How To Deal With Divorce

Introduction

If you’re reading this, you’re probably asking yourself one of the following questions: How do I cope with divorce? How to deal with divorce? How to survive after divorce? So you want to know how do you cope with a divorce? Whichever question it is, it’s essentially a variation of the same thing. You’re here because you want to understand how to cope with separation and divorce, since, for one reason or another, it’s now a part of your life.

Divorce brings uncertainty, and with uncertainty often comes fear. It’s important to start by acknowledging that divorce is a complex and challenging process—one that can involve loss, grief, self-worth struggles, and deep emotional turmoil. It can also create practical stress around the division of assets, legal considerations, and childcare responsibilities. Most of us don’t plan for divorce, but when we’re faced with the possibility of it, we can resist it and remain in an unhappy situation, or face the reality head-on – despite the fears of change and upheaval.

So if you’re wondering how to survive divorce, you’re not alone. In fact, divorce rates remain high, with nearly half of marriages ending in separation. While painful, divorce does not have to define you negatively. This article will help you understand how to cope divorce, rebuild your life, and navigate the emotional and practical aspects of divorce.

Tips for Coping During & After a Divorce

Acknowledge Your Emotions

Understanding the Grief Process

If you’re asking yourself how do I cope with divorce, then one way is to understand you may be experiencing the grief process. This is because we can experience bereavement from almost any type of loss, and divorce is no exception. So if you find yourself in denial about what’s happened, or notice you’re bargaining, or feeling angry or depressed, and not necessarily in any particular order, then it’s important to understand this is a natural response to the loss one experiences after a divorce, even if you’re the one who chose to end things. So how to deal with grief of divorce? It’s about accepting your feelings first, so that you can process them and move toward acceptance of this significant life change. So let’s try to reframe it from something like “how to get over divorce grief,” to something like “how to work through the grief and loss of divorce.”

Allowing Yourself to Feel

The action that follows this new way of thinking about divorce and how to cope is about validating how you feel by letting yourself experience. This means you let yourself process your feelings, rather than suppressing them because you think how to get over divorce grief should look like this. Here’s an analogy to understand the importance of processing one’s inner experience. Imagine you had to sit an exam. You’re given a text book to read. You read the book and then put it on the shelf. This is an example of very suppression and very minimal processing. And guess what? You’ll barely remember anything of use. Alternatively, you could read the book but think about it too, you could grapple with the ideas and maybe experience some discomfort because it’s effortful and time-consuming. This way, you move further, you’re not exactly the same as you were before. You’re more knowledgeable and have a deeper understanding because you engaged with the process.

The Emotional Rollercoaster of Divorce

But you might wonder how do you cope with a divorce when the experience can be such a temperamental one. One moment you’re feeling high and good because you believe it’s the right decision and the next, you’re feeling low and tearful because you miss your ex, or feel lonely, or that you’re a failure. What we’re talking about here is how to overcome divorce trauma, because it’s a big life change and one that can be unpleasant even when we can see the reasons behind the decision. Emotions can be unpredictable and intense at times so if they feel too intense, it can help to distract yourself. This allows you to take a break from the grief process. This strategy is backed by research. But, do notice that we say take a break, not avoid it entirely. Such moments of respite, away from the intensity, can help you move to more level ground.

The Impact of Divorce on Self-Worth

Whether it’s how to deal with marriage separation or how to deal with divorce stress, one thing that can be deeply impacted is one’s sense of self-worth. This is because you might blame yourself for the end of the relationship, whether that’s because you did something to cause the end (like cheating, for example), or whether it’s because you’re staunchly against divorce, no matter what, and think you should have been able to make it work no matter what. There may also be a sense of rejection if you didn’t have control over the decision to divorce. Your self-worth can also be hurt if you’ve experienced a few failed relationships, and feel “old and past it”. Whatever it is, divorce can trigger our deeper insecurities about ourselves. So how do you survive a divorce? One aspect is self-care. This entails rebuilding your self-confidence and self-esteem, after the end of a relationship.

Seek Support

Lean on Family and Friends

Another important aspect if you want to know how to survive after divorce is to not to do it alone. It’s true that loss can be quite isolating by default because it’s a deeply personal experience. But think about it this way, if you saw someone you love suffering, you’d naturally want to let them know that you’re there for them, right? Even if you can’t feel their suffering or take it from them, you can help just by letting them know they are not alone. So, if you have friends or family that you can lean on, don’t dismiss the idea so easily. They may be able to support you emotionally or practically. When we’re struggling with divorce and how to cope, it is even more important to move from isolation and loneliness to a sense of belonging and togetherness. How? By seeking out the ones who can help you.

