How To Deal With Grief

Introduction

Coping with loss is an inevitable part of human experience. When we experience loss, we feel a range of complex emotions that we neatly conceptualise into the term ‘grief’. But the experience of it is anything but neat. It can feel chaotic, complicated, chronic, life-shattering, or alternatively, we can feel numb. But, whatever it feels like, the main point is, is that grief is a natural response to loss. But, interestingly, the gamut of emotions that we term as ‘grief,’ whatever they are for us, can occur from all kinds of things. You see, you may be dealing with grief because of a significant life change, rather than the death of a loved one. So, what’s important to realise when it comes to how to cope with grief, is knowing that grief is a deeply personal experience, and everyone processes it differently. If you or someone you know is coping with grief, don’t judge how you’re coping. Instead, acknowledge that while grief is painful, understanding it can be the first step toward healing. This article will help you explore what grief is, learn the various symptoms, common causes, which type of grief you may be experiencing, and provide tips on how to effectively deal with grief.

What Is Grief?

So before we can discuss how to handle grief, we have to know what it is. Grief is the emotional response to loss and it affects both mental and physical wellbeing. Although grief is universal experience, it is also unique and personal. So, it can vary between people in terms of intensity and duration, sometimes also experienced in stages or waves. As mentioned, when handling grief, it’s important to understand that someone may be suffering with it for several reasons. For example, you may experience grief after major life changes, like a breakup, or job loss, or illness. So when we’re talking about dealing with loss, it may not relate to a death, but the feelings can be the same. You may still experience feelings of shock, sadness, and eventual acceptance. So this article is about any kind of loss, because it is about the impact of loss, that is, grief.

Symptoms Of Grief

Emotional Symptoms of Grief

Shock: Coping with loss is a gradual process because often shock is the initial reaction and this can numb emotions. Even if the loss is expected, the reality of the loss still needs to be processed, it’s the difference between thinking about an idea and living with the reality. This can make it hard to accept the reality of the loss.

Sadness: This can feel overwhelming. A loss can initiate deep feelings of sorrow or emptiness which can last for a while. So when we are trying to understand how to deal with grief, it is important to acknowledge that although sadness is a natural and normal part of the grieving landscape, it may not present itself in an overt way for some.

Guilt: Survivors may feel guilt over things left unsaid or undone, or simply for surviving. Therefore guilt is often a normal aspect of dealing with grief and may need to be worked through for fuller healing. So if you’re finding that you’re struggling with handling grief, consider if guilt forms a part of your process because it could be keeping you stuck.

Fear: So how to cope with grief if it triggers anxiety about the future? This can often happen and when it does, it can feel scary, causing insecurities about life, beyond the loss. This makes dealing with loss even more complicated because you don’t know how to move forward and may feel immobilised. This is normal when a loss occurs.

Physical Symptoms of Grief

Insomnia: Dealing with grief is made all the more trickier when you’re struggling to fall asleep or cannot stay asleep. Sleep disruption is a common symptom when people experience grief and can make dealing with loss even harder. This is because of how important sleep is to functioning when we add grief into the mix, the healing process is further complicated.

Fatigue: Aside from insomnia making one feel exhausted, grief itself is draining. It zaps emotional and physical energy, leading to extreme tiredness, even without physical exertion. This makes coping with grief harder because fatigue means we are functioning in a sub-optimal state, we do not have the extra resources to help us manage at a time when we need them the most.

Weight Loss: Coping with grief can also affect appetite. Grieving individuals may not feel hungry, or may enter a state in which they neglect themselves, and this can be for a variety of complex reasons that relate to the loss. When this neglect affects appetite, it can lead to unintentional weight loss and add to fatigue and a sense of feeling weak.

Lowered Immunity: As you’ve learned, either through reading this or experiencing it yourself, handling grief is a stressful life event. The burden on the body can also extend to the immune system which is weakened during times of high stress. This can make coping with loss even more difficult because people become more susceptible to illnesses.

