How To Communicate With A Narcissist

Introduction

If you’re in the unfortunate position of needing to read an article called How to communicate with a narcissist then you’ve found the right one. Indeed, individuals who experience narcissistic traits, or are full-blown narcissists (more on this difference later) are a different kettle of fish and so there are ways how to talk to a narcissist that will help you when dealing with such individuals, whether they’re colleagues, friends, or family. Narcissists have a heightened sense of self-importance, often leading to challenging interpersonal dynamics. So, communicating with a narcissist can be difficult because of their need for admiration, lack of empathy, and tendency to manipulate conversations to serve their own interests. This is why understanding specific strategies can help you navigate these interactions more effectively, ensuring you maintain your boundaries and achieve your communication goals. In this article, we look at why communicating with narcissists is challenging, how to do it effectively, what not to do when talking with a narcissist, and how Phinity Therapy may be able to help you if you’re still struggling. And if you are, you’re not alone. Narcissism is a complex problem and its important to come to it with understanding.

Why Is Talking To A Narcissist So Difficult And Challenging?

Before we answer the question: “How do you communicate with a narcissist?” Let’s clarify what we’re talking about. The term “narcissism” comes from the Greek myth of Narcissus, a young man who fell in love with his own reflection in a pool of water. He was so captivated by it that he fell into the water and died. Think Tony Stark, Lex Luthor, or Don Draper, who like Narcissus capture the essence of narcissistic behaviour—an intense self-focus that can be destructive.

So, there are people with narcissistic tendencies and then there are people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) but the latter are extremely rare, only 1% of the general population are diagnosed with NPD. These individuals are shaped by difficult relationships and experiences which develop to form a highly self-absorbed personality. According to psychiatry, this is predicated on low self-esteem. So, NPD is a complex and nuanced issue, and requires a certain amount of grace and empathy, rather than hostility and condemnation. Conversely, some may exhibit narcissistic traits but do not have enough of them to be diagnosed with the disorder.

In this article, we use the term ‘narcissist’ to describe anyone you may find challenging due to narcissistic traits, not necessarily NPD. And what are the traits that make it hard to communicate? The need for control means narcissistic individuals may dominate conversations, making it impossible to have a balanced dialogue. They cannot empathise which makes it difficult to connect emotionally with them. This leads to frustration and misunderstandings. They also often manipulate and gaslight, twisting words or denying reality to confuse and control the narrative, making productive communication difficult. These factors must be considered when you’re wondering how do you talk to a narcissist.

How To Communicate Effectively With A Narcissist

Set Clear Objectives For Conversation

So you want to know how to communicate with a narcissistic person? Then you need to know your goals. The narcissist’s need for control means if your goals are unclear (to yourself), you’re less likely to succeed. In law, this relates to the concept of ‘Relevance’. Attorneys ensure people stick to the point to prevent diversions that might weaken their case. So you have to understand what you want from any conversation. Before engaging, know clearly what you want to achieve. So let’s say you want to know how to talk to a narcissist about their behaviour. Be clear what the behavioural problem is, why it’s a problem, and what you’d want as an outcome. This kind of clarity will help avoid getting sidetracked by the narcissist’s attempts to steer the conversation. They may still try, but as long as you’re clear on your goals, you can bring the conversation back to the issue. This is one way how to talk to a narcissist and succeed.

Stay Calm and Respectful

This may seem obvious, and it’s an important one when conversing with anyone, but when we’re considering how do you talk to a narcissist, this becomes even more important. Why? Again, there’s the aspect of control. The narcissist wants to take it, there’s always a tussle for power going on and if you lose your composure, you’ve lost control at the first hurdle. So you must maintain your composure because this will prevent things from escalating. This also reduces the likelihood of the narcissist lashing out, which is highly likely if you’ve lost your cool. So when thinking about how do you communicate with a narcissist, think about what you do and don’t do. Keep cool, calm, and respectful. This can be disarming for the other person and helps keep you on steady ground so you feel in control.

Enforce Boundaries

This one is also important generally, but when we’re thinking about how to talk to a narcissist or even how to communicate with a covert narcissist (if we suspect someone is narcissistic), we have to be clear. When we know what our boundaries are, we can enforce them. What this means is that you clearly state your limits and reinforce them consistently. This will give you more of a chance to prevent the narcissist from overstepping. So for example, let’s say you have a friend who always takes the conversation away from you whenever you talk about anything. They do this by relating the issue to themselves and they lie to impress you, at the same time. This can be frustrating but you can discuss it with them and then anytime they repeat the offence, you remind them they’re doing it.