Seek Professional Help

But, you may wonder, how do I cope with divorce if I don’t have people, or the right kind of people around me? Another option is to seek a professional who can offer you the support you need. As therapists, we attempt to explore and help people work through how they are feeling during tough times. This can help you make sense of things and go from a place of anger, guilt, confusion, and all that’s in between, to a place of clarity and acceptance. Processing loss with a therapist can also help you move forward. It’s not just about how to cope divorce, but also understanding what the process means for you in the present. This can help you learn how to live in a way that grows around your loss. So that, over time, the difficult feelings take up less space, whilst your life expands around them. And for some people, therapy may be the only place they feel they can be open.

Utilise Online Communities and Resources

When it comes to divorce and how to cope, some people may not have people who they can trust, or ones that they feel they can open up to without being judged. They may also be unable to access the support of a professional. If this is true for you, this does not mean you should struggle alone. Many people find solace in the empathy and togetherness they can feel when they use online forums, read blogs, or find online groups that can offer understanding, advice, and perhaps for some, even friendship. But, it’s important to ensure that if you’re seeking support in this way, you use moderated forums or groups, and that the blogs you read come from reputable and responsible sources. This is especially important when we are in some way vulnerable. If you feel uncomfortable or unsure about anyone, or the advice you find on blogs, trust your instincts and get a second opinion if you can.

Prioritize Your Physical and Mental Well-being

Maintaining Physical Health

When considering how to deal with divorce, one thing that most people don’t think about is the importance of looking after their physical health. But this is an oversight. Why? Because as the research is increasingly showing, our physical, mental, and emotional selves are closely intertwined. When we are physically well, we have a more robust and resilient base from which we navigate our other parts within our world. If you’re in a better state physically, you will more easily manage stress and other difficult emotions because you are not affected by physical ill-health as well. I had a client who could not eat when she got divorced because she completely lost her appetite – this was a part of her anxiety response. She remembers how the days blurred into one, and how she felt weak and like she was in a fugue state. We talked about the importance of physical nourishment as a focus. So all she had to do was eat well. She did this and noticed how things just felt that bit easier.

Mental Health Strategies

So, if you’re looking after yourself physically, then you can focus on mental health strategies in a deeper way because you’re not adding to your overall suffering. When it comes to the question of how do I deal with divorce, we can use some practical tools to help. For example, if you’re experiencing anxiety or depression, you can try something like mindfulness to help you refocus your thoughts and attain more of a present focus. This is helpful because anxiety often has a future focus, whereas depression can involve dwelling on the past. Mindfulness can therefore help you to stay with your current experience and work with that. Another way to do this is journaling. Journaling can be a great way for us to explore how we are feeling and also process these feelings to some extent. Furthermore, some people find the offloading aspect of journaling very cathartic.

Dealing With Divorce Trauma

So, how to overcome divorce trauma? You may or may not characterise your experience of divorce as traumatic but let’s understand what we mean by he word ‘trauma.’ This will allow you to understand whether your experience of divorce is traumatic. Trauma is essentially a wound. When we think about ‘head trauma,’ we’re usually talking about a physical blow to the head and the impact of this to the head – the ‘wound’. When we’re talking about mental health though, we are referring to an emotional wound and impact. So, was your experience of divorce emotionally damaging to you in a somewhat enduring way? Did it detrimentally impact you on an emotional or psychological level? Then you may have experienced trauma without realising it. It really depends on how you wish to frame your experience. Nonetheless, if you want to know how to cope after divorce, it’s necessary to process and overcome the emotional toll of divorce-related trauma.

Focus on Self-Care and Personal Growth

Rebuilding Your Identity

Rebuilding your identity is a critical aspect when it comes to how to cope with marriage separation or divorce. Why? Because when we’re coupled up, our identity is intertwined with the other to some extent. This is because our identities are always connected to something or someone. So, when you’re no longer with that person, you may feel like your identity has been affected in quite a fundamental and deep way. You may not even remember who you were before your were with the person you’re no longer with. But this is okay because you are neither that person, or the one you were when married. You’re likely in a place of wanting to figure out who you are again, in your own right, outside of coupledom or marriage. So, this is a time of exploration and discovery. It does not have to be a formal searching, it can be a gradual, implicit awakening. Just be open to it and you will find who you are again.

Establishing a New Routine

An aspect of learning how to cope divorce is the change it will have on your routine. You may find this to be quite a struggle at first. You may even resist establishing a new routine. This can be because of depression, or it can be the cause of it. But, what is helpful to realise is that, regardless of whether you resist or embrace a new routine, you are experiencing a different one to before. So creating one that is structured may help promote stability and give you the focus you need. But establishing a routine can be difficult when we’re suffering emotionally. If this is true for you, ask someone to help you. This may be a friend or family member, or maybe a therapist. I have often worked with clients using a useful technique from cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) called Behavioural Activation. This helps people realise that motivation will not suddenly appear, but that they can create it rather than hopelessly wait for it.