Nausea: We all experience stress and anxiety in different ways, for some, dealing with loss can manifest physically as nausea, upset stomach, or other digestive issues due to intense emotional stress. This makes coping with grief unpleasant in a different way. But, it highlights the mind-body connection, and how even coping with loss can initiate unexpected symptoms.

Common Causes Of Grief

Losing a Job

Many people might not have linked job loss as a cause when considering how to deal with grief but it can lead to grief because of what a job can mean for a person. For example, it can be a part of one’s identity, it can offer financial stability, purpose, and routine and structure. So losing one’s job may be about much more than the job itself, and this can lead to feelings of insecurity and worthlessness which may need to be addressed when attempting to understand your process and how to cope with grief.

Divorce or Relationship Breakup

You may need to know how to deal with loss at the end of a close relationship. This is because the end of a relationship can feel like death in ways. This means it can trigger the grief response, like a death would. This can be because the end of a relationship means you lose someone special and the sense of companionship you felt when you were together. You might also be handling grief related to the loss of future plans you’d made with that person. There is also the loss of emotional security. This kind of grief may include feelings of rejection, anger, isolation, and loneliness.

Death of a Pet

You may be wondering how to deal with grief because you’ve lost a beloved pet. This is normal because as societies have advanced, pets have naturally become a part of the family. They offer love, emotional support, and companionship and therefore, people often become attached to them, just like they might with a person. This is why dealing with loss like the loss of a non-human animal can evoke deep emotional grief, comparable to losing a human loved one. If this is the case for you, it’s important to recognise the validity of your loss, rather than question, judge, or doubt the impact of losing a pet.

Retirement

Dealing with grief can be a common experience when people have retired. This may be surprising because often people speak about retirement as something they look forward to and want to do. But the reality of retirement can be quite different to the idea of it. This is because this kind of change can bring about loss of various kinds, including a loss of purpose, identity, and daily structure – the same kinds as mentioned with job loss. Yes, even though retirement is often voluntary, it still marks a major life transition that some may find emotionally challenging.

Moving To A New Location

You may be surprised to learn that when we leave behind familiar environments, we can struggle with how to cope with grief. This is because places are more than geography, they’re associated with people, friendships, routines, and potentially fond memories. We can become attached to places so when we have to leave, it can create a sense of loss, leading to feelings of grief and nostalgia. So if you notice that you’re coping with loss because of a place left behind, don’t be so quick to dismiss it. If it’s meaningful for you, it makes sense that you may yearn, and mourn for it.

Identity Loss

You may have noticed that the examples above can impact one’s sense of self. This is because identity is shaped by many things in life. This is why any kind of major life transition can cause grief because of what it might mean for one’s identity. For example, a loss of identity can occur due to things like retirement, becoming an empty nester, or a significant career change. These events can lead to feelings of confusion, loss of purpose, and a deep sense of mourning because we lose a role that we identify with. This can affect one’s sense of self-worth, and overall mental wellbeing.

Types Of Grief

Anticipatory Grief

Some people may think that they already know how to deal with grief because they’re expecting a loss. For example, if a loved one is terminally ill. But they still experience a kind of grief, one that begins before the actual loss. Because they are dealing with grief earlier than the loss occurs, they may be able to process emotions in advance. But, this does not necessarily prevent feelings of grief from intensifying when the loss actually happens. In some instances, it may, but in others it may simply appear to. This is because even in these circumstance, one may experience delayed grief…

Delayed Grief

Some people think they’re handling grief well, but sometimes it’s just been suppressed or postponed. This can be intentional (a conscious intention due to feelings of fear), or subconscious (when the brain has decided to repress the feelings related to the loss, as a way of protecting one from the devastation of it). When this happens, the impact of the loss (that is, the grief) can surface, even much later than when the loss took place. This can also happen because immediate responsibilities distract one from dealing with loss and fully processing it. The element of surprise can make how to cope with grief that much harder.

