If we return to the book metaphor, and think of it as a book with riddles, or worse still, math problems, we can see that we need to have the information we’re working with to solve the equation, otherwise, the resolution will be way beyond us. Therapy can help you become responsive partners and work together.

Setting Boundaries and Expectations

All relationships should have boundaries. Some couples mistakenly think they should share everything and be everything for one another. This is misguided. We all need space and independence and should have parts of our lives that are carved out for us and others who make up a part of our social capital. This requires security, mutual respect for independence, and space. Therapy can help those who struggle with these learn how feel more secure and also discover the benefits that this approach can have for their relationship. Ironically, we’re talking about creating a secure attachment, and therefore a stronger relationship. Who doesn’t want that?  

Finding Harmony In Life Stage Differences Through Therapy

Exploring Shared Goals and Aspirations

If you’re a mature woman dating a younger person, you’re likely going to be at different points in your life trajectories. This means you may have different aspirations and goals. This can sometimes be problematic, affecting the relationship in surprising ways. This is because it’s not just about the different points of life that you’re in, it’s also about what this can mean. For example, someone younger may have a different view on recreation because of their daily grind. This can affect how they want to spend their spare time, how they want to spend it when with you, and whether your individual preferences can align. Therapy can help you align goals, and also your perspectives on various things. For example, how you spend your recreational time, family dynamics, attitudes towards finances, and so on. This is because therapists will understand the differences in life stages and will be able to help you find points of common understanding.

Managing Power Dynamics

If you date older women, or have done, then you’ll likely be aware that the power dynamics may be different to when you’re dating someone closer to your age. This can go either way and may be the reason you prefer the age-gap. Indeed, some men seek out an older woman for dating because they want a woman who is more secure in herself and has her life sorted out. This is because it can affect how secure she is as a person, and how she will behave in a relationship. Conversely, some date older women because they prefer more traditional gender roles and find younger women may not conform to these. Nonetheless, power dynamics may need to be addressed in therapy if either one of you is feeling imbalances, whether these relate to gender roles, financial aspects, attitudes, or lifestyle differences.

Planning for the Future Together

As a mature woman dating a younger person, you’re likely closer to retirement or maybe retired. You may have children and even grandchildren. Your parents may be elderly or deceased. There are quite a number of life areas that can look quite different to that of a younger person. This makes planning your future together quite important and it will require some deliberate planning. You may need to have discussions around retirement, children, or caregiving, and these may feel difficult if your positions are different on things. Therapy can facilitate these kinds necessary conversations and help you align in ways. This may mean compromise, but, knowing that you’ve achieved some kind of conclusion on these important parts of your future will help you feel more secure.

Healing Past Wounds: How Therapy Supports Emotional Growth

Exploring Shared Goals and Aspirations

If you’re a mature woman dating a younger person, you’re likely going to be at different points in your life trajectories, and this means you’re going to have potentially dissimilar aspirations and goals. This can sometimes be problematic and can affect the relationship in surprising ways. Because it’s not just about the different points of life that you’re at, it’s also about what this can mean. For example, someone younger may have a different view on recreation because of the daily grind they’re in so this can even affect how you spend time together, and if even this can align. Therapy can help you align your goals in some ways, and also your perspectives on other things, like how you spend your recreational time together, family dynamics, attitudes towards finances, and so on. This is because therapists will understand the differences in life stages and will be able to help you find points of common understanding.

Managing Power Dynamics

If you date older women, or have done, then you’ll likely be aware that the power dynamics may be different to when you’re dating someone closer to your age. This can go either way. Some men seek out an older woman for dating because they want a woman who is more secure in herself and has her life sorted out in important ways because this also affects how secure she will be and how she will behave in the relationship. Conversely, some date older women because they prefer more traditional gender roles, whereas younger women may not conform to these. But, power dynamics may need to be addressed in therapy if either one of you is feeling imbalances, whether these relate to financial aspects, attitudes, or lifestyle differences.

Planning for the Future Together

As a mature woman dating a younger person, you’re probably closer to retirement, or may be retired already. You may have children and even grandchildren. Your parents may be elderly or deceased. There are a number of life areas that can look quite different to that of your younger partner. This makes it important to think about your future together because it may be a good idea to do some deliberate planning. You may need to have discussions around retirement, children, or caregiving, and these may feel difficult if your positions are different on things. Therapy can facilitate these kinds necessary conversations and help you come to alignment. This may mean compromise, but, knowing that you’ve achieved some kind of conclusion on these important parts of your future will help you feel more secure. It will also mean these issues do not continue to negatively impact your relationship.