Embracing Opportunities for Growth

Another way to answer the question of how do I deal with divorce? is to be open to opportunities and growth. Your life after divorce will naturally have more space in it. It may feel quite empty and unsettling at first, and you may not know how to ‘be’ with all this space. Some reframing may help you to embrace this change. Instead of wondering how to overcome divorce depression or asking yourself how do you survive a divorce, it might be better to take some action. This means coming from a position that goes something like: ‘How can I develop myself now so I can focus on me and live on my own terms? What things have I always wanted to do but felt too restricted to do?’ By focusing on personal development, and setting yourself some new goals, you will be able to find things that make you feel alive. This is amazing for healing.

If You Have Children

Communicating with Your Children

So it may not just be a question of how do I cope with divorce, but rather, how do we cope with divorce. Children are a major reason that some couples will not divorce. This can be misguided because children can suffer in the longer term when they’re living with two unhappy parents who argue all the time or display passive aggression. Divorce can actually be the lesser evil, but it needs to be managed well. One important aspect of how to cope divorce and help your children through it is to be communicative. This means being appropriately open and honest so that your children are not feeling confused. It’s also helpful because otherwise your children may believe they are to blame in some way. It’s about helping them with their feelings and reassuring them so they can feel safe rather than scared. Children require stability and structure. A divorce can unsettle them physically and emotionally, just as it can for the adults involved. Talk to them to help them make sense of things and feel as secure as possible.

Co-Parenting Tips

How to deal with divorce when children are involved also requires an emotionally mature way of working with your ex-partner so that the children are as minimally affected as is possible. This means loving your children more than you hate each other. I work with clients to help them ‘un-couple’ as amicably as possible. This actually works when both are open to the prospect and trust me, it’s the best prospect you’re going to find. If you and your ex have unresolved resentments, these can affect how you co-parent and will ultimately mean that everyone suffers, especially the children. Therapy can help you come to a more amicable and civil place by working through unresolved issues. This way you can learn to be civil and find a consistent approach to co-parenting. Remember, it’s about the bigger picture. There may be hurts and grievances but they don’t have to control your future negatively.

Supporting Your Children’s Adjustment

Another way how to handle divorce stress is by minimising it in the first place. This relates to how you help your children adjust to the change. To help your children adapt practically and emotionally involves consistency, structure, and as minimal a change as possible. Practically, it might mean ensuring they can keep as many of their routines as they can have so their lives are not too drastically altered in the day to day. Emotionally it’s about being open and communicative, as mentioned. Encourage them to talk about how they feel and empathise with them. Remember, they will be going from a kind of stability – to chaos – because their world is dramatically changing. Help them navigate the chaos so they feel they are on stable footing. And don’t make them the go-between. You have to model civil and collaborative interactions as their parents. This will help them see that this change is not as bad as they may initially feel it to be.

Practical Steps for Moving Forward

Financial Planning Post-Divorce

So now let’s turn to some helpful ways to help understand: How do you cope with a divorce so that it can be as tidy as possible – children or not? When we separate from someone we’re married to, we also have to separate joint assets and finances. This can be a messy process, especially if the divorce is acrimonious. It may feel overwhelming and for some, this aspect of divorce can even be the reason they don’t separate – it feels too daunting. But, there are ways to overcome this hurdle. In fact, as messy and unappealing as the prospect can be, in some respects it may be one of the more straightforward parts of a divorce, depending on whether you’re able to be amicable. You will have to reassess budgets and finances but you don’t have to do this without help. You can seek the guidance of a financial advisor and of course seek legal counsel and mediation.

Co-Parenting Tips (If Applicable)

So you’re wondering how do I deal with divorce if I have children….well, aside from the shift in mindset and the need for you and your ex-partner to prioritise your children, there are some practical ways you can help your children navigate divorce and how to cope. It’s important that your children have a stable set-up in both homes. They should not feel like they’re a guest or visitor, it’s about making them feel settled. It’s also important to make sure you do not expose them to disagreements or discord between you and their other parent. Don’t paint your partner in a bad light. This is a selfish act, because it may feel better for you but will hurt your child’s relationship with their other parent, and it will hurt them deeply. Indeed, if you point our your ex’s flaws, like how they’re a terrible parent, you will likely make your child feel unloved. This is because children tend to internalise any perceived lack of care as unworthiness in them, rather than a fault in the parent.