Complicated Grief

This form of grief can make coping with grief last much longer because the grief feels more intense than ‘normal’. This kind of response to loss means a person is stuck in the grieving process, so they are not moving through the ‘stages’ of the process. For example, they may be stuck in the depression or anger stage, or they may be moving back and forth through the same stages, rather than moving toward acceptance. This means they are unable to move forward. Because of these reasons, complicated grief can lead to feelings of deep despair and it often requires professional help.

Cumulative Grief

Coping with loss can be even more problematic when a person experiences multiple losses in a short period. This is because each loss needs to be managed and worked through, and when too many happen, too quickly, people can become understandably overwhelmed as their emotional capacity to process each one becomes exhausted. Cumulative grief can lead to a build-up of unresolved grief so it is not as straightforward in terms of how to deal with loss, because the multiple losses can affect one another and may be difficult to disentangle. A professional can help with this.

Collective Grief

This kind of grief is experienced by a group or community due to a shared loss or tragedy. This may be due to a natural disaster, for example, or a global event like the COVID-19 pandemic. It can make handling grief easier due to feeling understood, supported, and empathised with. But, it can also be problematic because it may create a state of feeling immersed and submerged in grief, feeling unable to get away from it. This is unideal as people need moments of rest from grief when in the process.

Disenfranchised Grief

Loss and grief are inherently lonely processes, but this kind of grief is perhaps even more isolating in ways. Disenfranchised grief happens when a person’s loss is not acknowledged or socially supported. For example, if someone is grieving a relationship that wasn’t publicly recognised, or if they are mourning the loss of someone who was disapproved of because they committed a crime. This makes coping with grief even harder because individuals must try to cope whilst hiding their suffering, out of a fear of disapproval. This means they cannot feel understood and helped by close others.

Tips On How To Cope With Grief

Accept Your Feelings

The stages of grief should lead to acceptance of the loss if one is to resolve their grief. This means it’s important to first acknowledge and accept the wide range of emotions you may feel during grief, from anger and sadness to relief and guilt. Only by accepting the feelings can one get through and learn how to cope with loss. By allowing yourself to experience the emotions you feel, you validate your experience. This is a much-needed step in the process of healing. Otherwise, you risk suppressing, or ignoring your feelings, which means they are simply being buried, and waiting to be triggered in the future. This is because loss and grief cannot be ignored away, or set aside. Your emotional response to this life-altering experience must be processed. This means allowing yourself to feel your emotions and work through the intensity of your feelings, rather than holding them in their full state. Yes, when it comes to how to handle grief, the first step is to accept how you feel about the loss and work from there. If you are unable to accept your feelings out of a fear of having to go through them, you can work through the fear with a therapist.

Understand Grief Affects Everybody

As mentioned, grief is a universal human experience, and in fact, it is even experienced by several non-human animals, especially when they lose a close companion or group member. Some of the most well-known animals that have been observed to be grieving include dogs, elephants, dolphins, whales, and various primates and birds. This is because of the deep attachments that these social creatures form, much like humans, and like humans, they seem to grieve, even demonstrating mourning rituals. Grief behaviours vary between species, and the depth and complexity of emotions may vary as well. This is also true, between human beings. Everyone grieves in their way, and there’s no “right” way. So even though this article is about how to deal with grief, it’s important to understand this is a general guide for knowledge and understanding about some of the common ways grief can present. But, it is also important to understand that comparing your grief to others is a fruitless task, and may lead to feelings of inadequacy or frustration. So if you want to know how to cope with loss, honour your individual experience.

Talk About It

In Western societies, death is often kept hidden away, in hospitals, morgues, and other private spaces. Clients have often shared how the people they know don’t know what to say, so sometimes they won’t say anything at all. This is because they don’t want to ‘remind’ the grieving person, or offend them by saying the wrong thing. This shows how accustomed we are at avoiding death and even speaking about it is in some ways is a threat to our existence. It also makes dealing with grief a lonelier experience than it aught to be, which is exactly why it should not be experienced alone. So, talking about the person who has died is important. By expressing your grief to someone, you can let it out and release feelings that would otherwise be suppressed and pent-up. You may feel comfortable talking to family members or a close friend. But if family and friends aren’t an option, you might consider a bereavement support group, or someone you don’t know in a personal capacity, like a therapist. The main thing is that you don’t isolate yourself and keep what you’re going through to yourself, as this can result in unprocessed grief. This is especially true if you are also avoiding thinking about the loss. If you are unable to speak with a friend, family, or a counsellor, you might want to look into available helplines.