Healing Past Wounds: How Therapy Supports Emotional Growth

Addressing Relationship Baggage

Dating mature women may mean they have more baggage than you do. Either way, there may be things that each of you need to process that relates to your past relationship experiences. Often people do not do this, they carry the baggage of old experiences into new ones, and this can taint the current relationship, if for example, the baggage relates to issues with trust, possessiveness, jealousy, and control. If these kinds of things are put upon a new partner, they can cause relationships to breakdown before they’ve had the chance to build up. You aren’t giving the new person a chance to show you what they’re about. Instead, you’re projecting old wounds onto them. Therapy can help you work through your issues to make sure that this doesn’t happen, so you can protect your relationship.

Building Emotional Safety

If you’re able to give new partners a fair chance, you’ll give the relationship a fighting chance. This will allow you to build a secure and safe dynamic, maybe even for the first time. You may even find that dating mature women requires this kind of approach because they have experienced enough insecure partners that they have become highly averse to jealousy and control (if we stick with the example from the previous section). But it’s much easier said than done. This is where therapy can assist you by teaching couples how to create a secure environment, one in which you both feel safe enough to show your vulnerable sides, and feel validated and accepted when you do. This kind of emotional connection is the foundation of truly successful relationships.

Rebuilding Trust and Openness

Let’s say you’re seeking an older woman for dating because you’ve found that the women your own age are not looking for a committed relationship and you’ve been betrayed one too many times. This is fine, but you will still have experienced some changes from the experience of being cheated on, or feeling uncommitted to. Individual therapy may be just what you need to help you understand things about yourself that relate to insecurity, abandonment, rejection, and low self-worth. This deeper understanding can help you try to shift your unhelpful though processes and suspicious behaviours, and therapeutic techniques can complement.

Therapy As A Tool for Overcoming Societal Pressures

Reframing Negative Beliefs

For example, when a mature woman dates a younger partner she may experience insecurity about the age difference and compare herself negatively against ‘younger models’. Alternatively, a younger partner may feel insecure about their abilities to support financially – these and other examples of negative thoughts are problematic and create additional issues that couples must traverse. Therapy may be able to help couples shift focus away from preoccupations with their own, or perceived external judgments that affect their ability to feel secure in the relationship. This can free up mental headspace so individuals can shift focus toward inner satisfaction about what is actually happening in the relationship. It takes the self-projected pressure off individuals and gives the relationship a chance.

Assertive Boundary-Setting

Boundary setting was briefly touched on earlier but as much as we all may agree that boundaries are necessary and important, it can be difficult to create and enforce the boundaries that we might wish to establish. This may be to do with our own difficulties with boundary setting and how our partner reacts to them. Therapy can help couples become more assertive in their aims. Whether via individual therapy or joint sessions, therapy provides a place to explore strategies for maintaining privacy and independence in your relationship. This can be done in a way that feels acceptable and helpful, rather than forced and resentful. It’s about developing a healthier attitude in relationships, one that demonstrates trust, respect, freedom, acceptance, and safety. Who wouldn’t want to nurture these qualities in their relationship?

Creating a Supportive Environment

Therapy can model a supportive environment for your relationship. For example, dating older woman or younger people (whichever side you fall on), can be met with unwelcome reactions from family and friends – all of whom think it’s perfectly acceptable to offer heir two cents. But, to some degree, this dynamic may still be considered an “unconventional” one. Therapy can help you learn ways to address issues that may be a thorn in the side of your relationship. More than this, it offers you the ability to develop and nurture a supportive relationship, one that can withstand the issues that are placed on you both.

Practical Tips For Successfully Dating Older Women

Show Respect for Their Independence

If you’re dating an older woman or are in a relationship with one, it’s important to be aware of some ‘dos and don’ts.’ These are applicable in all healthy relationships, but they may be especially important when dating older women. Older women will likely have established routines and enjoy their personal space. They may be at a point in life when they’ve realised what they need from their routines and relationships, essentially what makes them happier. This does not mean you should be resigned to being an afterthought, but it may mean that you respect the boundaries, rather than walk through them. This also means you can enjoy your own independence and make the time you share more appreciated by you both.