Use Non-Confrontational Language

Now about that last point, it’s important anytime you’re trying to learn how to communicate effectively with a narcissist, you do it tactfully. You must frame your words carefully to avoid triggering defensiveness, which can derail the conversation and mean you’ve lost before you’ve even started. Remember Relevance? If you allow the narcissist to detract, they will. You’ve allowed them their coup de grâce, or decisive blow. So, in the previous example, you might say something like: “I like hearing about you, but when I want to share something about myself, I feel like I have to rush. I’d appreciate it if I could share something and feel heard.” This is a general example, and you must judge based on the individual you know. But, the point is, you do not use accusatory language, you stick with how you’re affected. Remember, if they try to draw you into accusation, resist it!

Don’t Believe Everything You Hear

So thinking about how do you communicate with a narcissist whether that be how do you talk to a narcissist or listen, it’s important to be sceptical of exaggerated claims or distortions of reality. As mentioned, narcissists may try to impress or flatter you. They may want to convey themselves in a certain light, or try to get something out of you by using manipulation and deceit. They may do this in acute ways, or play the long game. Either way, it’s important to focus on facts rather than getting drawn into their narrative. Keep a critical ear open and trust your instincts. Try to consider what is being said and what might motivate the individual to present certain narratives. Remember, it’s important to take a measured approach in your response, whether that be to distant yourself from this person, or help them.

Act Interested

I rarely advocate for false interaction because authenticity is important to me as a practitioner and as a person. However, when it comes to how to communicate with a narcissistic person, sometimes, it’s unavoidable. Indeed, this individual may be a colleague, a friend, or a partner. It depends on your relationship as to whether you feel you can express yourself more authentically. If this is a colleague for example, feigning interest in their perspective may help to keep the conversation manageable and avoid conflict, which are both important goals in your day-to-day work life. If however, this is your partner, and you feel able to be more honest, you can try this tactfully. But also remember, that it’s important not to dehumanise your loved one by labelling them a narcissist. They are a whole person, who may have narcissistic traits so keep this in mind when you’re wondering how to talk to a narcissist.

Show Them Empathy

Continuing from the last point, if the person you’re thinking about when you read this matters to you, it’s important to acknowledge their feelings, but not validate harmful behaviours. This can diffuse tension without reinforcing negative traits. It’s also important to empathise with their predicament. No one wants to be a narcissist. At the core, narcissists are hurt people who have often been deprived of empathy and so learned a certain way to be in relationships and the world. They have not learned to empathise but may be able to show ‘cognitive empathy’, essentially acting empathetic based on their understanding of it. They project a façade that helps them function and feel a certain amount of stability but is built on shaky ground, with much doubt and fear holding it up. So, try not to judge their behaviour, understand that they suffer and see if you can incorporate this understanding when you consider how to communicate with a narcissist.

Rise Above Their Insults

Another way how to effectively communicate with a narcissist is to remember that they will at times attack you. Attacks are often done defensively, to ward off an attack. Narcissists can use attacks as a defence because they feel vulnerable and need to feel like they’re on higher ground so they feel stronger. Thus, when you’re asking how do you talk to a narcissist, remember that if they insult you, whether explicitly or passive-aggressively – don’t take the bait! How can you stop yourself from doing this? Don’t take it personally and see it for what it is –  a defence veiled as an attack. This reframing can help you feel less attacked, and more in control. It will also help you remain focused on your objectives rather than getting drawn into arguments that distract. Remember the legal concept of ‘relevance’ – stick with the issue at hand.

Keep Interactions Short

Another super helpful way how to communicate effectively with a narcissist is to limit the duration of conversations. This may seem unkind but let’s be fair. You are entitled to some self-preservation too. Narcissism should not be taken lightly, it’s a part of the ‘Dark Triad’ in psychology, alongside Machiavellianism and Psychopathy, no less. If this person is someone, you’re not that close to, then you need not feel guilty. Their narcissism is not your problem to fix, nor is it your test to endure. If however, they are close to you, then you may want to try to help them, but at the same time limit interactions because this will prevent exhaustion and reduce the chance of conflict. Remember, you’re already here, trying to learn how to talk to a narcissist, but it’s not all on you. You have to acknowledge your needs too. One of which is to prevent exhaustion, and other feelings that the person may be provoking. And this is alright.