Exercise Daily

Sometimes we can forget the emotional benefits of physical activity because we associate it with the physical, but even something as simple as walking, can help alleviate some of the stress and emotional heaviness of grief. Exercise releases hormones like endorphins and dopamine, which are generally good for mood regulation. They are even more helpful, and necessary, when we’re going through difficult times because they can improve mood and offer mental clarity. You may benefit from walks or a run in the park. This can make exercise even more helpful because you’re out in nature, which brings additional mood enhancing benefits of its own. Another option might be gym sessions by yourself. Sometimes, it might be good to go by yourself, and at other times, take someone with you for company and support. This can help grief feel less isolating. It is important to remember that you may feel demotivated and that you are unable to exercise. But, pushing through the pain point will help you to gain motivation because the benefits you will take, will reinforce the behaviour. Also, remember motivation can take time, so you may need to have a few exercise sessions before you begin to feel the motivation rising.

Get Enough Sleep

Although scientists do not know why we need sleep, what we do know is that sleep is a time of rest and regeneration. It is a time when our bodies go into a kind of ‘standby’ mode so that cell repair and recovery processes can take place. This makes sleep crucial for emotional and physical recovery, and healing. But when something like grief happens, it can disrupt sleep patterns and make the difficult time feel even more of a struggle. This is why it’s so important to establish a relaxing bedtime routine and let yourself take rest and respite from how you feel. Indeed, sometimes, people can feel guilty or behave in ways towards themselves that are punishing, and stop caring for themselves. This can mean sleep is no longer a priority, but it is a fundamental need, and should be prioritised. I once asked one of my clients to focus on food and sleep when she told me how they were no longer important, at the height of her grief. She soon accepted that in order for her to become emotionally restored, she had to look after herself physically. So she focused on eating and sleeping well, which had the additional benefit of providing a way to refocus her mind. Initially, she did this just so that she could feel physically better. As time went on however, she noticed that it helped her feel more emotionally resilient too.

Eat Well

This one links to the last as it is a physical need because a balanced diet helps keep energy levels stable. But good nutrition also supports overall mental health, especially during tough times, like when we are grieving. This is because we need nutrients from our food for cognitive processing, and emotional regulation. However, when people are in grief states, lack of appetite can be common. But, as I ask my clients to consider; nourishing the body is crucial for managing stress and other emotions. So it’s not just about eating anything, it’s about trying to eat nutritionally dense foods, ensuring a diverse and balanced diet. Of course, during moments of grief, this can feel even more difficult to do, so if you have anyone around to help you, let them. People often want to help but don’t know how, so asking for help in this practical way can be good for them and for you. Another option is to prepare your own meals but think of the effort needed as a way to refocus your mind, one day at a time. Over time, the goodness in the meals, the distraction (which is needed at times of intense overwhelm), and the sense of accomplishment, can all help bring you through your difficult feelings and learn how to cope with grief.

Take Your Medication

If you are unable to sleep, or are feeling sad or anxious to the point that it feels overwhelming or intolerable, then you may require prescribed medication to help you manage the depression or anxiety related to grief. If you do, it’s important to take it as directed so you can assess its efficacy. Medication can help stabilise mood so that you can function better at times of heightened stress. Sometimes people take this option as a standalone treatment, and sometimes, they may combine it with therapy. This is because medication does not help you learn how to cope with difficult feelings, it simply helps to dull these feelings so that they do not feel as strong and consuming, and are more manageable. Sometimes, time with medication can help individuals distance themselves from the ‘threat,’ and as a result they may be able to manage their mental and emotional wellbeing when they are no longer taking the medication. What can also happen is that people do not feel they can manage without the medication, and this is when things can become tricky with over-reliance. If you’re afraid of this, therapy and medication may be a good option for you, as you wean down the medication dose, you can build resources with your therapist to help you adjust and cope.