Legal Considerations

You might delay the legal aspect of how to deal with marriage separation, that is, divorce, because it involves finalising agreements and tying up any lingering legal issues. But when it comes to divorce how to cope, it’s about confronting rather than avoiding. If you’re avoiding this aspect of the process because you’re expecting it to be unfair or contentious, you’re putting your life on hold based on a hypothetical fear. You have to start the conversation. If you are correct in your fear, starting the process will confirm it, but at least you’ve got something to work with and progress. Seek mediation, this may be a therapist, a solicitor, or maybe both. At some point, you will likely come to some kind of agreement, this can then be formalised. It’s understandable that this will feel quite daunting but every mountain is a series of steps. Once we break them down, we can move to the next one.

Letting Go of the Past

What do we mean by letting something go? Well, when it comes to any kind of loss, we aren’t saying that we will forget, or that we will stop feeling the way we feel. We are simply saying that we must move beyond the position we are currently in. This may entail forgiveness which can be extremely difficult because we think it means we are justifying a wrongdoing. But actually, this is misguided. Forgiveness is more for oneself than it is for the other person. When we forgive, we are releasing thoughts and feelings that harm us and keep us stuck in a negative place. Mandela rightly said that resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die. Forgiveness is the antidote to that poison. So if you want to know how to survive after divorce and you’re finding it hard to forgive, see if therapy can help you do this for yourself, so you can reach acceptance, and emotional closure.

Managing Loneliness Post-Divorce

Some people are not so worried about how to cope with divorce stress, but rather, how they manage loneliness post-divorce. This makes sense because when you’re married and together, even if you’re feeling disconnected from your partner, having them around physically can somewhat temper and suppress loneliness. This is because on some level you know they are there if you really need them. But, divorce carries a decree that makes the absence of your ex-partner feel strong. So if you want to know how to deal with marital separation and minimise loneliness, it’s about making sure you don’t isolate yourself. Some people feel like withdrawing when they are trying to figure out how to overcome divorce depression but it’s usually the depression itself that causes the need to withdraw. Ironically, this only heightens depression and loneliness. So make sure you maintain your social connections even if you want to curl up in a ball. If you can’t see people easily, call them, or join a group, go to the gym – just be around people, rather than alone.

How Divorce Impacts Future Relationships

Learning about divorce and how to cope is not just about what happens before and during the divorce process, it’s also about how that can affect your future. This ties in with the point about forgiveness. If you are unable to let go of your ex or what you feel was done to you, you will not be able to disentangle its impact on you and how you are in future relationships. So if you really want to know the answer to the question: “How do I cope with divorce?” It helps to reflect on how the experience has impacted you and what you must do to reduce its negative reach in your life. Therapy can be a great option by helping you work through what’s happened and how it’s affected your view of relationships, but also how you are in them. Doing this work on yourself means you can re-enter the dating world with awareness and clarity, as well as set healthy boundaries and minimise the negative impact of divorce on new relationships.

Looking Forward

So how do I survive a divorce, you ask? You thrive post-divorce! This may sound flippant but it’s not intended to be. Divorce is the end of a chapter in your life. It’s not the end of the book. You can write what happens in the end because you are the author of your story. Why not make sure the protagonist is one who is open to new possibilities and new beginnings? Someone who is not afraid of the unknown, who seeks adventure with a curious spirit! Think about what you have always wanted to do or learn, think about your heros and heroines – how might they inspire you now? Do, and learn! Did you know that some people have divorce parties? Again, this is not said to be facetious about divorce, but there is a reason that people divorce, and sometimes it’s about admitting that marriage just can’t work. The party is a celebration of that realisation, so that you can live more meaningfully, rather than inauthentically. So what will you write in this chapter: How to deal after divorce?

Conclusion

When you started reading this article, you may have asked: How do you cope with a divorce? It is hoped that now you have the beginnings of an answer to this question. Because we have discussed how to deal with divorce by offering some tips on how to cope with divorce during the process, and afterwards. We’ve touched on varying important aspects that should be considered, as well as reviewing how divorce impacts children and how it can be reframed for a more optimistic view on a major life change. Remember that divorce is a common phenomenon. Nearly half of those who marry end up divorcing. This is not said to normalise, but frankly, the facts are the facts, and it IS a normal occurrence. Divorce was once taboo but as societies have become more secular and less judgemental, divorcees are no longer the pariahs they once were. This does not take away from how it impacts you, but we do not have to take a sad view of it. Yes, it’s sad that things didn’t work out, but being brave enough to confront your incompatibilities is not a negative thing. It’s authentic and according to the humanists, it’s how we live consciously, and therefore, well.