Know When to Disengage

Now even though you’re learning about how to communicate with a narcissist, this does not mean you’ll always manage in your aims. Sometimes, things may get out of hand, and you must be aware of this possibility (nay, probability, at least initially). This awareness means you can put some kind of contingency in place. What might this be? To recognise when the conversation is becoming unproductive. How might you do this? Well, think about things like Relevance, is the conversation on track? What about attacks, are you feeling attacked or triggered? Have you lost control? Are you taking the bait? If you’re no longer feeling calm, and in control, and are instead feeling more emotionally affected, it’s time to gracefully exit before things escalate further. Because if this happens, you’re not going to get what you want or need from this interaction.

What Not To Do When Talking With A Narcissist

Tell Them They Are Wrong

This brings us to the ‘don’ts’ of how to communicate effectively with a narcissist. See if you let things escalate, it is more likely that you will directly challenge the views of the other. This can lead to defensive reactions in them or an escalation in hostility, which is an attack and a defence. Remember, a narcissist is already feeling a weakened sense of self and their self-esteem is low. Telling them they are wrong is threatening to their fragile ego and a no-no when it comes to how to talk to a narcissist.

Call Them a Liar

Keeping in mind the narcissist’s fragility is important. It reminds us that labelling a narcissist as dishonest will not go down well at all. Instead, it will provoke the need to defend and can also provoke anger and aggression (in the best of us). So when we’re talking about someone who experiences low self-worth on the deeper level, which the narcissist does – being cast in a negative light is going to be highly threatening. This can make the situation more volatile and is not how to communicate to a narcissist, it is how to trigger a narcissist, so resist it.

“What’s The Matter With You?”

This is not a nice phrase at all and it’s certainly not going to help you effectively learn how to communicate with a narcissist. Think about it, “What’s the matter with you?”  can be perceived as a personal attack because the question itself implies there is something wrong with the person being asked the question. This kind of accusatory question leads to increased defensiveness, which is the breeding ground for conflict. This is not the answer to the question of how do you talk to a narcissist because the question itself is not constructively critical, it’s just critical and will be received this way because of the narcissist’s heightened sensibilities.

Directly Confronting Them

So how to communicate to a narcissist. For example, how to talk to a narcissist about their behaviour? It will be problematic if you directly confront them by saying something like “You’re always interrupting me, and it’s disrespectful” or “You need to stop acting like your opinion is the only one that matters” . This is because they will feel attacked and respond defensively. They may use denial, or even aggression and counterattack by belittling your feelings or dismissing your concerns. This escalation makes the narcissist’s behaviour more entrenched. So, avoid confrontational approaches that lead to arguments and power struggles. Use ‘I’ statements, for example: “I feel hurt when I’m interrupted because it makes me feel like my thoughts aren’t valued.”

Tell Them How To Do Something

Narcissists resist being told what to do, which can lead to stubbornness or passive-aggressive behaviour. So telling them how to do something will make them feel criticised due to their fragile ego. They need to feel good about themselves, this means feeling that their actions are good and admirable. So even if you’re trying to help them, they will not perceive it this way. It will feel like you’re telling them they’re doing something wrong. This makes them feel smaller than they already do, deep down. So, how to effectively communicate with a narcissist? Be tactful about how you communicate, even if you’re trying to help.

Arguing With Them

So by now, you understand that engaging in arguments is not how to communicate with a narcissist and is typically a futile approach that will only exacerbate the situation, leading to more frustration for both parties. Arguments will create a chain reaction in the narcissist. It is no longer about the issue that caused the argument, it becomes a power struggle. The narcissist just wants to win so they can feel good and victorious because this is what they need to feel. So, the question of how do you talk to a narcissist is a clue, you talk, don’t argue.

How Phinity Can Help A Narcissist AND Their Loved Ones

So you may have tried to understand how to communicate with a narcissist and found it incredibly difficult to get through to the person in question. There’s no shame in this because narcissism is a highly complex and difficult problem to contend with. Whether you’re dealing with NPD, or narcissistic characteristics, you need to understand how to talk to a narcissist about their behaviour, or how to communicate with a covert narcissist. It may be necessary to seek a mental health professional so you can start setting boundaries because communicating with a narcissist can be challenging, but with the right strategies, it’s possible to manage interactions effectively.

Setting clear boundaries, staying calm, and knowing when to disengage are key to maintaining your wellbeing while interacting with a narcissist. For those struggling with narcissistic traits or living with someone who has them, professional support can provide the essential guidance and tools to improve relationships and mental health. At Phinity, we offer tailored therapy that addresses the unique challenges of narcissism, helping individuals understand and manage their behaviours more effectively. This may include cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) techniques to help narcissists recognise harmful thought patterns and develop healthier, more adaptive behaviours. It may also come in the form of counselling for both the narcissist and their loved one(s), focusing on improving communication, setting boundaries, and building low-esteem toward healthier relationships.