Be Open and Honest in Communication

When you’re dating as an older woman, you’ve likely developed the skill of calling bull-dung, to put it subtly. You also probably don’t have as much tolerance for it as you once did. So, if you’re the one who wants to date older woman, you should know this. This is why you will be better off being transparent about what you want from the situation, whether you’re just wanting to date and be open, or whether you’re looking for longer term commitment. If you’re open about this basic important information, you won’t need to hide anything you do and be called out on it. Align your expectations and goals and you have no reason to be deceptive, you’re more likely to get what you want when you find the one who aligns with you.

Focus on Shared Values and Interests

So once you’ve established that you’re on the same page in terms of your aims with the situationship, or relationship, you will need to do more to carry things forward. So, another way to be successful when dating an older woman is to find out where you meet on things like hobbies, beliefs, or aspirations. Of course, if you’re just both looking to share some fun times together, aspirations and beliefs may not be as important. But, if you’re wanting something more serious, they will be. So, think about what you want from an older woman, be clear about it, and then find ways to discover where you ‘marry’ on some of this stuff (pun intended). Some of this may entail compromise and being open to one another’s interests.

Address Challenges with Empathy

When you’re with someone who has more life experience, you’re going to need some practical advice for handling conflicts or life stage differences thoughtfully. A sure-fire elixir to many problems is, empathy. It’s the next step in what we discussed before. You start with active listening, and then you respond to the information you’ve taken in. But, active listening does not stop at what someone is saying, it’s how they’re saying it, their tone, and their body language. When you take all of this in, you are going to be much closer to the other’s sentiment, and be more closer to meeting them where they’re at. This is how empathy comes in. You can appreciate the layers and complexity of emotion, and reflect it back. This is relationship gold by the way.

FAQs Section

“What Are the Benefits of Dating Older Women?”

There are many. If you date an older woman, you’re more likely to encounter someone who is more emotionally mature and intelligent, who is more secure in her identity and self, and who has set her life up in ways that make her motivations for being with you fairly different to someone closer to your age. Essentially, it’s likely that she won’t be looking for someone to provide for her, someone with the best job, someone who can be everything she needs. This is because she may have realised that she is everything she needs, and so may be able to appreciate you as a partner in your own right – that’s a lot less pressure, so long as you treat her well of course!

“How Do I Handle Societal Judgment?”

This may be a hang-up of yours that makes you reluctant to even consider dating an older woman, or maybe you are dating an older woman but hiding her away. This is a huge disservice to her, yourself, and the relationship. But of course, hang-ups are not so easy to…erm…hang up. Remember, therapy can help you work through the issues that cause you to feel the need to hide your dating choices. But, it can also offer you practical strategies and ways to help you navigate external opinions by establishing boundaries and managing expectations. If you can do this, you can experience affirmation and great satisfaction in your choice to date who you want to date, unapologetically. Imagine what that could do for the relationship too.

“How Can Therapy Help in Age-Gap Relationships?”

Therapy is a safe place where you can experience non-judgement and acceptance. This environment is the foundation needed to help individuals and couples test out their problems, conflicts, and points of contention – whether these be between the individual and others, or the couple themselves. By bringing issues out into the fertile soil that therapy provides, you can start to toil in the earth of your relationship. You can water the seeds and watch them grow into the fruits of a beautiful and satisfying relationship. This may look like esteem and confidence, improved communication, and closer alignment in ways that matter for your partnership. Therapy can be such an underrated part of the equation, but when you know, you know. So, if your relationship is worth it, commit to therapy and build on it.

Conclusion

So let’s review what you may get out of dating an older woman. You may potentially find someone who is more self-assured, has aspects of life figured out, is more emotionally mature and stable, and who is not necessarily looking for someone to ‘complete’ her. She may take care of you in ways that someone closer in age would not. But with anything good, there are also challenges. An older woman will have established things in her life that work well for her, and she may be loath to lose these. This means she may be more boundaried in ways that she expects you to respect. This assertiveness can be attractive, or a challenge for some. The other challenges may relate to how you, your friends and family, and the greater cultural zeitgeist influence your feelings about dating an older woman. Overall, dating older can be a refreshing experience. And if necessary, therapy can help you strengthen and enjoy a highly satisfying relationship.