Turn to Friends and Family

Talking to someone is so important that the point has to be emphasised. If you had a problem in your day to day life, let’s say a practical issue with your car, you might ask a relative or friend for some advice, or practical help, right? And let’s say that you had an issue at work with a colleague, you might talk to your spouse, or friend about the person, perhaps to sound out some ideas, or just to vent. People do this all the time, it is a part of how we bond as social animals. But, why then, when it comes to something like grief, with the potential gravity it can possess, do we suddenly clam up and become an island? Instead of this, you must do what you would do at other times; lean on your support system because they can give you emotional and practical help. So when it comes to how to handle grief, loved ones can provide comfort, listen to you, and remind you that you don’t have to go through grief alone. This is exactly what we need when we’re suffering in this way so there’s no reason to withhold it from yourself. It’s helpful to remember that the people who love you, want to support you, let them.

Explore Spirituality

Sadly, psychiatry and the ‘medical model’ have inclined toward ‘science’ rather than the human being – but science is not as black and white when it come to mental health. Notwithstanding, the medical model treats symptoms and caters to diagnoses, rather than individuals. This is not all bad of course, there is a need, and benefit of this kind of focused care. But, it does seem to negate the part of us that is inexplicable to science. We could call this part many things; the soul, consciousness, the self, or something undefinable. But we all know, that when we’re in nature, we feel closer to this part of ourselves, it is an aspect of our being that is primitive, inexplicable, and yet, undeniable. It’s the part that connects with a deeper place in us, to nature, and to the cosmos. The part that may require the vastness of religion and its practices, or space for personal spiritual exploration. In times of grief, it is this place that can help us feel comforted because we connect to something greater, which can help us to feel contained and grounded. This kind of safety can offer meaning, solace, and a sense of peace.

Join a Support Group

We have briefly mentioned support groups, so let’s understand why these may or may not be helpful for you if you’re experiencing grief. If you want to talk to people who can better understand what you’re going through, a grief support group can provide that safe space for sharing experiences with others, who may have had a similar experience. This kind of collective support from peers can help you to feel less isolated and offer new coping strategies. You will be able to learn that what you’re going through is normal and that it’s okay. So if this sounds like it could be useful, do look for groups in your area. If there isn’t one, perhaps search for an online option, as these have become more common. However, it must be stated that when it comes to how to deal with loss, there are different ways for different people, just as each person’s experience is individual to them. For some people, a group setting may feel daunting, depressing, or frustrating, for various reasons. If this is how you feel before having tried a group, it may still be worth trying. But if you’ve already attended a support group and didn’t find it helpful, one-to-one support may be the answer, so see if you can find a grief counsellor instead.

When To Ask For Professional Help

Remember, grief is a natural process of life. But, it’s one of the most difficult, so sometimes it becomes overwhelming and difficult to manage alone. This too, is normal. So if your grief feels unmanageable, and continues for an extended time, or interferes with your ability to function in daily life, it may be time to seek professional help. This may be in the form of a support group that is facilitated by a grief counsellor, or one-to-one therapy, depending on your access, and needs. So what are some signs that you may need some support along the way? If you’re feeling a sense of hopelessness for a prolonged period of time, and are unable to engage in everyday activities after some time has passed, then you may need some additional help. Also, if you experience persistent physical symptoms (like insomnia or fatigue), or if you have thoughts of self-harm or suicide, you should speak to someone immediately (this could be a family member or friend). Alternatively, a licensed therapist or counsellor would be a good option because they are trained to help you process your grief in a safe and supportive environment. They can also assist in managing complicated grief or underlying mental health conditions that may arise. So remember, when it comes to how to deal with grief, one of the main takeaways from this article should be, don’t do it alone.